After realizing a single deep dive into book 8 would’ve been approximately 8 hours long, we decided to turn this into a series — because too much happened in A Parade of Horribles to cover in one sitting, and we refuse to half-ass this.

Vol. 1 is crawler character arcs. We start with Donut's two prophecies, digging into her motherhood arc, the cost of her insane level of power, as well as what her title (Champion of Nekhebit, Harbinger of Doom, Assassin of the Great and Feral Sekhmet) is setting up for the 12th floor. Then Carl: the five-sided coin, the tree-and-abyss prophecy, his dark side getting harder to keep in check as the pressure builds, the Bedlam Bride still lurking, and his primal race — is it just a label or does it actually mean something in the context of what we now know about Primals?

From there we move through the remaining 12th floor crew: Ellie's four seasons build finally coming online, Imani's reason to survive now more than ever and whether that makes her more or less likely to make it out, Pony's incredible arc and his Midnight Epicure connection, Florin's possibly sentient shotgun, and the ticking time bomb that is Lucia. Over in Sheol, we check in on Louis — including a Matt Dinniman interview answer that reframes how you read him entirely — werewolf Chris, and Britney, whose worsening condition and cryptic message to Carl have us very suspicious. We also touch on the Pineapple Cabaret crew and Katia at the Kinder facility, who is still very much on our minds.

And then Sexy Scolopendra, of course. We both arrived at a fun theory before the episode even started, and it means Carl will probably fuck a centipede. Plus her paramour biscuit stats, class potential, and what the Donut dynamic is going to look like…mortal enemies, or girl besties?

Vol. 2 + more are coming. The AI deserves its own episode after “coming out”, and Kaina is going to have a whole god family tree diagram for us to unpack very soon. Stay tuned, Donut Holes!

⚠️ FULL SPOILER WARNING: Everything. All eight books. Every death, every lore reveal, every prophecy. If you're not caught up, go read and come back. We'll be here.

• Intro Music: Synthetic Prayer by JKN Music
• 🎨Fan Art: @the.doodlemancer on TikTok | KatiBeast on Reddit
• 🎨 All slide fan art from the Dungeon Crawler Carl Wiki except the Scolopendra art by high_stream on Reddit
• Kaina’s Samantha shirt: https://www.highart-apparel.com/
• TikTok shoutouts: @valgoworth (Beatrice theory) & @dis_pat (Scavenger’s Daughter theory)
• Tune into future episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts!
• Follow Kaina on TikTok @cosmerecat for more Cosmic Donut Holes content!

Business email: cosmicdonutholes@gmail.com

We have opinions about conspiracy theories, and Tyson wore his Illuminati shirt for the occasion.

This week, we are running through a stack of conspiracy theories — mainstream, weird, plausible, and deeply unhinged — and rating each one on a scale of Nah, Hmm, Actually Though, and I Need to Lie Down. With a special bonus category Tyson invented on the spot: I Just Really Want This to Be True. Before we get into the bingo, we spend some time on the bigger question of why conspiracy theories are so compelling in the first place. Having grown up inside a high-control religious group, we recognize the machinery of them more than most. The need to feel like you have special knowledge nobody else does. The us-versus-them certainty. The way any evidence against the theory somehow becomes proof of how deep it goes. These are familiar concepts, and they make us both more skeptical and more curious than the average person.

Then we get into it. The Simpsons predicting the future. The moon landing (hell nah…just stop). The JFK assassination…although Umbrella Academy did clear that one up. 9/11 as an inside job. Chemtrails, which turns out to be more documented than Kaina expected. The Illuminati, the lizard people, and Denver International Airport, which we both agree, leaned into it brilliantly. Government alien cover-ups and the congressional hearings that made this one significantly less fringe. COVID19 and vaccines. 5G towers, which Tyson dismantles completely and correctly using electromagnetic wave science so we can all sleep better at night. Epstein didn't kill himself (obviously). The Wayfair furniture listings and how Jeffrey Epstein’s emails give it more weight. Birds aren't real. Chuck E. Cheese pizza. Zuckerberg as a lizard person (compelling evidence: his face).

We close with the ones that stopped being conspiracy theories because they turned out to be true: COINTELPRO, MKUltra, Operation Mockingbird, the tobacco industry's cancer cover-up, and Purdue Pharma's very intentional opioid crisis. The pattern we keep coming back to: the theories that turn out to be true almost always involve money and power protecting themselves. The ones that don't tend to require increasingly elaborate explanations for why there's no evidence.

Moral of the story: never let your certainty get too strong. Approach everything with curiosity, not your self-righteous ego. Mainstream media is failing us and a lot of what fills the gap is garbage, but some of it isn't. And just remember folks, if the government could – they would, and they probably are.

Comment your favorite conspiracy theories below. We want to know.

⚠️ CONTENT NOTE/TW: This episode contains discussion of child abuse networks and related conspiracy theories.

• Intro Music: Synthetic Prayer by JKN Music
• Fan Art: Willow Roxas | Ekath Art
• Tune into future episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts!
• Follow Kaina on TikTok @cosmerecat for more Cosmic Donut Holes content!
• Business email: cosmicdonutholes@gmail.com

Picture this: a 15-year-old girl walks into a high school cafeteria for the first time, sees everyone already deep in their friend groups, and quietly takes her lunch to the bathroom instead. That girl was Kaina. And yes, we're blaming homeschooling…at least partially.

This week we're doing something we've never actually sat down and done before: comparing notes on what our homeschooling experiences were really like, why they were so wildly different from each other, and what the long tail of that looks like 10-15 years later. Tyson had engaged parents, a solid curriculum, science kits, Lincoln Logs, and regular homeschool co-op meetups. Kaina had a computer, unsupervised hours, and quickly discovered that if you get about 80% of the answers right, nobody notices you cheated. The gap between those two outcomes tells you almost everything you need to know about what homeschooling actually is: a mirror of whoever's running it.

We get into the cult years: how joining a high-control religious group at young ages respectively transformed homeschooling from an educational choice into an instrument of sheltering. The books disappeared, music had to be pre-approved, birthday parties were a hard no. We also dig into why, despite all of that, Kaina still wants to homeschool her own kids someday, and what doing it “right” would actually require. Then we turn to the public school system, which is not exactly offering a compelling alternative right now. We cover the data: 30% of 12th graders who can't demonstrate basic reading proficiency, teacher burnout at record highs, seven hours a month lost to behavioral management instead of instruction, a dwindling Department of Education that is becoming a political weapon. Neither option is clean. So what do you actually do?

Moral of the story: both options kind of suck in different ways. But intentional parenting is the variable that matters most in either one. Do your research, unpack your own stuff before you pass it to your kids, and for the love of everything — tell them why.

⚠️ CONTENT NOTE: This episode contains candid discussion of growing up in a high-control religious group, disordered eating, and the long-term effects of sheltered upbringings. Discussed openly and honestly, not gratuitously.

📚 RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• Barbara Oakley: Learning How to Learn
• StarTalk Podcast with Neil deGrasse Tyson (fluid dynamics / parenting bit)
• Intro Music: Synthetic Prayer by JKN Music
• Fan Art: Dominik Broniek | Steve Argyle
• Tune into future episodes on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts!
• Follow Kaina on TikTok @cosmerecat for more Cosmic Donut Holes content!
• Business email: cosmicdonutholes@gmail.com