This episode of The Noon Hour of Madness and Mayhem answers the important questions science refuses to touch—like whether dressing up a plastic goose named Gertrude qualifies as emotional support… and whether getting concussed in Australia counts as a recreational activity.

Peaches kicks things off by revealing his mom’s plastic goose is living a more fashionable life than most humans—fully dressed in rain gear like she’s about to report live from a hurricane. Meanwhile, Viktor is barely clinging to life after emo night, surviving purely on caffeine, regret, and the promise of a sandwich.

Things immediately spiral when the guys discuss the absolute dumbest games humans have ever invented—including shaking an innocent bee inside a Doritos bag and releasing it like a tiny flying agent of chaos. Because apparently childhood memories weren’t complete without risking lawsuits and permanent trauma.

But the crown jewel? Australia’s unofficial national sport: two full-grown men sprinting directly at each other and smashing heads like angry mountain goats. No helmets. No rules. Just vibes and brain damage. Even Peaches, a giant human specimen who was aggressively recruited for football, was like, “Nah, I choose intelligence.”

Then the episode takes a heartfelt turn—Peaches recounts the emotional devastation of being excluded from teenage hangouts… only to learn those same people grew up to become chiropractors with kids. So who’s really winning now?

Finally, things end exactly how they should: with Peaches plotting to deliberately antagonize Alex Terrible from Slaughter to Prevail in an interview just to see if he survives.

This episode has everything:
• Fashionable geese
• Violent childhood stupidity
• International concussion competitions
• Emo night regret
• Petty long-term revenge
• And a grown man preparing to fight a Russian deathcore vocalist for content

If this doesn’t earn your five-star review, Gertrude the Goose will remember.

This episode spirals immediately into a full-blown breakfast identity crisis as Peaches ignites chaos with a “pick one to erase forever” debate featuring pancakes, waffles, bacon, and eggs—only to discover FJ would happily exile eggs from existence while defending bacon like it’s a constitutional right.

From there, things escalate into controller-versus-keyboard gaming confessions, Logan casually admitting he’s been banned from roughly half the internet’s GTA roleplay servers, and Peaches revisiting the Kurt Cobain ruling like it just dropped yesterday

The crew then detonates an even bigger argument ranking fast food royalty—In-N-Out loyalty, Five Guys price slander, Red Robin fry economics, Burly Burger debates, Freddy’s fry betrayal, and the emotional rollercoaster of discovering a bonus Taco Bell taco at the bottom of the bag

Toss in Alt 101 nostalgia, Zebrahead first-concert lore, wrestling VHS memories, Chris Benoit awkwardness, and East Idaho’s eternal “We Need a Trader Joe’s” Facebook war, and you’ve got a beautifully unhinged hour that proves this show can turn breakfast and burritos into a full-contact sport.