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the Dead Letter Office of Somewhere, Ohio

the Dead Letter Office of Somewhere, Ohio

Written by: Rat Grimes
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 A series of weird horror podcasts set in the midwest. The Dead Letter Office of Somewhere, Ohio is a horror-comedy fiction podcast set within one of the last remaining Dead Letter Offices in the country. Join Conway, Wren, and the rest as they archive strange, spooky, surreal pieces of lost mail. A solo project by a nonbinary creator inspired by Kentucky Route Zero, Twin Peaks, Edgar Allen Poe, and more. Each episode features 2 short stories connected in some way, either narratively or thematically. What begins as an anthology evolves into...something else. Content warnings are posted in the show notes, along with transcripts. Written, performed, and scored by Rat Grimes (they/he) Art by Nerdvolkurisu2020 Rat Grimes Science Fiction
Episodes
  • DLO 1: BAD NEIGHBOR/RE:FURBISH

    DLO 1: BAD NEIGHBOR/RE:FURBISH
    Dec 23 2020
    Conway archives two strange letters this week: one involves a bad neighbor, and the other relates a short story about a fad toy from the '90s. Don't forget to subscribe if you like the show! TRANSCRIPT: CONWAY: This is Conway, receiving clerk for the Dead Letter Office of ***** Ohio, processing the national dead mail backlog. We here at the DLO are no strangers to odd parcels and unusual letters, and these two here are certainly unusual. The following audio recording will serve as an internal memo strictly for archival purposes and should be considered confidential. Need I remind anyone: public release of this or any confidential material from the DLO is a felony. Some names and places have been censored for the protection of the public. Dead letter 11501, postmarked October 19, 2009, was flagged by a carrier and sent to the Dead Letter Office for verification and processing. The letter has been subsequently opened and read per the state's revised code. The letter reads as follows: WILLIAM, NARRATOR: Dear Terry at ***** realty, We're a small college town, so there will be parties. I grew up here, I get it, I've lived it myself. Sometimes the people living above you are loud, and obnoxious. Not much to be done about that. But for the tenant above me, it seems that every night is a blowout. Most lights on our block go dim a few hours after sunset, of course other than the orange halos of the street lights and blue streams of tvs filtering through blinds. One night I'm watching reruns of Frasier or Jeopardy or whatever, the windows open to let the cool fall air in. But I can't hear a damn thing over the commotion upstairs. Pounding music seeps through the ceiling like a burst pipe. I'd almost rather have a water leak, because maybe you'd do something about it for once. I try earplugs, I try the pillow over the head, I try it all. Eventually sunlight starts to creep through the window. And when the sun does come up, the music just stops. And then I have to go to work exhausted and frustrated. One brisk evening, as splashes of red sunset coat our building, I slip a small note under his door. Something like "Please keep it down after 10 p.m. Some of us do work early!" Problem solved, I hope. But as the last rays of daylight fade and my grilled cheese is fully melted, the damn music starts again. Some kind of dance music, uncomfortably loud, constantly thrumming like a wicked heartbeat. That night, I'm looking up at the ceiling, just seething over this guy. It's past 12, and the music still bleats, a single voice interwoven throughout. So I get up, march out to the hallway, and stomp up the narrow stairs. I knock heavily on his door in three quick successions. The door opens just a crack, as bright multicolored light and hammering drums buzz through the frame. "Hey, my dude, what is the deal?" is all he has to say for himself. I'm squinting against the harsh lighting now as my eyes struggle to adjust. He looks like he's in his late-thirties, a bit haggard. Wearing neon shutter shades and a few days of stubble. "Did you get my note?" "What?" he leans in to hear me over the commotion. I clear my throat and ask again, louder this time, about the note. I don't want a fight, I just want to sleep. "Note? No, my dude, there are no notes here," he laughs to himself, but his voice is shaky. Eventually my eyes get used to the tacky backlight, and I can see a bit between the slats of his glasses. His eyes are huge, bloodshot, always moving. My gaze trails to the wrinkles creasing around the corners of his mouth and eyes. Scruffy, uneven hair held in place by a faded headband, slick with sweat and grease. The tip of a worn vape pen sticks out of the pocket of his baby blue polo shirt. And the man doesn't blink. He doesn't blink the entire conversation. "Well, could you keep it down at night? At least weeknights? I have to work and-- "No can do, my dude. 'Party all day to keep the darkness away,' know what I mean? Keep it from clawing its way inside," I can't tell if he's joking or sick, but his red, staring eyes keep darting behind me to the shadowed stairwell. "Okay, well you can do whatever makes you happy during the day, that's not the problem. It's the nights that I take issue with." I look past him and into his apartment, trying to make out any shapes in the room. I see a lot of lights, but no other people. If this was a party, it was a pretty bleak one. "This ain't just for me bruh, gotta keep rockin' all night to keep the dark--" he starts, or something to that effect, as he wipes moisture from his upper lip and chin. It's chilly in the building, but he's still glistening with beads of prickling sweat. I tell him I don't have time for this, and that if he doesn't knock it off, I'm calling the landlord. He says something about he's been here a while and no one's complained, but I turn as he trails off. I rub my temples, and go back downstairs to write you an email. I usually work in the morning, but ...
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    15 mins
  • DLO 2: SECRET INGREDIENT/SECRET ADMIRER

    DLO 2: SECRET INGREDIENT/SECRET ADMIRER
    Jan 4 2021
    Conway archives two more odd letters this week. A struggling chef encounters a new customer with unusual tastes. A secret admirer reveals his game. Don't forget to subscribe if you like the show! (CWs: blood, food, stalking, implied death) TRANSCRIPT: CONWAY: This is Conway, receiving clerk for the Dead Letter Office of ***** Ohio, processing the national dead mail backlog. The following audio recording will serve as an internal memo strictly for archival purposes and should be considered confidential. Need I remind anyone: public release of this or any confidential material from the DLO is a felony. Some names and places have been censored for the protection of the public. Dead letter 12603 was found in a vacant building before demolition on July 22nd, 2011. It was addressed to the ****** Police Department, but was not postmarked or sent. There was no return address. It was forwarded to our office for verification and processing. The letter has been subsequently opened and read per the state's revised code. The letter reads as follows: NARRATOR: I'm not sure if what I've done--and what I'm about to do--is technically a crime. A sin, sure, one of the gravest, depending on your outlook. But you don't deal with sinners, do you. This is a confession, regardless; I'll leave it to you whether it's religious or criminal. Let me start at the beginning. I've been in this neighborhood for over three decades. I built this place, and I've stuck it out through fires and floods and all kinds of hardships. I've seen this place rise and fall and get back up again. But things are different now. I used to know a lot of the people coming in. I could ask them about their kids or job or whatever. Even if the place wasn't packed, it could stand on its own. But the old faces just don't come here much anymore, and the new ones are not the same. It's all young people in their jumpers and track pants and fancy watches with no numbers. They spend more, but their tips leave a little something to be desired. The old businesses have vanished along with the old faces. The Fledermouse is gone, now it's just a store for lampshades. Not lamps, mind you, just the shades. And across the street they're done building some fancy studio apartments. Used to be a real workin man's neighborhood, lotta immigrants, real good folk. Now it's a sanctioned "arts district," and with that comes "arts district" rent. This city's too chickenshit for any kind of rent control, so I'm looking at shuttering my business and moving out within the year if things don't pick up. Well one night we're unexpectedly swamped, and I hear some chatter about a food writer for some internet website being here. Always looking for new experiences and all that. So I'm in the back sweating up a storm, trying to get these orders out to the good people. I'm dicing up chives for the garnish and I slip a little. No time for errors if I want to keep this place alive. I keep my head down, toss on the chives, and slide the bowl down the line to be taken out to the table. I take a breath, lean back against the counter, and wipe the sweat off my forehead with my greasy apron. Then I can feel my finger pulsing when I press it against my face. And that's when I see it. The fresh, dark red on the apron, dripping from my finger. When I was chopping, I must have nicked it. I go to pick up a dry towel next to the cutting board, when I see it again. Those same red globs on the chives, on the knife. Holding the towel over my finger, I rush to the kitchen door and crane my neck, straining to see out the window. The guy's lifting the spoon to his mouth and sipping it just as I peer out. Well, that's it for me, I figure. I had a good run, time to pack it in and close shop. I take a seat and bandage my finger, thinking about the old times here. I'm stirred from my thoughts by one of the servers, she says the food guy called her "garcon" and says he wants to meet whoever was responsible for the soup. Well, time to face the music, folks. I slip my damp hat off, run a hand through my thinning hair, and amble to his table. I don't hear much of what he's saying, I'm looking past him and thinking about the fat fine the city's gonna stick me with. That is until he holds out his hand for a shake. He says something about a genius reinvention or deconstruction or whatever. Says it was unlike any soup he's ever had. I'm speechless for a minute, half-tempted to fess up right then and there. Instead, my self-preservation instinct kicks and I zip my fat lip and shake his hand. He says he feels reinvigorated and will be back next week for the same dish. So next week rolls around and here he is, Mr. Food Blog himself, asking for the soup, exactly as before. I put in the same ingredients, prepared the same way (minus the finger incident of course) and send it out. Not two minutes later, he sends it back. He sends back my soup! Says it's not the same as the first time, it's boring, it's missing ...
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    15 mins
  • DLO 3: HOLES/THE KING HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

    DLO 3: HOLES/THE KING HAS LEFT THE BUILDING
    Jan 18 2021
    The Dead Letter Office receives a series of emails from a college student with recurring nightmares. Conway takes a trip to investigate a kitschy painting. Don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe if you like the show! (CWs: trypophobia, alcohol, finger damage, depictions of depression) TRANSCRIPT: CONWAY: This is Conway, receiving clerk for the Dead Letter Office of ***** Ohio, processing the national dead mail backlog. The following audio recording will serve as an internal memo strictly for archival purposes and should be considered confidential. Need I remind anyone: public release of this or any confidential material from the DLO is extremely felonious. Some names and places have been censored for the protection of the public. Dead letter 13905. A series of emails were sent to the Environmental Protection Agency of Ohio over the course of many months in 2015. There was some concern among the higher-ups at the agency that these emails may be more pertinent to our work at the DLO rather than the EPA. They were intercepted and forwarded to us, and have been subsequently opened and read. The emails read as follows: KARA, NARRATOR: Dear Rick, I'm a senior at um **** ***** State University. I've been dreaming about holes--dark caves, coves along the shore, deep black as far in as I can see. This may not seem relevant at first, but I promise it'll come up, keep reading. I dream about sinkholes opening in a busy city street; gaps in clusters of coral growing from a sunken boat; a bloody bullet-wound in my leg; a honeycomb. This isn't the first time I've dreamt about holes. There's something I find revolting and unsettling about their emptiness. Maybe it's ingrained in our lizard brains that holes are not good. Maybe that's why aliens in our movies and comics always have those giant, endlessly black eyes. I dream more dreams about holes. I dream about trying to fill an infinite pool with a small garden hose. I dream about empty pomegranates. Others are deeply upsetting: confused imagery, lotus pod faces, choking revulsion, claustrophobia. I haven't been sleeping well, and I can't seem to focus on my schoolwork at all. My grades are starting to slip and I'm not sure how to proceed. I haven't told anyone about the dreams yet. Talking about dreams to other people is pointless anyway; either they get it and nod along with you or they don't get it at all and just nod along out of courtesy. It's like having to explain why a joke is funny, it kills the whole prospect. After days of restless nights dreaming about holes, it's hard to not notice them just...everywhere. Pupils are just holes in your eyes. Don't look at close-up pictures of eyes. Empty spaces on bookshelves, open windows. Pores on peoples' faces yawn wide. Cavities burrow into teeth, worms dig through soil. Anyway, I was doing some much-needed vacuuming on a Sunday morning and had to move the rug in the middle of my room to sweep under it. I pulled at the fabric, then paused. Two of the wooden planks underneath seemed a little farther apart than they should be. I tried to remember what the floor looked like last time I vacuumed. It had been a while, but I don't think they were that far apart. After all of these dreams about empty spaces, I figured I was just imagining things. I put the rug back over the boards and continued cleaning. Over the next few weeks or so, I didn't really think about the space under the rug. I carried on with my dull work and repetitive life for a few weeks. That is, until a tube of chapstick fell off my coffee table and rolled strangely toward the center of the rug. Where it stopped, the slight weight of the tube made the rug sink. I hesitantly moved the table and reached out for the edge of the rug. The gap between the floorboards was definitely bigger this time. I started looking for answers online. Wood warping, leaky pipes, sinkholes, fracking quakes, ball lightning coming through electrical sockets; all manner of strange natural incidents can occur in your house, but none of this seemed to quite fit the symptoms. Anyway, now that the wordy preamble is out of the way, this is why I'm contacting you. I figure ODNR or the Ohio EPA should know something about this. It's probably fine right? I think it's just some kind of geological event or seismic oddity. My address and phone number are enclosed in case you think this sounds serious. Best, Kara KARA: Hello again Rick, Thanks for getting back to me. I don't hear any water, but it has grown. In fact, one morning I stumbled blearily downstairs and nearly fainted. The hole had widened, and seemingly swallowed my area rug and coffee table. The edges were perfectly smooth, as if something terribly sharp cut through the floorboards and into the earth. I froze in a panic on the stairs and spent what felt like most of the morning paralyzed, numb, staring at the hole from the dark steps. Where did it come from? Where did it lead? Should I call 911? Eventually I got brave ...
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    18 mins
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