Moses’s anxiety about dropping dead at any moment peaks as God orders yet another census of the Israelites (which is mostly an excuse to channel his favorite Sesame Street character). Then, in a shocking twist, God changes the laws of inheritance in favor of women. Next, without any warning, God tells Moses that he’s going to be "Aaroned" at the top of a mountain. Rather than immediately putting Moses out of his misery, he makes Moses sweat through the installment of a new prophet and a litany of sacrifice reminders. Tune in next week to find out if Moses makes it through the season finale! (Numbers 25:10–30:1)

Having seen the death and destruction visited on his neighbors by the Israelite army, local king Balak tries a different tactic, hiring Certified Hedge Wizard Balaam to curse the Israelites. God repeatedly trolls Balaam on his way to this new job with contradictory FaceTime calls, invisible angels, and a talking donkey. God finally lets Balaam get on with it, but then literally puts his own words in Balaam’s mouth, leading to a musical pronouncement of Israel’s awesomeness. Balak tries rebooting the cursing ceremony but in response, Balaam predicts that Balak’s people are next in line for destruction. We cap off the episode with the dire consequences of listening to your girlfriend about which God to worship, which may include being impaled by a javelin-throwing priest. (Numbers 22:2–25:9)

God starts off this week’s episode with a recipe for the world’s most disgusting sports drink, followed immediately by a terrible eulogy for poor Miriam, who was just never able to shake that bad case of racism-induced leprosy. Then the Hebrew Complaint Brigade whines about the lack of water, leading a frustrated Moses to ignore God’s instructions about how he wants his rock to be treated. This is a bad enough offense that both Moses and Aaron are blacklisted from entering the promised land, and then Aaron freezes to death on top of a very suggestively named mountain. The drama continues with Israelites first being barred from entering the Cheese Kingdom and then utterly kicking the asses of three different nations. Plus the latest in home remedies: Bites from fiery serpents can be cured by looking at a snake statue! (Numbers 19:1–22:1)