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Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

Written by: Leslie Vernick
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Relationship Truth: Unfiltered is a place for people of faith to find real answers when it comes to destructive relationships. Leslie Vernick is the author of seven books, including the best-selling, ”The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” She has dedicated her life to cutting through the religious confusion and teaching women to grow in their relationships: with God, with themselves, and with others.Copyright 2022 All rights reserved. Christianity Ministry & Evangelism Relationships Self-Help Social Sciences Spirituality Success
Episodes
  • My Silence Was My Sin: How Legalism Kept Me Loyal to an Abusive Marriage for 36 Years with Jennifer Brantley

    My Silence Was My Sin: How Legalism Kept Me Loyal to an Abusive Marriage for 36 Years with Jennifer Brantley
    Oct 5 2026
    Show Notes Have you ever wondered whether your faith was actually keeping you trapped in something God never intended for you? For Jennifer Brantley, that question took 36 years and a shattering moment of clarity to finally answer. In this powerful episode, Leslie sits down with Jennifer — a speaker, author, and board-certified biblical counselor — who spent more than three decades in a marriage she never recognized as abusive, largely because legalistic theology had convinced her that silence was faithfulness and suffering was obedience. Together, Leslie and Jennifer unpack how distorted church teaching, spiritual manipulation, and deeply ingrained beliefs about submission kept Jennifer loyal, silent, and stuck — and how God's persistent grace, honest counseling, and the courage to get curious finally led her into genuine freedom. If you have ever been told that your pain does not count because there are no visible bruises, or that a good Christian woman simply tries harder and prays more, this episode is for you. Key Takeaways Legalism Can Make Abuse Invisible Jennifer spent 36 years in a destructive marriage without naming it as abuse — not because the signs were not there, but because every church message she received redirected the problem back to her. She was told she was not submissive enough, not prayerful enough, not attending the right women's conference. When she finally completed a diagnostic questionnaire from Leslie's book and scored 35 out of a possible range that flagged serious destruction at even a score of five, the word "abusive" became undeniable. The painful truth is that when theology is used to silence a woman rather than protect her, it becomes a weapon — and recognizing that distinction is often the first step toward freedom. Allowing Someone to Sin Against You Is Not Godly Submission One of the most transformative moments in Jennifer's journey came when her counselor said something that stopped her cold: if you are not setting any boundaries and allowing your husband to face no consequences, you are allowing him to sin against you and against God. That reframe — from helpless victim to someone who actually held a measure of agency — changed everything for Jennifer. She had believed that enduring mistreatment was faithfulness. She began to understand that voluntarily removing herself from the path of ongoing harm was an act of stewardship, not rebellion. As Leslie reminds us, there is suffering you cannot control, and then there is suffering you are choosing not to resist. God does not ask us to be complicit in our own destruction. Knowing Who You Are in Christ Is the Foundation of Every Boundary When Jennifer began to face pushback — being called a liberal feminist, watching friends disappear, losing the approval of her pastor and church community — the one anchor that held her was a simple handout she had long given to other women: a list of who you are in Christ, drawn straight from Scripture. She started reading it for herself. Understanding that she was the apple of God's eye, fearfully and wonderfully made, pursued by a Shepherd who left the 99 to find her — that knowledge slowly became more authoritative than anyone else's opinion of her choices. Leslie echoes this with a stunning quote she recently encountered in her own study: "Help me to believe the truth about myself, Lord, no matter how beautiful it is." When you let another person determine your worth, you are standing on quicksand. Your identity in Christ is the only ground solid enough to build a new life on. Curiosity Is What Moves You From Certainty Into Freedom Jennifer's awakening did not come from a dramatic confrontation — it came from getting curious. She started attending a Bible study outside her church. She began reading Scripture in fresh translations and looking at the original Greek and Hebrew. She started asking questions that her church had always treated as dangerous. Leslie names this beautifully: the church Jennifer was in was built on certainty — a closed system that punished questions. But curiosity is how we grow, how we learn, and how the Word of God comes alive. If you have been told for years that you already know everything you need to know, and that asking questions means you are weak in faith, this episode is a gentle invitation to start asking anyway. Freedom Is Bigger Than You Think It Is Jennifer describes the other side of her journey not just as relief, but as expansion. She compares the women she counsels to acorns that were designed to become oak trees — crammed into tiny pots and criticized for failing to look like tulips. For years, Jennifer did religion. She attended every service, taught Sunday school, led women's groups — and stayed small, silent, and shrinking. Freedom, she has discovered, is not simply the absence of an abusive spouse. It is the space to finally become the person God designed her to be: a speaker, a ...
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    43 mins
  • You Don't Have to Heal Alone: Why Community Is Essential in a Destructive Relationship

    You Don't Have to Heal Alone: Why Community Is Essential in a Destructive Relationship
    Sep 21 2026
    You Don't Have to Heal Alone: Why Community Is Essential in a Destructive Relationship Have you ever sat in a church pew, heard a message about forgiveness or submission, and walked away feeling more trapped than before — wondering if something was deeply wrong with you for still feeling unsafe? You are not alone, and this episode is for you. Leslie sits down with Kelly Yazzie, our community manager in Conquer, for a raw and deeply honest conversation about why belonging to a safe, faith-based community is not a luxury for women in destructive relationships — it is a lifeline. Together they explore the scriptures that have been misused to keep women silent and stuck, how to hold onto a good God when the system fails you, and why real transformation only happens when information is met with courageous, supported practice. If you have been burned by community before, if you are questioning God's goodness in the middle of an unjust situation, or if you are simply exhausted from trying to figure this out alone, this conversation will meet you exactly where you are. Key Takeaways Misapplied Scripture Has Kept Too Many Women Stuck — and That Is Not God's Heart Verses about forgiveness, mercy, and love covering sin have been pulled out of context in ways that pressure women to protect their abusive husbands from consequences and silence their own experience. Kelly unpacks Ephesians 5:11 — "Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them" — alongside Matthew 3:8 and Proverbs 28 to show that God does not call us to prop up unrepentant sin. Untangling forgiveness from reconciliation, and learning to watch for fruit of genuine repentance rather than words alone, is one of the most liberating shifts a woman in a destructive relationship can make. As Kelly states plainly: an apology without change is only manipulation. You Are the Steward of You — And That Is Not Selfishness, It Is Faithfulness One of the most important truths in this episode is that no pastor, elder, counselor, or husband holds authority over your own welfare. Drawing from the sobering story in First Kings 13 — where a man of God is sidetracked by the counsel of another who claimed to speak for God — Kelly and Leslie remind women that others do not live in your home, and they do not live with the results of their counsel. You are the expert of your own situation. Learning to hear God's voice directly, trusting your God-given intuition, and reclaiming ownership of your own life is not rebellion; it is spiritual maturity and faithfulness to the person God created you to be. When God Doesn't Fix It: Separating the Facts from the Story When a protection order is denied despite evidence of abuse, when a custody battle is lost by a mother who did everything right, the anguish is real — and so is the temptation to write a story about what that means about God. Leslie and Kelly walk through the critical practice of distinguishing the facts of a situation from the story we tell ourselves about why it happened. Asking "why did God do this?" often leads us into the same trap as Job's friends — assigning blame and shame where neither belongs. The more life-giving question is: what do I need from this? Where can I grow? How is God meeting me here? God is light; there is no darkness in Him at all, even when circumstances are painfully dark. Community Is Where Transformation Actually Happens Information alone — no matter how biblical, how wise, or how perfectly taught — does not produce transformation. It is the practice, the support, the application inside a safe relational space that changes a woman from the inside out. Kelly describes how women in Conquer learn to use their voice, try new boundaries, share their failures without shame, celebrate their wins without apology, and eventually turn around to support someone just a few steps behind them. Relational trauma is healed in relationship, and a community where your humanity is held with both truth and grace is not a nice addition to healing — it is central to it. You Are Not Too Broken, Too Much, or Too Late For the woman who has been burned by a Christian community before — excluded, silenced, or judged — Kelly offers a direct and tender word: your voice is powerful, your boundaries are courageous, and your healing is worth fighting for. You are not simply a helpmate or a role to fill. You are, as Kelly grounds it in Scripture, an ezer kenegdo — a warrior partner made in the image of God. The Conquer community exists to be the kind of space where that truth becomes lived experience, not just information on a page. If today's conversation stirred something in you — a longing to be truly known, a hunger for a community that holds both biblical truth and your real, hard story with equal care — we want to invite you into exactly that. Conquer is a Christ-centered membership community designed for women just like you:...
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    34 mins
  • Not Aware Enough or Doesn't Care Enough? Dr. George Simon on Character Disturbance and What You Can Control

    Not Aware Enough or Doesn't Care Enough? Dr. George Simon on Character Disturbance and What You Can Control
    Sep 7 2026
    Not Aware Enough or Doesn't Care Enough? Dr. George Simon on Character Disturbance and What You Can Control Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your husband feeling like you are the one who is losing your mind — even though you know something is deeply wrong? That disorientation is not a personal failing. According to today's guest, it is often the most reliable signal that something far more serious than a communication problem or personality clash is at work. In this powerful conversation, Leslie sits down with Dr. George Simon — internationally recognized authority on manipulation and character disturbance, and the man whose groundbreaking work first gave the world a name for gaslighting — to bring you the clarity so many women have been searching for. You will walk away understanding why character matters more than diagnosis, why confusion is a warning sign rather than a flaw, and what it actually looks like to love yourself and others well when you are living with someone whose character is deeply misaligned with love. Key Takeaways Character Disturbance Is Not the Same as a Mental Health Diagnosis — and the Difference Changes Everything A person dealing with a genuine mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder, will typically respond to consequences with remorse, seek accountability, and cooperate with help. A character-disturbed person, by contrast, does not want to change — they like how they operate. Dr. Simon explains that the tactics most therapists and pastors were trained to use were designed for a completely different kind of struggle, and applying them to character disturbance is not only ineffective but can cause real harm. Understanding this distinction frees you from the exhausting and impossible task of trying to fix what only the other person has the power and responsibility to address. Confusion in the Relationship Is a Warning Sign, Not Your Weakness Dr. Simon introduced the concept now widely known as gaslighting long before it entered everyday language, and he explains here exactly how it works on the mind. When a manipulative person acts with apparent conviction — minimizing what they have done, blaming you for provoking it, and reframing reality with intensity and certainty — they create genuine doubt in someone who is already unsure of their own worth. The key insight is this: you are not confused because something is wrong with you. You are confused because a skilled manipulator is working very hard to make you feel that way. Judging behavior on its own merits, independent of any excuse offered, is the first and most grounding step toward reclaiming your clarity. They See — But in Their Hearts, They Still Disagree One of the most liberating truths in this entire conversation is Dr. Simon's clear-eyed statement: it is not that character-disturbed people do not see what they are doing. They see it. The problem is not awareness — it is that they do not yet care enough to change. You cannot think your way, plead your way, or love your way into producing that change in another person. Real change, if it comes at all, happens in the present moment through consistent, concrete behavior — not apologies, not tears, and not promises. Leslie reflects on how this understanding protects women from being misled by performances of remorse that have no roots in genuine character transformation. Loving Yourself Is Not Selfishness — It Is the Starting Point of All Real Love Both Leslie and Dr. Simon return to this truth throughout the conversation: you cannot love another person well if you do not first know your own worth and act to protect it. Dr. Simon connects this directly to the command of Jesus — love as I have loved you — and challenges the misreading of Christian submission that leaves women spiritually equipped to endure harm but not to refuse it. Enabling someone else's destructive behavior is not love; it is fear dressed in the language of faithfulness. Withdrawing from demeaning treatment, setting a firm limit on what you will participate in, and stewarding your own dignity are not uncharitable acts. They are the foundation of any love that is rooted in truth rather than self-erasure. The Church Has Work to Do — and So Do You Dr. Simon and Leslie speak honestly about why churches have been so slow to recognize and respond well to character disturbance and abuse. An over-emphasis on preserving the institution of marriage, patriarchal structures that diminish the voice and agency of women, and a focus on correct theology over Christlike character have all contributed to environments where harm goes unaddressed and victims are pressured to stay silent. The answer, as Dr. Simon puts it plainly, is more Jesus — not more rules, not more labels, but a serious and sustained attention to the character and manner of the One we say we follow. For the woman listening, this is both an invitation and a permission: the God who ...
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    55 mins
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