When distress shows up in a relationship, should I turn towards you or should I learn to tolerate it myself?

The question many ask in relationships - and are encouraged by the world of couples therapy to ask - is: ‘can I count on you to be there when I'm struggling?’ This worldview sees the problem as disconnection, with the prescription being connection, emotional and physical.

“Talk about your feelings.”

“Be vulnerable.”

“Express your needs.”

“Co-regulate.”

But, maybe this has got things the wrong way around. Maybe becoming overly dependent on your partner’s approval, agreement, validation or emotional state isn't healthy. Maybe you're more likely to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up (or is constantly propping you up). Maybe the task to tolerate your own distress without demanding your partner fix it; not to connect more, but to tolerate discomfort without controlling or manipulating the other.

Matt and Graham explore these difficult questions in today's episode.

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You can work with Graham here: https://www.grahamjohnston.uk/

You can work with Matt here: https://www.matwotton.com/

Logic, emotional detachment, quick decisions, a problem-solving mindset - all very useful much of the time in the workplace.

But are those same skills, when seen as the go-to set of skills at home too often, a handicap against excellent relationships?

After all, we're often told that relationships require curiousity, emotional engagement, patience, a prioritising of feelings over solutions.

Matt & Graham delve into these issues in today's episodes, with some disagreement along the way.

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You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk.

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com.

And you can contact the pod at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com.

You’re told to find the right person and everything else falls into place. Popular culture sells the same script: meet “the one”, and the hard part is done.

Anyone who has stayed in a long-term relationship knows otherwise.

The appeal is obvious. The compatibility story lets you off the hook. If it works, you chose well. If it fails, you weren’t right for each other. It also saves you from a harder truth: You drifted, took things for granted, let standards slip, and became harder to live with.

Compatibility still matters. It’s easier to build a life with someone who broadly agrees on money, work, family, and how to raise children. But this is a starting condition, not a sustaining force.

In today's episode, Matt and Graham argue that long-term relationship success turns on behaviour, not initial fit. What matters are small, repeatable actions—tone, reliability, thoughtfulness, taking your partner’s perspective, and repair (the ability to say "sorry" and mean it).

Their blogpost is available to read on Psychology Today here.

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