Can you catch cancer? How about OCD?

You or really anyone else won’t catch cancer or OCD. So relax.

But first…

Nurse Sonja brings up a delicate personnel matter with Miss Mary Indigo. Dr. Ross has to put on his superintendent hat because Miss Indigo inexplicably wants to take a day off, and that sort of thing isn’t tolerated at Psych Ward. You know how it is. Eschatology and all that.

What to do if you catch cancer:

The good Doctor then saves his mom from catching cancer. He learned how to fix people that catch cancer at Delgado. They don’t just let anyone with a pencil in there. You really have to know your stuff, but you should also bring a pencil just in case.

Let’s review the three types of Cognitive Therapy:

1. Plain-old Cognitive Therapy
2. The lesser-known Cognitive Spatial Therapy
3. And then there’s Cognitive Thary. T-H-A-R-Y

OCD? Don’t worry because Dr. Ross is here.

This week’s patient, Dean Martin, is an obsessive shower taker. You know how it is with DSM-IV, right? He happened to catch OCD when he turned 36. Dr. Ross calls him to see if he’s feeling OK and not taking fish oil again. That’ll make your OCD flare up.

Dr. Ross’ girlfriend broke up with him. She wants to be friends, but she was born without any phalanges. He doesn’t want to be friends with someone like that because who would?

OK, we’ll hang up and listen. Go ahead.

Resources:

1. DSM-IV Made Easy Book- https://amzn.to/2m5wxcW
2. DSM-IV Classification- https://bit.ly/2mrwecF
3. Fish Oil- https://amzn.to/2nsEWaK
4. No Days Off Bracelets- https://amzn.to/2m2lvoQ
5. Basic Guide to Eschatology Book- https://amzn.to/2m46ino
6. Cognitive Therapy Book- https://amzn.to/2ltGfFY
7. What is Cognitive Therapy- https://bit.ly/2hGmOEt
8. Phalanges- https://etsy.me/2lIBxEr

Want more Psych ward? Click here and dive right in. Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Dr Ross and Nurse Sonja Watkins discuss Trichotillomania and interview several patients. Dr Ross shares his near-death experience with an aggressive pigeon at Winn-Dixie.

Before we get to the Trichotillomania calls, let’s check in with you.

Are you OK? Maybe you should take off your jumpsuit and lay down on the table and let Dr Ross and Nurse Sonja take a good, long look at your medulla oblongata.

Dr Ross saves a 9 year old kid from being a victim of Polio. Stay away from the Pearl River unless you want to become a Polio person.

Have you seen Dr Ross’ eyelashes? Please put them in a Ziploc bag so that you don’t catch Rispoli. Call the hotline and give us the coordinates of the bag, because we can send someone over with a gurney to pick that up.

Patient phone calls:

Rebecca is on the line. Dr Ross takes 3000mg of valium and then he takes her call. Rebecca developed Trichotillomania at 12. She shares her story with us and patiently listens to Dr. Ross.

Jennifer calls in and gives us her background. After we confirm that she has a uterus, she talks about having Trichotillomania for 20 years. That’s a long time to suffer with it, so Dr. Ross wants to go ahead and treat her. He might also treat himself. After all, Dr. Ross is the patient, doctor, and superintendent at Psych Ward.

We’ll hang up and listen.

Resources:

1. Jump Suit- https://amzn.to/2ltMxW4
2. Polio Book- https://amzn.to/2m7KzuP
3. Eyelashes- https://amzn.to/2m4uJB6
4. Ziplock Bags- https://amzn.to/2mY91ig
5. Rispoli: Sopranos Boxed Set DVDs- https://amzn.to/2m4xa6I
6. Valium Coffee Cup- https://amzn.to/2n4LUCx
7. Uterus Plush- https://amzn.to/2nzR8qh

Want more Psych ward? Click here and dive right in. Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Lunar Lunacy. Does the moon drive people crazy? You bet your sweet coccyx it does.

Lunar Lunacy is a thing, but how does the moon affect all your bodily fluids? Dr. Ross Shields answers this and other questions not answered in the American Psychiatric Journal of Medicine.

Meet Phillip Mansario:

First patient: Phillip Mansario from San Diego. The moon really messed with him. As a Maritime Officer in Shipping, Mr. Mansario faces constant exposure to the moon. Despite not having a vagina, Dr. Ross suspects Premenstrual Syndrome. After debunking that, he considers the magnitude of the effects of a full moon on the patient’s bodily fluids. Symptoms: runs faster, jump higher, a heightened sense of smell, and improved sight, non-verbal communication with animals and some mild levitation. Some growling and sniffing and what have you. Nothing sexual.

Mr. Mansario’s cats seem to feel the effects of Lunar Lunacy. They act like a-holes when the moon is full.

Dr. Ross recommends a full-body fluid transfusion. Drain everything, then step into the hyperbaric chamber filled with CO2 and gasoline. Simple.

Second patient: Frank Zalotkis.

This accountant works for the LDS Church. He looks for loopholes so that the Church can keep all the money they can (praise Jesus). He habitually steals things during a full moon–predominantly chocolate pudding and/or Trojans-brand condoms (3 pack, if available). Although the stealing has helped his marriage, he needs help with this affliction.

Dr. Ross and Nurse Sonja suggest administering the typical protocol: study patient for the night, intense therapy, drain fluids before 7:35 pm on the evening of a full moon, hold the fluids overnight, then return them to the patient the next morning. Also suggested: going to a convention. That might help. Also, reporting this to the H and R department is probably a good idea.

Resources:

1. Moon Light- https://amzn.to/2nxKAII
2. Lunacy and the full moon- https://bit.ly/2lxeFCM
3. Trojan Condoms- https://amzn.to/2lSxci5
4. Chocolate Pudding- https://amzn.to/2nD2PN3
5. Fluid Drain Pan- https://amzn.to/2lVBh58
6. Ex-Lax- https://amzn.to/2lV6S73
7. Arrest Proof Yourself Book- https://amzn.to/2lp3u3O
8. Fish Net Stockings- https://amzn.to/2n5HZFB
9. Pretend Cop Badge- https://amzn.to/2n5IDD1

Want more Psych ward? Click here and dive right in. Also, check out some of the other cool shows we make here at It’s New Orleans.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.