When distress shows up in a relationship, should I turn towards you or should I learn to tolerate it myself?

The question many ask in relationships - and are encouraged by the world of couples therapy to ask - is: ‘can I count on you to be there when I'm struggling?’ This worldview sees the problem as disconnection, with the prescription being connection, emotional and physical.

“Talk about your feelings.”

“Be vulnerable.”

“Express your needs.”

“Co-regulate.”

But, maybe this has got things the wrong way around. Maybe becoming overly dependent on your partner’s approval, agreement, validation or emotional state isn't healthy. Maybe you're more likely to lose sexual desire for someone you have to constantly prop up (or is constantly propping you up). Maybe the task to tolerate your own distress without demanding your partner fix it; not to connect more, but to tolerate discomfort without controlling or manipulating the other.

Matt and Graham explore these difficult questions in today's episode.

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You can work with Graham here: https://www.grahamjohnston.uk/

You can work with Matt here: https://www.matwotton.com/

Logic, emotional detachment, quick decisions, a problem-solving mindset - all very useful much of the time in the workplace.

But are those same skills, when seen as the go-to set of skills at home too often, a handicap against excellent relationships?

After all, we're often told that relationships require curiousity, emotional engagement, patience, a prioritising of feelings over solutions.

Matt & Graham delve into these issues in today's episodes, with some disagreement along the way.

If you like the podcast, please leave a review and subscribe.

You can work with Graham here: www.grahamjohnston.uk.

You can work with Matt here: www.matwotton.com.

And you can contact the pod at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com.

You’re told to find the right person and everything else falls into place. Popular culture sells the same script: meet “the one”, and the hard part is done.

Anyone who has stayed in a long-term relationship knows otherwise.

The appeal is obvious. The compatibility story lets you off the hook. If it works, you chose well. If it fails, you weren’t right for each other. It also saves you from a harder truth: You drifted, took things for granted, let standards slip, and became harder to live with.

Compatibility still matters. It’s easier to build a life with someone who broadly agrees on money, work, family, and how to raise children. But this is a starting condition, not a sustaining force.

In today's episode, Matt and Graham argue that long-term relationship success turns on behaviour, not initial fit. What matters are small, repeatable actions—tone, reliability, thoughtfulness, taking your partner’s perspective, and repair (the ability to say "sorry" and mean it).

Their blogpost is available to read on Psychology Today here.

You can work with Graham here and with Matt here. Leave us a review and share the podcast if you like what we're doing!

Answering a question with a question. Seeking to discover what's beneath the anger. And underneath the sadness underneath the anger? And underneath that?

It's easy to disparage and mock, but the clichés that come with therapy - and especially a certain type of therapy - turn a lot of people away. Clients and couples often come to us frustrated that they haven't been helped to change their thinking and behaviour - merely to interpret, understand and analyse. Some therapies and therapists believe all the answers lie within the client and there should be no place for authority and expertise from the therapist.

We (mainly) disagree - and in today's episode, we explain how, although it's true that a sizable minority of people want and benefit from a space to talk and be heard, most couples and clients want to see tangible changes in their lives. They don't know how to get there themselves, and they look to us for help to get them unstuck, and quickly.

You can work with Graham here - www.grahamjohnston.uk

You can work with Matt here - www.matwotton.com

If you find the episode useful, please leave us a review and subscribe as it helps others like you find us.

"People who dwell in the past get stuck in the past." - Marc Andreessen. (https://www.youtube.com/shorts/b6Zw50f5jJk)

"Introspection causes emotional disorders." - Andreessen again.

"Reinforcing negative neural pathways via therapy or introspection is a recipe for disaster." - Elon Musk.

“And also, this is very important to understand about me, I am not into psychoanalysis, right. I think there is far too much of it and I think people spend far too long, constantly analysing themselves. I do what I do because I believe in it.” - Tony Blair

This idea is gaining traction, especially among a certain group of guys: that self-awareness is not only not helpful, but that it's actively harmful. It might take some of your edge away and leave you prone to introspection. As therapists and couples coaches, Matt & Graham are interested in why the idea is gaining ground, and how to work with those men, whether they want individual work or come to them as part of a couple. Short answer: we don't try and convince them that going back to their childhoods and spending lots of time understanding themselves and feeling their feelings is the way forward. We move quickly to show them how therapy can help them solve practical problems in their lives.

If you'd like to work with Graham or Matt, you can find them at www.grahamjohnston.uk and www.matwotton.com

And if you're enjoying the pod, make sure you subscribe, share with friends, and leave us a nice review. Cheers!

Matt and Graham dive into the Manosphere on this episode of Crazy In Love. They respond to the recent Louis Theroux documentary on Netflix and this article which suggests Gen Z men are more likely to demand that their wives obey them:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/05/gen-z-men-baby-boomers-wives-should-obey-husbands

But what's the reality behind young men's beliefs about women? Should we be worried, or is this a moral panic similar to Grand Theft Auto and gangsta rap? How much influence do the likes of Andrew Tate have on young men? Are young women more at threat from predatory beliefs and values of their partners?

They draw on this thread from Owen Winter looking at the British Election Study:

https://x.com/OwenWntr/status/1902986069508780493

And this report from Male Allies UK:

https://www.maleallies.co.uk/voice-of-the-boys-report/

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Matt and Graham get their teeth into some advice from couples therapists about seven signs you might be heading for divorce, ranging from "you stop arguing" to "you take up ultramarathons" (yes, really).

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/feb/20/seven-surprising-signs-youre-heading-for-divorce

Along the way, in considering all seven, they return to some time-old signs of relationships longevity and fulfilment such as treating each other with respect and retaining some independence.

Jump in and enjoy!

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For Valentine's Day recently, The Guardian newspaper asked its readers from across the globe to offer their tips for successful long-term romantic relationships.

If we're honest, we thought the results were going to be abysmal. Bubble baths, "happy wife, happy life", go salsa dancing together: that kind of thing.

But as you'll hear, the tips themselves were a decent mix of useful motherhood and apple pie truths and some left-field gems.

We go back and forth in rapid fire with our views on the 16 tips, which range from "lower your expectations" (we love that one!) to "laugh together often" (we're a bit less keen on that one).

Here's the link:

‘Love, honor, cherish, accommodate’: 16 hard-earned relationship tips

As ever, we'd love to hear from you if you like what we're doing - crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com. And as ever, please like, subscribe and leave a review.