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#AutisticAF Out Loud

#AutisticAF Out Loud

Written by: Johnny Profane (Knapp Âû)
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 One Voice... Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic.

johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.comJohnny Profane (Knapp Âû) Hygiene & Healthy Living Psychology Psychology & Mental Health Social Sciences
Episodes
  • Spoken Word Autistic Burnout: "Believe I'll Ch-Ch-Change... My Shirt"

    Spoken Word Autistic Burnout: "Believe I'll Ch-Ch-Change... My Shirt"
    Jan 16 2026

    Full Text Transcript

    Someone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds... steal out right.

    Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this.

    Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.

    Sunlight cracks my window, Gotta be midday. Kick myself a pathway Just to pee into the bowl. Like a peek into that deepest hole, Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away — Same filthy shirt as yesterday, Body and soul.

    I Gotta Change. They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change. New day’s a-coming. Cuz that same old, It’s getting fucking old.” They say, “Shed that old skin For one of truest gold…” I. Gotta. Change. Believe I’ll ch-ch-change My… Shirt.

    Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat. She prowls my old mind, Sleeps beside me every night… Feasting on defeats. No stone blocks this empty tomb But I can’t leave her behind... Memories of the darkest kind Blind my way outta this room... T H A T change I can not make— Faced all the strange this heart can take… I gotta change… I gotta change… I gotta change… I. Gotta. Change. Believe I’ll ch-ch-change My… Shirt. Break it down… I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home. I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home. You can mistreat me here, babe, But you can’t when I get home… Waitress smiles, checkout jokes… shoplifting contact with little hope casual chic in the cubicle hoarding freak in the domicile Molestation devastation Frustration infestation losing jobs taking jabs Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit Choose the label for your best fit Can’t see the forest For the leaves, That’s what’s brought me To my knees… New day’s never coming. And that same old, Got fucking older. I yearn to shed that old skin I crave that shiny gold… I. Gotta. Change. Believe I’ll ch-ch-change My… Shirt.

    Man I feel the drama today. Hope you guys can handle it.

    Massive shoutout to artists I stole quotes from… David Jones, known to the world as David Bowie for “Changes,” that he released in 1972. And to blues genius Robert Johnson for “Dust My Broom,” released in 1937. And as always to Marvin Gaye, for his soul… invisible but always there.

    * More Live Autistic Spoken Word

    Bio

    Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.

    Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice.

    His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, he spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work since 2019. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.

    Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.

    “I’m autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell.Autistic style.I’m not out to inspire you.I’m out to give youan experience..of a life.”

    “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.

    Connect:

    * Share your burnout experiences below

    * Hit the bell for new releases

    #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts & free PDF of full Amazon collection… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.



    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe
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    4 mins
  • "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head"

    "every clock is a handgun pointed at my head"
    Jan 14 2026

    Full Spoken Word Transcript

    My time, it can’t be measured. Not a diension. It’s a force.

    A violent force.

    every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

    III

    Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tick… fucking tickTolling Fear, Doom… dreadClick. Slide. Cock… click.

    Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV static… a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Drempt… dead…Not done. Not done. Not done… undone.

    10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.

    Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacing… pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stops…my heart....I crash out with a scream for escape

    II

    Woods

    Deep woods

    Deepest woods

    My ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.

    A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now dead

    Wind steals my breathTaking words never said

    This skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new air

    When the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passes

    Clouds above my head.Shaped by wind

    Outside my bodyThe same wind

    Inside my bodyThesameWind

    Yet…

    I

    10, 9, 8… Dread7, 6, 5… Fear4, 3, 2… BEEP.Shoot the moon… or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow down… dead.

    Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head

    zero

    Bio

    Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.

    Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice.

    His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, he spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work since 2019. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.

    Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.

    “I’m autistic. Born 1953.I was not a product of a vaccine.I was not born to be pitied.I was born to raise Hell.Autistic style.I’m not out to inspire you.I’m out to give youan experience..of a life.”

    “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.

    Connect:

    * Share your time anxiety experiences below

    * Hit the bell for new releases

    #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts & free PDF of full Amazon collection… free. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber.



    This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe
    Show More Show Less
    4 mins
  • Autistic Spoken Word on this Moment...? “Slouching toward Montauk”

    Autistic Spoken Word on this Moment...? “Slouching toward Montauk”
    Dec 31 2025
    This moment... this New Year... disturbs many. This piece shares a disturbing moment from my autistic youth—and how I survived it. It weirdly relates to right now.At 70-something, this is the happiest time of my autistic life. Not chasing distant goals—just breathing in this fabulous moment here.This piece inverts Yeats’ “Second Coming” to tell a personal story about my grandfather, sailing out to Montauk Point, and discovering that the anxiety of losing sight of shore gives way to something unexpected. A refuge from the Hell waiting for me back on the shore…Read the full transcript below, or explore more autistic spoken word in the links after the piece.Content Note: This piece addresses troubling family history and inherited complexity.TranscriptAutistic Spoken Word on this Moment? “Slouching toward Montauk”Cold openMy grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing.{Silence}I call this one…Slouching Toward Montauk... Let’s say… I’m in my 70s now. Happiest time of my autistic life.Not too worried about some fabulous unachievable autistic Nirvana… These days…Now, here’s that story.My grandfather was a… complex man.He slept beside an orderly nightstand.Tucking Mein Kampf tightIn its tidy drawer every night.And…He used to take me sailing out to Montauk Point… a sea journey from Bay Shore, Long Island… at least as he sailed it on the ocean side… swinging out into the deep water…In his telling, it was a fabulous place.Where a sandstone lighthouse lit the waves, warning of danger.Where the grass on the golf course grew sideways.And every single damn tree bowed toward the West…From the eternal wind blowing onshore.His heaven on earth, he called it…...The wind carries all the sound away…But its roar in my earscreates a kind of hushed silenceinside me..I always experience high anxietyas we lose sight of the shore.Just sky, waves & constant rolling…Disoriented.Like a whiteout in a blizzard.If you throw in some seasickness.But after an hour or so, I make my way to the prow. And sit.Wind on my faceSun on my bodySalt breeze filling my chest…Quieting my heart.Anxiety? Disorientation?I observeThe fixed lighthouseIn the far off dusk.Splashing its light… bravelyInto the spray.Knowing deepIn its softNative sandstone heart…Time and tide wait for it....I stop caring about the shoreline. And the anxious Hell waiting for me on the other side. For hours at a time.....Who cares about sailing toward Montaukand its fabulous trees…anymore…Or... ever again?I’m busy breathing in…thisfabulous momenthereRuntime: ~3:50More autistic spoken word:* every clock is a handgun pointed at my head * Friends, Grief & Autism… My Friend Billy* Dancing Close to the Edge of the Noise* Family, School, Work? They created this... I wasn’t born under a star named Rage* My Autism? Failing Upward to Burn Out? A Shooting Star Has No Purpose* Like Some Angel with a Dislocated Shoulder… That Song I’ll Never Sing for My SonSubscribe free to receive new autistic spoken‑word & essays… and instantly get my “thank you” gift: a free PDF of my poetry & art chapbook, every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.Thanks for reading #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter! The algorithm hates me. I must be doing something right… so feel free to share it.I’m an autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I’ve been publishing AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… work that refuses to be packaged. My spoken word piece , every clock is a handgun pointed at my head, was published in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature. In 2022, I spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day about my illustration work rooted in autism & ADHD.I live in a rural Indiana trailer… across the courtyard from my wife’s trailer… with my 2 dogs & cat. Occasionally I shave… to face Walmart.The algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.If this resonates, subscribe free below to receive new autistic spoken-word pieces & essays—plus my 'thank you' gift: a free PDF chapbook, every clock is a handgun pointed at my head.#SpokenWord #AutismAcceptance #AutisticPoetry #MindfulnessMore spoken word: Living Autistic Truth YouTube playlist#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts free, click the link below. To support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe
    Show More Show Less
    4 mins
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