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3am Thoughts

3am Thoughts

Written by: Annique Tate
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About this listen

 From Toilet Panic to 3AM Peace: One Woman's Journey Through IBD, Fertility, and Finding Hope in the Dark


Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down... but it's not the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

It's the raw, unfiltered truth about trying to become a mother at 40+ while battling IBD, premature ovarian failure, and a medical system that wasn't designed for women like me.

This is where I share what really happens when your bowels, your fertility, and your dreams collide.

From panic attacks in public toilets to navigating donor eggs, from being dismissed as "too old" to holding my miracle baby at 3am - this is my story, filter-free.

What you'll hear:

  • Honest conversations about IBD and fertility (including the farting - because fart loud, fart proud!)
  • What fertility clinics don't tell you about reproductive health
  • The emotional reality of premature ovarian failure and donor eggs
  • Medical advocacy and learning to trust yourself over "experts"
  • Hope, tears, and finding peace when everything feels hopeless
  • Guest stories from others on similar journeys


This podcast is for:

  • Women struggling with fertility who feel alone despite being surrounded by support.
  • Anyone navigating chronic illness while trying to conceive.
  • People facing age-related prejudice in their fertility journey.
  • Anyone who needs permission to be messy, angry, hopeful, and real about becoming a parent.


What makes this different:

No filters. No polish. No Instagram-perfect motherhood. Just real stories from the messy middle, the parts nobody talks about but everyone experiences.

This isn't medical advice. I'm not a doctor. I'm just someone who's been through it and wants you to know you're not alone in the dark.

New episodes: Weekly

Your voice deserves to be heard. Always.

All rights reserved. Social Sciences
Episodes
  • Chapter Ten: Mushrooms, Mindset and POF

    Chapter Ten: Mushrooms, Mindset and POF
    Jan 30 2026
    The Final Push Before the DiagnosisI'd finally found a doctor who looked at me as a whole and listened. My oestrogen was too high for me to be in menopause, he told me, and I was buzzing.Then came earthing sheets, immunology tests, more food restrictions, gratitude journals, affirmations, and doubled supplements. The relentless optimism and continually picking myself up.In this episode:🍄 Houri's recommendation: medicinal mushrooms and Dr. Trevor Wing✨ "Your estrogen would be on the floor if you were in menopause"🩺 Immunology blood tests and the NHS runaround🥛 "You're allergic to dairy" - eating gets harder again😭 Happy to be weepy at Christmas commercials (the medication was working!)📝 Gratitude journals, affirmations, yoga - the full mindset work📚 Reading Fearlessly Fertile and going all in❓ Dr. Wing's gentle question: "Do you want to start thinking about egg donation?"💪 "I wanted one more try with my bowels in good shape"🌍 Earthing sheets and the long list of optimisation🍽️ Food stress hitting its peak - obsessed with everything I ate💉 To vaccinate or not to vaccinate during fertility treatment🎫 Turning down VIP Royal Blood tickets to avoid COVID risk🏥 May, June, July - ovaries still quiet, still quiet, still quiet📋 August diagnosis: Premature Ovarian Failure (POF)🤔 "Most doctors wouldn't class it as POF... because I was in my 40s"💔 The mistake I realised just after my 43rd birthdayThe brutal truth? Relentless positivity is exhausting. Doing everything "right" while your body refuses to cooperate. The lack of control. The food obsession. Still not being done even when you get the diagnosis.📖 READ THE FULL CHAPTER: https://3amthoughts.me/2026/01/28/chapter-ten-mushrooms-mindset-and-pof/🎙️ LISTEN ON PODCAST: https://bit.ly/3amThoughtspodcast⏮️ PREVIOUS CHAPTER: The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back [Link]⏭️ NEXT CHAPTER: Donor Eggs coming soon🏠 START FROM THE BEGINNING: Introduction https://youtu.be/ZhZ4TDsj9Lk🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly chapters following my journey from toilet panic to 3AM peace.💬 DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:Have you experienced relentless positivity becoming exhausting?Have you done "everything right" while your body refused to cooperate?Has food stress or optimisation become obsessive on your journey?Did you face the COVID vaccine decision during fertility treatment?Have you been told you're "too old" for a diagnosis that doesn't have an age limit?How do you cope with a lack of control in fertility treatment?Have you worked on your mindset while your ovaries stayed quiet?What does "doing everything in your power" look like for you?This is a safe space. Share your story. The exhaustion of relentless positivity is real.⚠️ CONTENT NOTE: This episode discusses POF diagnosis, age prejudice in medical diagnosis, the exhaustion of relentless positivity, food anxiety becoming obsessive, lack of control during COVID restrictions, vaccine hesitancy during fertility treatment, repeated disappointment when ovaries stay quiet, and discovering a mistake that affected IVF outcomes. Please take care while watching.WHAT'S COMING IN CHAPTER 11:The vaccination decision I finally madeSearching for an IVF clinic and the pay-to-play systemRealising what killed my cycle (but it's not over)Research into forcing cycles vs. waitingGrafting onto ovaries - a new frontierMy trial with laser and electro-acupunctureHome estrogen tests and the decision to stopChristmas in Sicily and COVID dramaEtna decides to interfere with travel plansGetting denied boardingFinding our donorABOUT THIS SERIES:From toilet panic to 3AM peace - this is my unfiltered journey through five years of IBD, fertility struggles, premature ovarian failure, and becoming a mother through donor eggs. No filters. No AI polish. Just the exhausting, obsessive, hopeful truth about relentless positivity when your ovaries stay stubbornly quiet and you're not ready to give up.Your voice deserves to be heard. Always.📧 CONTACT: to3amthoughts@gmail.com📱 CONNECT: Insta - @my_3_amthoughtsCOMMUNITY GUIDELINES:This is a space for support, shared experiences, and honest conversation about the exhaustion of doing everything "right" on a fertility journey. Be kind. Be respectful. Share your truth. No judgment about how far you go, how much you optimise, or when you decide enough is enough. Just understanding and support.DISCLAIMER: This content shares my personal health, fertility, and emotional journey and is not medical advice. Decisions about vaccination, supplements, fertility treatments, and optimisation strategies are deeply personal. Always consult qualified healthcare professionals about your own fertility treatment, mental health, and medical decisions. I have deep respect for medical professionals - this is about sharing my lived experience, including the moments when age prejudice affected diagnosis criteria and when relentless positivity became exhausting.
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    16 mins
  • Chapter Nine - The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

    Chapter Nine - The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back
    Jan 16 2026
    When Hope Becomes ExhaustingJuly 2020. We booked a UK fertility clinic. I had my first scan. The doctor told me I had a "beautifully healthy reproductive system." I nearly skipped out of the clinic.The never-ending cycle of hope and disappointment - rinse and repeat.October 1st: Sitting alone in a waiting room, in tears, while Marco waited outside in the car. Not allowed in. In this episode:🇮🇹 Last adventures in tourist-free Italy before heading back🏥 July 13th scan: "You have a beautifully healthy reproductive system"🎉 The vindication moment - I nearly skipped out of the clinic💊 Progesterone tablets to kick-start my cycle😊 Walking on Devil's Dyke bubbling with positivity - "This is it!"🩸 My first period in over a year - never thought I'd be so happy📉 IVF cycle scan: quiet ovaries, low estrogen, high LH😤 My birthday beach rant and Marco saying "everything will be fine"💔 When your rock doesn't know what to say (even when you told them what to say)🤷 The fertility doctor's shrug that said everything🏜️ "My ovaries were a ghost town"😢 Sitting alone in the waiting room because of COVID restrictions💸 The clinic holding back £500 for a "cancelled cycle" I had to fight for🍄 Houri's recommendation: medicinal mushrooms and Dr. Trevor WingThe brutal reality? Tenacity pouring out of your eyeballs. Hope and crushing disappointment on repeat. Having to pick yourself up again and again until there's nothing left.📖 READ THE FULL CHAPTER: https://3amthoughts.me/2026/01/15/chapter-nine-the-straw-that-broke-the-camels-back/🎙️ LISTEN ON PODCAST: https://bit.ly/3amThoughtspodcast⏮️ PREVIOUS CHAPTER: The Question That Breaks You https://youtu.be/RBRLlPZgsH0⏭️ NEXT CHAPTER: Mushrooms, Mindset and POF coming soon🏠 START FROM THE BEGINNING: Introduction https://youtu.be/ZhZ4TDsj9Lk🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly chapters following my journey from toilet panic to 3AM peace.💬 DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:Have you experienced the exhausting cycle of hope and crushing disappointment?Have you been told you have a "healthy" reproductive system when things clearly aren't working?Has your partner said something well-meaning that made you angrier?Have you realized your fertility doctor doesn't know how to help with underlying issues?Have you received devastating news alone due to COVID restrictions?How many times have you had to pick yourself up off the floor?Do you have tenacity pouring out of your eyeballs even when you're exhausted?This is a safe space. Share your story in the comments. The exhaustion is real. You're not alone.⚠️ CONTENT NOTE: This episode discusses repeated IVF failure, the emotional exhaustion of constant hope and disappointment, premature ovarian failure (POF), relationship strain when well-meaning comfort doesn't help, being alone during devastating medical news due to COVID restrictions, and the moment when your body gives up even though you're not ready to. Please take care while watching.WHAT'S COMING IN CHAPTER 10:Medicinal mushrooms and a new approachDr. Trevor Wing at the Women's Natural Health Clinic"Your estrogen is too high to be in menopause"Finally, someone not fixated on FSHSix months of super clean livingAnother diet amendment and mindset workThe vaccine question during fertility treatmentBOOK RECOMMENDATION (Not sponsored):Period Repair Manual: Natural Treatments for Better Hormones and Better Periods by Lara Briden ND ABOUT THIS SERIES:From toilet panic to 3AM peace - this is my unfiltered journey through five years of IBD, fertility struggles, premature ovarian failure, and becoming a mother through donor eggs. No filters. No AI polish. Just the messy, exhausting, heartbreaking, hopeful truth about what it means to have tenacity pouring out of your eyeballs when your body won't cooperate.Your voice deserves to be heard. Always.📧 CONTACT: to3amthoughts@gmail.com📱 CONNECT: Insta - @my_3_amthoughtsCOMMUNITY GUIDELINES:This is a space for support, shared experiences, and honest conversation about the exhausting reality of fertility journeys. Be kind. Be respectful. Share your truth. Every woman's journey is different, and the exhaustion is real. No judgment about how many times you try, when you stop, or what decisions you make. Just understanding and support.DISCLAIMER: This content shares my personal health, fertility, and emotional journey and is not medical advice. The decisions I faced are deeply personal, and everyone's path is different. Always consult qualified healthcare professionals and mental health providers about your own fertility journey. I have deep respect for medical professionals - this is about sharing my lived experience and the questions many women face but rarely discuss openly
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    15 mins
  • Chapter Eight - The Question that Breaks You

    Chapter Eight - The Question that Breaks You
    Dec 19 2025
    March 2020. The fertility consultant said "menopause" and refused treatment. COVID locked us down in Italy. I was dismissed everywhere I turned because I was over 40. And then I had to face the question that shatters every woman on this fertility journey:What am I willing to do to have a child?Donor eggs? Would I bond with them? Would they love me? Adoption? Should Marco find someone easier? How far do I push before I accept defeat?This is about the questions we ask ourselves alone, usually crying, that nobody prepares you for.In this episode:😢 The paralysis after being told "no further treatment"💪 What boundless hope, relentless tenacity, and rock-hard resilience really mean📧 My desperate emails to Jessica: "I'm grasping at straws"🔒 COVID lockdown taking away my coping mechanism (running)🩺 Understanding that fertility clinic doctors aren't fertility specialists👵 Facing age-related prejudice from medical professionals at 40+💔 The question that reduced me to pieces: What am I willing to do?🤱 The donor egg torment: Would I love them? Would they love me?👶 The adoption question: Should Marco find someone easier?😭 Breaking down on a bench, unable to pretend to be normal💍 Offering Marco a way out (and why my friend told me off)❤️ Marco's answer that changed everythingThe brutal truth? This journey requires you to ask yourself impossible questions with no right answers, while everyone tells you you're too old to keep trying.📖 READ THE FULL CHAPTER: https://3amthoughts.me/2025/12/12/chapter-seven-the-long-road-down/🎙️ LISTEN ON PODCAST: https://bit.ly/3amThoughtspodcast⏮️ PREVIOUS CHAPTER: The Long Road Down https://youtu.be/RBRLlPZgsH0⏭️ NEXT CHAPTER: Follicles, Ovulation and the Straw🏠 START FROM THE BEGINNING: Introduction https://youtu.be/ZhZ4TDsj9Lk🔔 SUBSCRIBE for weekly chapters following my journey from toilet panic to 3AM peace.💬 DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:Have you faced the "What am I willing to do?" question on your fertility journey?Have you considered donor eggs or adoption? What emotions came up?Have you been dismissed by doctors because of your age?Have you offered your partner a way out because you felt like a burden?How do you pick yourself up when hope dissolves?What does "advanced maternal age" mean to you?This is a safe space. Share your story in the comments. You're not alone in these questions.⚠️ CONTENT WARNING: This episode discusses the deep emotional trauma of fertility struggles, age-related medical prejudice, difficult decisions about donor eggs and adoption, relationship strain, offering your partner a way out, mental health impacts of repeated dismissal, and the isolation of facing impossible questions. Please take care while watching.WHAT'S COMING IN CHAPTER 9:A Zoom consultation with the UK fertility clinicThe journey back to the UK during a pandemicA scan that shows something unexpected"Your beautifully healthy reproductive system"Follicles, perfect timing, and my anger when it still doesn't workAnother scan with different resultsProgesterone tabletsThe straw that broke the camel's back KEY MOMENTS FROM THIS CHAPTER:😭 The first time I was truly paralyzed and silenced📧 "I'm grasping at straws... Sorry to bother you"🔒 COVID lockdown: "There were a lot of people walking stuffed dogs"😤 "Everywhere I turned, I was dismissed because I was over 40"💡 "Fertility clinic doctors aren't fertility specialists – they're specialists in getting you pregnant"💔 "What am I willing and happy to do to have a child?"🤱 "Would I bond with them? Would they love me the same?"👶 "Marco could find someone else. Why go through all this?"😢 "I was falling apart, battling a question I didn't want to face"🚪 "I offered Marco a way out"❤️ "Just as long as it's with you"ABOUT THIS SERIES:From toilet panic to 3AM peace - this is my unfiltered journey through five years of IBD, fertility struggles, premature ovarian failure, and becoming a mother through donor eggs. No filters. No AI polish. Just the messy, real, heartbreaking, hopeful truth about the questions we all face but rarely talk about.Your voice deserves to be heard. Always.📧 CONTACT: to3amthoughts@gmail.com📱 CONNECT: Insta - @my_3_amthoughtsCOMMUNITY GUIDELINES:This is a space for support, shared experiences, and honest conversation about the hardest questions in fertility journeys. Be kind. Be respectful. Share your truth. Every woman's journey and decisions are valid. No judgment. No unsolicited advice. Just understanding and support.DISCLAIMER: This content shares my personal health, fertility, and emotional journey and is not medical advice. The decisions I faced are deeply personal, and everyone's path is different. Always consult qualified healthcare professionals and mental health providers about your own fertility journey. I have deep respect for medical professionals - this is about sharing my lived experience and the questions many women face but...
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    16 mins
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