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Chapter Eight - The Question that Breaks You

Chapter Eight - The Question that Breaks You

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 March 2020. The fertility consultant said "menopause" and refused treatment. COVID locked us down in Italy. I was dismissed everywhere I turned because I was over 40. And then I had to face the question that shatters every woman on this fertility journey:What am I willing to do to have a child?Donor eggs? Would I bond with them? Would they love me? Adoption? Should Marco find someone easier? How far do I push before I accept defeat?This is about the questions we ask ourselves alone, usually crying, that nobody prepares you for.In this episode:😢 The paralysis after being told "no further treatment"💪 What boundless hope, relentless tenacity, and rock-hard resilience really mean📧 My desperate emails to Jessica: "I'm grasping at straws"🔒 COVID lockdown taking away my coping mechanism (running)🩺 Understanding that fertility clinic doctors aren't fertility specialists👵 Facing age-related prejudice from medical professionals at 40+💔 The question that reduced me to pieces: What am I willing to do?🤱 The donor egg torment: Would I love them? Would they love me?👶 The adoption question: Should Marco find someone easier?😭 Breaking down on a bench, unable to pretend to be normal💍 Offering Marco a way out (and why my friend told me off)❤️ Marco's answer that changed everythingThe brutal truth? This journey requires you to ask yourself impossible questions with no right answers, while everyone tells you you're too old to keep trying.📖 READ THE FULL CHAPTER: https://3amthoughts.me/2025/12/12/chapter-seven-the-long-road-down/🎙️ LISTEN ON PODCAST: https://bit.ly/3amThoughtspodcast⏮️ PREVIOUS CHAPTER: The Long Road Down https://youtu.be/RBRLlPZgsH0⏭️ NEXT CHAPTER: Follicles, Ovulation and the Straw🏠 START FROM THE BEGINNING: Introduction https://youtu.be/ZhZ4TDsj9Lk🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly chapters following my journey from toilet panic to 3AM peace.💬 DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:Have you faced the "What am I willing to do?" question on your fertility journey?Have you considered donor eggs or adoption? What emotions came up?Have you been dismissed by doctors because of your age?Have you offered your partner a way out because you felt like a burden?How do you pick yourself up when hope dissolves?What does "advanced maternal age" mean to you?This is a safe space. Share your story in the comments. You're not alone in these questions.⚠️ CONTENT WARNING: This episode discusses the deep emotional trauma of fertility struggles, age-related medical prejudice, difficult decisions about donor eggs and adoption, relationship strain, offering your partner a way out, mental health impacts of repeated dismissal, and the isolation of facing impossible questions. Please take care while watching.WHAT'S COMING IN CHAPTER 9:A Zoom consultation with the UK fertility clinicThe journey back to the UK during a pandemicA scan that shows something unexpected"Your beautifully healthy reproductive system"Follicles, perfect timing, and my anger when it still doesn't workAnother scan with different resultsProgesterone tabletsThe straw that broke the camel's back KEY MOMENTS FROM THIS CHAPTER:😭 The first time I was truly paralyzed and silenced📧 "I'm grasping at straws... Sorry to bother you"🔒 COVID lockdown: "There were a lot of people walking stuffed dogs"😤 "Everywhere I turned, I was dismissed because I was over 40"💡 "Fertility clinic doctors aren't fertility specialists – they're specialists in getting you pregnant"💔 "What am I willing and happy to do to have a child?"🤱 "Would I bond with them? Would they love me the same?"👶 "Marco could find someone else. Why go through all this?"😢 "I was falling apart, battling a question I didn't want to face"🚪 "I offered Marco a way out"❤️ "Just as long as it's with you"ABOUT THIS SERIES:From toilet panic to 3AM peace - this is my unfiltered journey through five years of IBD, fertility struggles, premature ovarian failure, and becoming a mother through donor eggs. No filters. No AI polish. Just the messy, real, heartbreaking, hopeful truth about the questions we all face but rarely talk about.Your voice deserves to be heard. Always.📧 CONTACT: to3amthoughts@gmail.com📱 CONNECT: Insta - @my_3_amthoughtsCOMMUNITY GUIDELINES:This is a space for support, shared experiences, and honest conversation about the hardest questions in fertility journeys. Be kind. Be respectful. Share your truth. Every woman's journey and decisions are valid. No judgment. No unsolicited advice. Just understanding and support.DISCLAIMER: This content shares my personal health, fertility, and emotional journey and is not medical advice. The decisions I faced are deeply personal, and everyone's path is different. Always consult qualified healthcare professionals and mental health providers about your own fertility journey. I have deep respect for medical professionals - this is about sharing my lived experience and the questions many women face but...
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