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Whitney Linscott was born and raised by a pack of wild unicorns who escaped from a traveling circus (editor's note: she was born in Seattle, WA and raised by two loving parents). When the unicorns were done raising her she enacted the Beastie Boys clause of The Constitution and she fought, "for her right to parrrrrttaaaayyy" (editor's note: she went to Arizona State University). She was then imprisoned for 10 years in a mental institution (editor's note: Jesus, Whitney - that's a job, it's called a job!). In 2008 she relocated to Dallas, TX (editor's note: that is shockingly factual). She then proceeded to terrorize all the men in Dallas for the next 10 years (editor's note and legal disclosure: she didn't terrorize anyone).
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