We are often raised on a "fairytale" version of marriage, the belief that love will be romantic, beautiful, and solve all of our problems. But for many women, the clock eventually strikes midnight, the carriage turns back into a pumpkin, and life becomes painfully real. When pornography addiction and betrayal enter the story, the dream doesn't just change; it feels like it has shattered.

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Adam Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist and co-author of Pumpkins at Midnight: A Woman’s Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage in the Age of Porn. We discuss the "hubris of the 20-year-old self" who believes she can prepare her way out of pain, why men in the middle of addiction are not "reliable narrators," and how to embrace the messy, in-between "liminal spaces" of recovery.

We talk about:

• The Story Behind the Pumpkin: Why the book's title reflects the moment a relationship shifts from a childhood fantasy to a "very real" struggle with pornography issues.

• The Myth of Preparation: A candid look at the desire to "prepare" our way out of potential pain and the realization that some things can only be understood by living through them.

• Why He Can’t Hear You: Exploring why an addicted partner may lack empathy, ranging from emotional developmental "stunts" to the possibility of being on the autism spectrum.

• The Unreliable Narrator: Understanding that a partner deep in addiction cannot give an accurate account of reality for themselves or the relationship.

• Embracing Liminal Spaces: Learning to tolerate the "limbo" between starting a healing process and being finished with it, and why this in-between zone is actually the norm of life.

• Grief as a Violent Process: Reframing "dumb" behaviors or intense anger as part of a necessary, "violent" grieving process that deserves infinite compassion.

This episode may be especially supportive if:

• You are a young woman in the early stages of a relationship, trying to navigate the discovery of a partner's pornography use.

• You feel like you have "failed" because your hard work and investment didn't yield the immediate recovery results you wanted.

• You are struggling to understand why your partner seems completely unplugged from your emotional pain or interprets your suffering as "persecution" of them.

• You feel "weirdly stuck" in your anger because you fear that moving toward peace means you are condoning the betrayal.

Ultimately, recovery isn't about the butterfly resenting its time as a caterpillar. It is about a perpetual reconciliation with yourself, acknowledging that while the goal may have changed, your value and your journey have not.

Meet the Guest: Dr. Adam Moore

Dr. Adam Moore is a licensed marriage and family therapist with nearly 20 years of experience. He specializes in treating sexual addiction and betrayal and is the co-owner of Sela Health. He is the host of the Pocket Therapist podcast and co-author of Pumpkins at Midnight.

• Dr. Moore’s Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/pocket-therapist/id1383613726
• Rachel’s Booklist - ⁠⁠https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/17C3H1PVHJ5N9?ref_=wl_share⁠⁠
• Rachel’s Newsletter - ⁠⁠https://l.bttr.to/iKgcY

Healing from betrayal is not a solo journey, nor is it a linear one. In this conclusion to our conversation, Dr. Monique Thompson returns to discuss the "butterfly effect" of recovery and the practicalities of rebuilding a life after the internal explosion of discovery.

We dive deep into the specific therapeutic tools that move us from "surviving to tomorrow" to "unleashing" our most authentic selves. Dr. Thompson reframes the concept of forgiveness through a powerful financial lens: understanding that while you may choose to forgive a debt, you are under no obligation to issue new credit.

We talk about:

• Assembling Your Recovery Team: Why you shouldn’t rely on Google alone; the importance of finding "learned" practitioners who specialize in betrayal and can provide credible referrals for coaches, retreats, and specialists.

• The Science of Heartbreak: Exploring the 84-year Harvard study on health and the epigenetics of trauma, reminding us that working through betrayal is a vital investment in your long-term medical health.

• EMDR and Parts Work in Practice: How tools like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) help "cook to order" a healing path that respects your protective parts while accessing your "capital-S" Self.

• The "3:00 PM to 9:00 PM" Rule: Why we often "suck" at parenting ourselves in the evening and how to implement trauma-informed self-care, like outdoor walks and "brain-healthy" habits, to protect your nervous system during these high-risk hours.

• The Credit/Debt Metaphor for Forgiveness: A revolutionary way to look at forgiveness as a "bankruptcy" filing, dismissing an uncollectible debt for your own freedom without being forced to grant immediate trust or reconciliation.

This episode may be especially supportive if:

• You feel overwhelmed by the "alphabet soup" of therapy (EMDR, IFS, CBT) and want to know how these tools actually work in the room.

• You are struggling with the concept of forgiveness and feel pressured to "get over it" before your partner has proven they are "creditworthy" again.

• You find yourself doom-scrolling or engaging in "anti-survival" habits in the evenings and need a practical "reset" strategy.

• You are ready to move from being a victim of your circumstances to becoming the "general of your own army".

As Dr. Thompson beautifully notes, you never truly lose in this process, you either win or you learn. Every step you take toward choosing to heal is a step toward experiencing the precious few moments of life in a tangible, beautiful way.

Meet the Guest: Dr. Monique Thompson

Dr. Monique Thompson is an EMDR-trained therapist and trauma-informed life coach with over 24 years of experience. She specializes in betrayal trauma, PTSD, and couples recovery, helping clients restore nervous system safety to support clarity and accountability. She is the author of the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples and is known for her culturally responsive, parts-based approach to healing.

Dr. Thompson’s Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/drmoniquethompson

Dr. Thompson’s Private Counseling Practice - https://www.facebook.com/137813109676722?ref=NONE_xav_ig_profile_page_web

Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples - https://www.amazon.com/Infidelity-Recovery-Workbook-Couples-Relationship-ebook/dp/B0CYGPRGQS

Rachel’s Booklist - ⁠⁠https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/17C3H1PVHJ5N9?ref_=wl_share⁠⁠
Rachel’s Newsletter - ⁠⁠https://l.bttr.to/iKgcY

Discovery isn't just an emotional blow; it is a profound shock to the entire nervous system. When infidelity comes to light, your heart rate spikes, cortisol floods your system, and your brain shifts into a survival state that makes clear thinking nearly impossible.

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Monique Thompson, an EMDR-trained therapist and author of the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples. We explore why the "hot kettle" of your nervous system needs time to cool before you make life-altering decisions and why recovery is ultimately about returning to your most authentic self, regardless of whether you stay or leave.

We Talk About:

• Infidelity as Physiological Injury: Why the inability to "think straight" after discovery is a biological reality of the sympathetic nervous system, not a personal failing.

• The "Olympics of Recovery": Reframing recovery as a daily, lifelong practice of self-compassion and amends, similar to the 12-step tradition.

• Process Over Outcome: Why pressuring yourself to decide on reconciliation or divorce too quickly adds excruciating pain, and how to wait for "adaptive thoughts" before choosing a path.

• Redefining Infidelity as Non-Consent: A powerful look at how betrayal is sensed and felt whenever the agreed-upon boundaries of a relationship, regardless of its structure, are violated.

• Internal Parts Work: How to hold a "meeting" for the different parts of yourself, the part that is hurt, the part that is angry, and the part that wants to stay, to find your "living truth".

• You are in the immediate aftermath of "D-Day" and feel an urgent, frantic pressure to make a permanent decision.

• You feel "broken into pieces" and find that your experience defies standard language or explanation.

• You have a high ACE score (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and recognize that your current betrayal is triggering deep-seated survival responses.

• You are struggling with shame and "anti-survival thoughts," feeling that the betrayal has stripped away your sense of worth.

Ultimately, healing isn't about rushing to a socially acceptable conclusion; it's about cooling your biology so you can act from a place of peace rather than panic. As Dr. Thompson reminds us, your oldest and longest companion is yourself, and you deserve a clean, honest relationship with that person first.

About the Guest:

Dr. Monique Thompson is an EMDR-trained therapist and trauma-informed life coach with over 24 years of experience. She specializes in betrayal trauma, PTSD, and couples recovery, helping clients restore nervous system safety to support clarity and accountability. She is the author of the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples and is known for her culturally responsive, parts-based approach to healing.

Dr. Thompson’s Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/drmoniquethompson Dr. Thompson’s Private Counseling Practice - https://www.facebook.com/137813109676722?ref=NONE_xav_ig_profile_page_webInfidelity Recovery Workbook for Couple - https://www.amazon.com/Infidelity-Recovery-Workbook-Couples-Relationship-ebook/dp/B0CYGPRGQS

Rachel’s Booklist - ⁠⁠https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/17C3H1PVHJ5N9?ref_=wl_share⁠⁠

Rachel’s Newsletter - ⁠⁠https://l.bttr.to/iKgcY