Everyone expects sobriety to reveal the real you — calmer, freer, finally yourself. What nobody warns you about is that the first thing sobriety does is introduce you to a version of yourself you don't recognize. And you might not like what you see.

In this episode, Anthony gets into the personality change that happens when you get sober — not the inspirational version, the actual version. Why early recovery can feel like becoming a worse, more uncomfortable, harder-to-be-around person. Why that disorientation is the process, not a problem. And how the agreeableness you're losing wasn't your personality — it was your armor.

This one is for two groups: the newly sober who are noticing their real personality emerging and don't like what they're seeing, and the long-term sober — especially the dry drunks — who white-knuckled past this step and never did the identity work.

In this episode:

• Why substances gave Anthony a personality — and what they were actually doing to his nervous system
• Emotional development and why so many people in early recovery feel like children
• The fawn response, people pleasing, and the codependency piece (Melody Beattie, Codependent No More)
• "Sobriety without identity work is just white knuckling and better skin"
• The grief of losing the version of you that people actually liked
• Why you don't find yourself in sobriety — you build yourself, slowly, with a lot of awkward trial runs
• The social fallout: which friendships survive and which don't
• What Anthony actually does now: pausing before agreeing, using silence as a tool, recognizing the automatic yes

Recovery is personal. Take what helps and leave the rest.

Predatory behavior in recovery spaces is real, and most people refuse to name it. In this solo episode, I share what 13th stepping is, why it puts newcomers — especially women — at serious risk, the manipulation tactics to watch for (love bombing, trauma bonding, isolation, fake "I can keep you sober" dependency), and what people with more time owe the people walking in scared.

This isn't clinical advice. It's what I've seen, what I do in my own groups, and what helped me stay safe and stay sober.

Chapters: 00:00 — Cold open 01:34 — What 13th stepping actually is 02:45 — Why newcomers are vulnerable 04:27 — Why rehab makes it worse 06:28 — Manipulation tactics (love bombing, trauma bonding) 08:01 — Red flags 09:11 — The consequences nobody talks about 11:56 — How to protect yourself 13:24 — Practical boundaries 14:40 — If you have time: your responsibility 17:09 — If you're new: you deserve safety 19:39 — Close

If this hit, follow Recovering Out Loud so the next one finds you.

In this episode of Recovering Out Loud, Anthony introduces a framework he calls Member, Attender, Pretender — the three roles people cycle through in recovery — and makes the case that knowing which one you're in right now could be the most important question you ask yourself this week.

This isn't about shame. It's about awareness.

The Three Roles:

The Pretender The Pretender isn't lying about drinking — they're lying about how they're doing. They might have years of sobriety on paper. They might chair meetings. They might be the person everyone else looks up to. But internally, they've stopped surrendering. They've stopped telling the truth. They're managing an image, not an addiction.

Anthony shares what this looked like in his own life: the ADHD medication he didn't fully disclose, the secrets he was keeping while standing in recovery spaces, the chest-weight of maintaining a sober identity when the reality was far messier. The pretender's environment, he says, is exactly where relapse grows and thrives.

The Attender The Attender isn't lying. They're just... not in it. They're showing up, checking the box, sitting at the back. No sponsor calls, stalled step work, surface-level conversation. Nothing is actively going wrong — which is what makes this role a trap. When you're attending, you're not building. And when you're not building, you're eroding.

Anthony explains why the Attender is the softest, most comfortable, and most dangerous place to be in recovery — because nobody pulls you out except you.

The Member The Member isn't someone who has it figured out. It's a current state of action. Small, boring, unsexy choices. Calling someone when you don't feel like it. Staying after the meeting. Getting a newcomer's number. Doing the step work nobody claps for. Anthony's three markers of membership: reachability, honesty with one person, and contribution.

The Self-Checklist (5 Questions):

Anthony walks through five honest questions to figure out which role you're in right now:

1. When did you last tell someone in recovery the actual truth about how you're doing?
2. When did you last move forward on your step work or internal recovery work?
3. When did you last do something for someone else in recovery that cost you time and effort?
4. If you disappeared from your meeting for a month — would anybody call?
5. When it's quiet — in the car, in the shower, at 2 a.m. — do you feel like a person in recovery, or a person performing recovery?

Anthony has been all three. He drifted from Member to Attender to Pretender across the final years of his first recovery, and he didn't break out in time. Today, he says, he can't promise he'll be a member tomorrow — he just knows what it takes to stay in the middle.

Because you only fall off the sides of recovery. You can't fall off the middle.

Anthony is a person in recovery sharing lived experience. This podcast is not a substitute for professional medical or clinical advice. If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, please reach out to a qualified professional or call SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357 (free, confidential, 24/7).

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