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458: How to Have Hard Conversations

458: How to Have Hard Conversations

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 Colette Jane Fehr a marriage counselor, EMDR therapist, and author of "The Cost of Quiet." With over two decades of experience helping individuals and couples navigate relationship challenges, Colette specializes in teaching people how to communicate vulnerably and assertively in their most important relationships. Episode Overview In this powerful conversation, Dr. Debi Silber sits down with therapist and author Colette Fehr to explore why speaking up in relationships is essential for healing, growth, and genuine connection—especially after betrayal. Colette shares her personal journey from childhood trauma to relationship betrayal, and how these experiences shaped her understanding of healthy communication and the devastating cost of staying quiet. Key Topics Discussed The Origins of Conflict Avoidance How childhood experiences with parental conflict shape our relationship patterns The difference between destructive conflict (screaming, fighting) and constructive conflict (honest, vulnerable communication) Why some people mistake silence and "keeping the peace" for relationship health The concept of parentification and how it impacts adult relationships Understanding "The Cost of Quiet" Quiet as a euphemism for conflict avoidance Different forms of conflict avoidance that people don't recognize: Self-silencing and sweeping things under the rug Criticism disguised as "expressing feelings" Bickering about surface issues instead of deeper needs Why avoiding vulnerability doesn't actually protect you from pain The Four Bad Communication Report Card Responses (The Four D's and an F) Dismissiveness - "It's no big deal, why are you so upset?" Defensiveness - Getting reactive instead of receptive Distancing - Shutting down, stonewalling, pulling away Fixing - Problem-solving instead of listening and connecting Vulnerability as Strength Why vulnerability is actually the strongest choice you can make How to build the courage to be vulnerable after betrayal Connecting with your inner child before difficult conversations The only way through fear is action—building the vulnerability muscle Self-Connected Communication The importance of I-statements over you-statements Connecting to deeper emotional needs beyond surface complaints Speaking from your "core sage self" (wise, loving adult) rather than reactive parts The distinction between being nice (self-abandoning) and being kind (self-honoring) When to Speak Up Why waiting longer than 24 hours allows resentment to grow Common excuses that keep us from addressing issues (wrong time, they're tired, etc.) Most conversations don't need to be long—short, clear, vulnerable statements work best You can't control your partner's response, but you can control showing up for yourself Building the Assertiveness Muscle Why successful women often struggle with assertiveness in intimate relationships Starting small with low-stakes vulnerable moments The confidence boost that comes from speaking your truth How assertiveness differs from aggressiveness The Meta-Conversation Strategy When your partner repeatedly responds poorly to vulnerability: "I notice that I try to bring up things and share my feelings. I'm taking great effort to say things in a way that's tactful and diplomatic, but honest, and it seems like when I do, I get a defensive or dismissive response. I don't really know where to go from here. Have you noticed that? What's going on with you? Are you willing to work on this with me?" Signs It's Working Reduction in fear when bringing up difficult topics Growing confidence in expressing yourself Your partner responding with openness rather than defensiveness Feeling closer and more connected after vulnerable conversations Even if they don't respond well—you're getting information faster and can make empowered choices After Betrayal: Special Considerations Why vulnerability feels especially terrifying after intimate partner betrayal The connection to Stage 3 of the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (doing the same thing expecting different results) How moving into Stages 4 and 5 requires having uncomfortable conversations Being vulnerable doesn't guarantee you won't get hurt, but not being vulnerable guarantees disconnection
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