I've been waiting, hoping for something significant and positive to occur before doing another episode, simply so that every post isn't just whining; however, nothing really positive has occurred, so an update.

Basically, every day is a wait. A wait to see if a scheduled sitter will arrive, be late, how late, or not at all.

Will I get "the call" from the nursing home, that the room is available, and begin the actual admission process and move?

And every day, so far, it's been: no word or more "we're working on it".

At what point, do I start reaching out to facility #3, when going from #1 and #2.. to #3, from research, is a significant step in the wrong direction of overall care, especially if I'm not interested in placing them like a county away, farther from where I'll mostly be, meaning less visits and overight?

A brief description of how much "waiting", is a part of caregiving.

There seems to be some positive movement towards getting both parents admitted to a local nursing home. It is the #2 option, at least from previous conversations with my mom, those times she seems amenable to her going to a nursing home (usually as part of an attempted guilt trip), or having dad go and her visit. However option #2 for me is #1, as it's smaller, more personable, still has a good reputation.... and.. the medical director's office is within walking distance of the facility.. and she's a family member I went to HS and College with, so we can talk bluntly and easily. She actually listens. The thought of packing them up, going from their house full of around 80 years of lives well lived, all the momentos, memorabilia, awards, photos and all the accoutramond of such a life, to a small room with two hospital beds, bathroom, small TV, mini-fridge and maybe a couple of electronic picture frames, to replace the walls full at home, is almost incapacitatingly guilt ridden. I am abandoning my parents when they need me most. I am putting myself before those who put me first for 50 years. However, one person, right at 60 years old, simply cannot physically, mentally and emotionally care for two elderly, morbidly obese, bed-bound or soon to be bed bound, early dementia patients at the same time, 24/7, with inconsistent help from paid sitters. They are good, but they are human with their own families. Things happen, shifts get missed and without even an attempt from the agency for emergency fill-ins. Then, there's the excitement. The thought of (in the voice of Dobby the House Elf).. DOBBY IS FREE! The thought of regaining the world of the living. Of being able to see friends, start projects with an expectation of actually getting to complete them rather than just another one abandoned. It's like, being next up in line for the roller coaster you know will both excite you, and possibly cause the chili-dog to exit the same way it entered.

The whole reason for hiring sitters is to assist in caregiving, and especially overnight, to keep their charges (your family members) safe, by being awake and alert to render immediate assistance should they need it, especially if one charge is a high fall risk, and very impulsive (meaning they just start getting up without asking for help), so that they do not fall. They need not, depending on the exact situation, perform heavy lifting, but at least recognize the need for assistance, and either assist or ask for help in providing assistance. So when at about 4:30 am, a loud thud is heard, and I get up to find my mother on the floor, the sitter standing over her, and when asked what happened, she honestly responds, "I dozed off"... What is the correct action on my part?

Well, my response was. "Your number 1 priority is to keep my parents safe, which cannot be done when asleep on the couch, nothing personal, but I can't trust you, so you may leave". This means we are down to only 2 sitters, both of whom are very good; however, rather than having a sitter 7 days a week, from 8 am-8 pm with one overnight.. we are down to either 4 or 5 days a week (alternating weeks), and about three 4-8 pm open shifts.

Much like severe and sudden stress or even oxygen deprivation, after a while, caregiving can lead to what I'm calling "Tunnel Vision", in that the combination of stress, sleep deprivation, depression, continual denial of even considering an activity or anything which is meaningful to you as an individual, can either just from brain fog, or a subconscious self preservation tactic of "if I don't think about it, it won't stress or depress me" type of tunnel vision. One danger is that this reduces your humanity and that which makes living worthwhile. Another may be important things which should be attended to are forgotten until what would not otherwise be a problem becomes not only A problem, but a large problem. It can lead to wasted money due to neglect of property, equipment or finances, loss of interpersonal relationships, and more. What do you think?

The holidays don't exactly mean fun, family, relaxation, and celebration when you are a primary or full-time caregiver of one person, much less two. Often it means more work, more stress and less help.

For non-caregivers, your "normal" day, is my fantasy. Normal people go to Disney, or Epcot, or Universal, or Hogwarts for a bit of magic or superhero fantasy before returning to the humdrum normalcy of just working on a small project, or leisurely shopping, trying a new restaurant, even just sitting, watching nature, and having a beer. But for us caregivers, especially the ones years in with no end in site.... that, is our fantasy, our land of magic. And when we get a taste of it, even for a few hours, then have to go back to -our- "normal" life, of washing pee, gloved handfuls of feces, multiple washer loads of soiled linens, demanding, hard-of-hearing, early-stage dementia total care loved ones.. the juxtaposition is jarring, and emotionally desicating.

For the most part, there has been no substantial change. Still trying to determine what documents the nursing home needs, and get those. I realize I'm doing it a bit of the hard way, and being a typical control freak in that I'm not just signing a blank "release of information" which they can write in any provider, lab, pharmacy, and ask for anything without me even knowing, but maybe I am a control freak. Do you sign blank checks? I want to know who is being asked for information and exactly what information, and when. As I recall my training as an EMT, LPN, and RN, that is the way a release of information is done, and any release has to be disclosed to the patient or representative. So far, getting the information from the admissions director has been.... slow. Not to mention, unless and until I get the letter(s) from the PCP stating that one or both parents are not competent, I really can't legally act as POA. Well, I may be able to and be successful, up until either parent challenges that, and without the supporting documentation in hand, I could be liable for whatever is on the statute books. In the meantime, it seems one or the other parent has some minor health change or issue that kind of puts everything on hold for a bit. Mom with a combination UTI/Upper Respiratory infection treated with oral antibiotics, and by the time she began to recover, dad became suddenly more lethargic and sleeping a lot more, symptoms which are consistent with late-stage kidney failure (I was a hospice nurse, so I've seen that). Thus, I've not made an update, because even though things have happened, there's not been that much change, though the calendar continues to roll on. And that's the insidious part of all this. Time keeps on moving, and like the wind and rain on rock, given enough time, even rock erodes and is worn away, and I'm no rock.