Recording this episode was really difficult because it’s more personal and sensitive than anything I’ve ever shared publicly. Deciding whether to post it was even harder. I know that by sharing it, I’m opening myself up to scrutiny, and I don’t want to be defined by this story, or for people to assume it explains or justifies who I am and how I show up on social media.

But I shared it anyway because I am not a single story. I am not the sum of my negative experiences. I exist despite them. Still, I can’t ignore the fact that the way my friends showed up for me, and quite literally saved me during that time, shaped how I show up in friendships now.

Somewhere along the way, I became a kind of saviour. And sometimes that role isn’t warranted but it's my own projection. So I’m choosing to step back and be more selfish. To trust that my friends are smart, decisive adults who can save themselves from potentially unpleasant situations. They don’t need me to project my past onto their lives, and they certainly don’t need me to save them.

The lessons are simple. We must always communicate effectively, honestly snd lovingly even when it’s hard. Otherwise if we avoid the discomfort of a difficult conversation, we choose the pain of losing that relationship and the latter is far worse. It is also very important to be selfish sometimes and put ourselves first, especially if one is a people pleaser, which I am recovering from. Being selfish from time to time will prevent moments of extremes - being extremely selfish, which may leave you depleted and is a betray of self, or being extremely selfish and mean which no one should ever tolerate.

This episode is my reaction in real time to what felt like another friendship breakup. When I recorded this, everything was still very raw and honestly really painful. Since then, my friend and I have spoken, and I don’t feel exactly the same way anymore. There might still be a chance for the friendship, even though some real damage has been done.

I’ll come back with more honest reflections after that conversation and once I’ve had more time to sit with my thoughts. But I wanted to share this moment as it was, because the pain took me straight back to the first friendship breakup I ever went through, which hurt more than any breakup with a boyfriend. I guess this is just the cost of loving people deeply, and letting yourself be loved too.