Riley and Amanda are back, and Laura Ingalls has discovered boys. This is not going well for anyone.

In episode five, your Little House guides tackle Season 1, Episode 6 — The Love of Johnny Johnson — in which a new student arrives at the Walnut Grove schoolhouse and Laura immediately loses her entire mind over him. Johnny is listed as 15 in the show. The actor is 18. He looks 27. Laura is 10. Nobody on the prairie seems particularly concerned about any of this, and Riley and Amanda have thoughts.

Johnny also does not wear shoes. Not once. The entire episode.

It all comes to a head when Johnny asks Laura to meet him at the sweetheart tree — which she takes as a very promising sign — only for her to discover he's carved his initials there with Mary's. Not Laura's. Mary's. Mary, who has been loudly calling the sweetheart tree stupid since the opening scene. It ends with Caroline delivering Ma's timeless wisdom: young love is like a heat rash, quickly come and quickly gone. Laura appears to recover. She is already looking for the next fella.

Also in this episode: Michael Landon had an affair with the makeup artist on set, which shattered his relationship with Melissa Gilbert for years. Sometimes it really is better not to know.

Trauma Meter: 0/10 (just vibes and a bruised heart)

Survivability Rating: 7/10 (unrequited love is genuinely all-consuming, and Riley got away easy because apparently all the predators were really into her)

Charles Count: unconfirmed, we were too distracted by Johnny's bare feet

Big Opinions: somebody should have been concerned about that age gap considerably sooner. Also Johnny should have been wearing shoes. One or the other. Those were both gross.

Next time: Episode 7, If I Should Die Before I Wake. The title is misleading. The trauma is low. Charles gets wrapped up in the hijinks of an old lady in town and it's actually kind of fun. See you there.

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Welcome to the very first Prairie Short — a shorter, lighter episode for a lighter Little House story. No explosions. No broken bones. Just vibes, mild matchmaking, and one man singing Old Dan Tucker an unreasonable number of times.

In this Prairie Short, Riley and Amanda cover Season 1, Episode 4 — Mr. Edwards' Homecoming — in which Pa finds Mr. Edwards drunk in a saloon, dunks his head in water until he is immediately sober (apparently that's all it takes), and brings him back to Walnut Grove. Caroline promptly decides he needs a wife and sets her sights on Grace Snyder — though she insists on calling her the Widow Snyder, because your marital status does define you, ladies.

Mr. Edwards sends a love letter to himself to impress her. The mill owner watches Grace dance and is very into it. And when a theological difference threatens the whole romance, Caroline personally intervenes — because of course she does.

Trauma Meter: not applicable (this is a Prairie Short, and we are safe here)Survivability Rating: very high (the biggest threat is catching feelings)Charles Shirtless Count: unconfirmed, but the chaos was minimal

Big Opinion: stop calling her the Widow Snyder. Her name is Grace. We are not referring to Caroline as Wife of Charles and we will not be starting now.

Next time: Laura gets her first crush. Ma describes young love as a heat rash — quickly come and quickly gone. We'll see you there.

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Riley and Amanda are back, and things just got significantly less wholesome.

In episode three, your Little House guides tackle Season 1, Episode 3 — The 100 Mile Walk — and this is the one where Little House finally shows its true colors. Pa's crops are looking great, the family is thriving, and then — as is tradition — everything immediately falls apart. There's a hailstorm, a 100-mile walk for work, some extremely intense double jacking, and one man who does not make it out in one piece. A dude literally explodes. We are not being dramatic.

Also in this episode: Karen Grassle (Ma!) asked for a raise and apparently didn't get one. Riley and Amanda stand with Karen. Always.

Trauma Meter: 6-7/10 (comparatively mild for what's coming, but the explosion alone earns it)

Survivability Rating: 0/10 (they would absolutely blow themselves up accidentally — this was discussed at length and they stand by it)

Big Opinions: Charles was hasty, Caroline was right, and honestly when is she not. Some things never change on the prairie.

Grab your bonnet. It only gets wilder from here.

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