What happens in the years right before an adult child walks away — and what does the silence that follows actually feel like, from both sides?

In Part Two of When It Was Us, Dr. Janet Steinkamp and her daughter Brianna go into the hardest part of their story: the years after Bri graduated from college, the slow accumulation of stress and shame that pushed her to her breaking point, the conversation that finally cracked everything open, and the three years they didn't speak.

This is the chapter most families never talk about. Bri describes what it felt like to be drowning while pretending everything was fine — building what she calls "a mountain of fake" just to survive. Janet describes loving her daughter while completely missing what was happening underneath the surface. And together they unpack a moment that changed everything: the first holiday Janet didn't reach out — and why Bri says that silence was the most selfless thing her parents ever did for her.

If you are a parent experiencing estrangement from your adult child, this episode could be hard to hear. You will also hear something almost no one says out loud: your adult child is still thinking about you. The silence is not the absence of love. Sometimes silence is the only path to reconnection.

The video recording of this episode is also available on YouTube at:

https://www.youtube.com/@Dr.Steinkamp

**If you have questions or would like to talk about this episode, please join us during Office Hours for a live discussion May 24th. Register at:

https://www.whenouradultchildrenwalkaway.com/office-hours

IN THIS EPISODE

• Why "everything you thought would never happen" hits at once in early adulthood, and what happens when a young adult feels like she can't lean on her parents to navigate it.
• How small lies turn into a "mountain of fake", and why the cover-up is often more damaging than what's being covered up.
• The pregnancy conversation that solidified every feeling of failure, shame, and conditional love Bri had carried since childhood.

COMING UP IN THIS SERIES

In Part Three, The Long Way Back, Janet and Bri share what came next: who reached out first, how the conversation got started, what each of them had to forgive, and what they had to say out loud before a new start was possible. They'll also talk about what their relationship actually looks like today. Not the version for the camera, the real one. It is not the relationship they used to have. And as Janet says, thank God, because that one wasn't real.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

CONNECT

Connect directly to schedule coaching with Dr. Steinkamp by emailing Janet@jesteinkamp.com

For more information about services and resources, please visit: https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com

If this episode resonated with you, please follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps more families find their way to these conversations.

DISCLAIMER

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement.

What does estrangement actually look like before it happens? In this deeply personal episode, Dr. Janet Steinkamp does something she has never done before — she opens up about her own estrangement, inviting her daughter Brianna to join her for a candid, unfiltered conversation about the years that led up to Bri walking away from their family.

This is Part One of a three-part series. Together, Janet and Bri go back to the very beginning — tracing the roots of their disconnect through childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. What they find isn't one dramatic moment or a single unforgivable event. It's something far more familiar: the quiet accumulation of small things. A community obsessed with perfection. A home where honesty was punished the same as a lie. A daughter who learned to keep her guard up and manage everyone else's emotions while her own went unspoken.

This is the story of the start - the foundation. And it probably sounds more like your family than you expect.

The video recording of this episode is also available on YouTube at:

https://www.youtube.com/@Dr.Steinkamp

**If you have questions or would like to talk about this episode, please join us during Office Hours for a live discussion May 24th. Register at:

https://www.whenouradultchildrenwalkaway.com/office-hours

IN THIS EPISODE

- Why growing up in a community that valued perfection made it nearly impossible for Bri to feel safe being herself.

- How being punished for honesty and lying equally taught Bri that hiding was the only rational choice.

- The moment Janet realizes she didn't just raise a child, she raised someone who was quietly managing everyone else's emotions.

- The college graduation moment that changed everything, the first time Bri felt her mother was proud of her, not just her accomplishments.

- How "helicopter parents who never parked the helicopter" set the stage for what came next.

COMING UP IN THIS SERIES

In Part Two, The Silence, Bri talks about her decision to walk away. And the family went quiet. Janet and Bri will talk about what that silence actually looked like from both sides: what Bri was feeling during those years apart, what Janet was feeling, and what it does to a parent — and a child — to disappear from each other's lives.

In Part Three — The Long Way Back — they'll share what it took to find their way back to each other, and how the relationship they have today is more honest, more joyful, and more real than anything they had before they fell apart. That part of the story is possible. That is what this podcast exists to tell you.

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

CONNECT

Connect directly to schedule coaching with Dr. Steinkamp by emailing Janet@jesteinkamp.com

For more information about services and resources, please visit: https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com

If this episode resonated with you, please follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps more families find their way to these conversations.

DISCLAIMER

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement.

In this episode of When Our Adult Children Walk Away, you’ll walk through one of the most fragile and hopeful moments in estrangement: when your adult child reaches out. Whether it’s a short text, a knock on your door, or a message passed through a family member, Dr. Janet Steinkamp helps you see this tiny gesture for what it really is—a careful test of safety.

You’ll learn why urgency is not your friend in these early days and how to slow yourself down so you don’t accidentally overwhelm your estranged adult child. Dr. Steinkamp walks you through her “no sudden movements” approach, the 24-hour pause before responding, and how to mirror your child’s tone, pace, and contact frequency.

Together, you’ll explore practical scripts to use, what to say (and not say), and how to manage the emotional rollercoaster between messages. Your calm, consistent presence in these early communications is the strongest evidence of your growth.

You’ll also be invited to reflect on what you’re doing differently now, how you can communicate as an adult-to-adult rather than parent-to-child, and how to keep building your own wholeness while reconnection unfolds slowly over time.

If you’re wondering how to respond to that first text, that tiny “like,” or that unexpected hello at a family gathering, this conversation will help you breathe, pause, and choose responses that build a safer bridge back to your son or daughter.

Related Episodes

• 6 Mistakes Estranged Parents Make That Delay Re-Establishing Communication
• The Yin and Yang of Parenting Adult Children: Nurture, Structure and Estrangement
• Mom, Mentor, Grandma: Flexing Roles Without Fueling the Fire of Estrangement
• Dad and Grampa: Navigating Estrangement Across Generations

#FamilyEstrangement #EstrangedAdultChildren #ParentsOfEstrangedAdults #ReconnectingWithMyChild #EstrangementAndReconciliation #FamilyBoundaries #HealingRelationships #EstrangementSupport #ParentingAdultChildren #ComplexFamily #NoContact #Toxic Family #TrustandRespect

Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send an email to Janet@jesteinkamp. It is not possible to respond to your Fan Mail posts directly.

CONNECT

Connect directly to schedule coaching with Dr. Steinkamp by emailing Janet@jesteinkamp.com

For more information about services and resources, please visit: https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWalkAway.com

If this episode resonated with you, please follow or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. It helps more families find their way to these conversations.

DISCLAIMER

The stories, examples, reflections, and perspectives shared in this podcast are based on my professional work as an estrangement coach and my personal estrangement journey. Any examples, characters, or stories referenced are either drawn from my own lived experience or represent a composite of multiple real-life situations shared with me over time. The intention of this podcast is not to accuse, label, or defame any individual but to provide insight, validation, and support for those navigating the complexities of family estrangement.