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There is a saying in Al-Anon, we become sicker than they are. What that means is that often when dealing with an alcoholic and/or drug addict we can become so involved in their life, taking care of them, watching over them, enabling them, that before we know it our own lives have begun to unravel. This scenario does not just have to pertain to alcoholics or drug addicts, but toxic relationships in general. To an alcoholic or drug addict substance is their obsession and compulsion. To many in a toxic relationship, a person becomes their substance. An alcoholic tries to resist having a drink, we try to resist meeting up, or making a call. The addict can at least blame their thinking and behavior on their addiction to substance. What is our excuse?

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My husband/wife, my mother/father, my child, my friend, etc., etc., really upset me. Well, have you told them? Ahh, no.

One of the most common dialogues I hear in my sessions is a patient telling me about a person who upset them, and stating that they have never told them that they are upset. The fear that bringing up their feelings could incite verbal conflict or communicate a lack of caring is so scary that it is better off not expressed. As I have brought up in prior episodes, expressing feelings leaves us vulnerable. Vulnerability can be frightening.

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How many times have you struggled with, what is the right thing to do. Or more to the point, "I know what the right thing to do is, but I really don't want to do it." Sometimes our decision making process can be shaped by fear, shame, or guilt. However, sometimes our process is just simple selfishness or self-interest. Contrary action is taking an action that we know is the better choice, even though every impulse tells us differently. Join me while I struggle with a contrary action that seems like such an obvious choice to make.