For most of my 5 brutal years of insomnia, I didn’t want anyone to know how bad it was.

We don’t want to be seen as weak. We prefer to appear tough. I was like that. But deep down, I was suffering, and it was hard.

And I see the same thing in a lot of my clients. Especially the ones who have always pushed themselves. They’re used to being strong, getting things done, and meeting high expectations.

Then insomnia shows up, and suddenly they can barely function.

Why this hits people who push themselves the hardest

When you’re used to solving every problem by trying harder, insomnia feels like a personal failure.

You’ve done everything right. You tried the pills, the supplements, the routines, maybe even CBT-i. And you still can’t sleep. So the voice in your head says you must be weak.

On top of that, you don’t feel like yourself anymore. You’re low energy, you’re not productive, you don’t feel like you used to. All of that hits how you see yourself, and that’s completely normal during insomnia.

But there’s nothing weak about it. Some of the most driven people I’ve coached had insomnia for years, and they recovered.

Here’s the problem with that voice.

Every time you call yourself weak at 2 am, your brain reads that as danger. And danger is exactly what keeps the alarm in your brain switched on.

That alarm is the whole reason you can’t sleep. So the harder you are on yourself, the harder it gets for the alarm to switch off.

A sentence that calms the alarm

Here’s a simple practice you can do anytime, day or night.

First, think of something that’s been bothering you. Your sleep, or anything else.

Then find where you feel it in your body. Maybe it’s a knot in your stomach. A heavy chest. Tense muscles. Just notice where it is.

Keep your attention there, and say a few kind words to yourself. Something like:

“I feel awful right now. That is okay. It will pass.”

Or:

“This is really hard. I’m here for you."

That’s it. You’re not trying to fix anything. You’re not trying to make the feeling go away. You’re just being there for yourself, the same way you would be for someone you love.

It might feel weird at first. That’s normal. The more you practice, the more natural it gets.

Being kind doesn’t mean going soft

A lot of driven people worry that if theyre kind to themselves, they’ll get lazy. That they’ll lose the discipline that made them successful.

You won’t. You can be kind to yourself and still hold yourself accountable. You can still push toward your goals. You can still stick to your sleep window and wake up at the same time every day.

The only difference is that you stop beating yourself up when things are hard.

And that difference matters a lot for your sleep. Because a brain that feels under threat stays on guard. And a brain on guard keeps the alarm on all night.

When you meet your worst nights with care instead of blame, your brain starts to feel safe again. That’s when the alarm starts to settle down. And when the alarm settles down, sleep comes back on its own.

Your practice this week

Every time you catch yourself being hard on yourself, stop for a second.

Find where you feel it in your body. Put your attention there. And say, “I feel awful right now. That is okay. It will pass.”

Do it every time, even when it feels weird. That’s how you teach the alarm in your brain that it doesn’t need to protect you from yourself.

If you want my personal help ending insomnia, start a 7-day FREE trial of the End Insomnia Program on Skool and recover within 12 months or get a full refund 👇

Start Your 7-Day FREE Trial on Skool

To peaceful sleep,

Ivo at End Insomnia

Why should you listen to me?

I recovered from insomnia after 5 brutal years of suffering. I've now coached 100s like you to end their insomnia for good, 100% naturally, by fixing the root cause: hyper-arousal.

During my 5 brutal years of insomnia, I spent months thinking there must be something seriously wrong with me.

And at 3 am, the voice in my head was not nice. “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just sleep like everybody else? Everyone else can do this.”

I thought being tough on myself would help. Like if I pushed hard enough, I would finally get it right.

It did the opposite.

Why being hard on yourself keeps you awake

Research across 48 studies found that people who are hard on themselves have more anxiety and more depression. It doesn’t make you stronger. It just makes the night harder.

And here’s the part that matters for sleep. When you talk to yourself like that, your brain reads it as one more threat. The part of your brain that looks for danger gets more active.

That’s the alarm in your brain. And that alarm is the exact thing keeping you awake at night.

So every time I called myself broken at 3 am, I was feeding the alarm that was causing my insomnia in the first place.

Research also shows the other side. Being kind to yourself calms that same part of the brain down. So being kind to yourself during insomnia is one of the most practical things you can do for your sleep.

Insomnia is not your fault

Here’s how it usually starts. A few weeks of stress you barely noticed. Some bad news. Even a cold that gave you a couple of rough nights.

Then you start worrying about sleep. The worry keeps the alarm on. You sleep worse, so you worry more. And before you know it, you’re stuck in a vicious cycle.

Anyone in that cycle would be struggling. It has nothing to do with being weak. Your brain learned to treat the night as a threat, and that’s all that happened.

Everybody thinks their insomnia is unique at first. I thought the same about my own insomnia for 5 brutal years. But the pattern is always the same.

And a fear your brain learned, it can also unlearn. I’m living proof of that, and so are the hundreds of people I’ve coached.

Try this: talk to yourself like a friend

Think about a rough night you had recently. Probably even last night? The worry, the anger, the feeling that you’re failing.

Now picture a good friend coming to you and telling you they’re going through the exact same thing. You know how it feels, because you’ve been there.

What would you say to them?

You wouldn’t say,

“What’s wrong with you? Just relax and sleep.

You’d probably say something like,

“I get it. This is really hard. You’re going to be okay.

Now say those same words to yourself. Close your eyes, think of your own rough night, and give yourself the care youd give your friend.

It’s going to feel weird at first. For most of us, being hard on ourselves is automatic, and being kind to ourselves is new. That’s normal. It gets easier the more you practice.

What this does for your sleep

Being kind to yourself doesn’t make the rough nights disappear. Youre still tired. It still sucks.

But it takes away the extra layer of pain you were adding on top. All the blame, all the whats wrong with me.” That’s dirty pain, and it only keeps the alarm going.

When your brain stops hearing a threat from you, the alarm has one less reason to stay on. And once that alarm comes down, sleep comes back on its own.

So tonight, when you catch that voice, stop and ask yourself one question. What would I say to a friend right now? Then say that to yourself.

If you want my personal help ending insomnia, start a 7-day FREE trial of the End Insomnia Program on Skool and recover within 12 months or get a full refund 👇

Start Your 7-Day FREE Trial on Skool

To peaceful sleep,

Ivo at End Insomnia

Why should you listen to me?

I recovered from insomnia after 5 brutal years of suffering. I've now coached 100s like you to end their insomnia for good, 100% naturally, by fixing the root cause: hyper-arousal.

For 5 brutal years I told myself the same thing. Once I sleep normally again, everything else in my life is going to be fine.

So I put everything on one number. The hours I got last night. Everything else in my life was on hold until that number went up.

And that’s the trap, because what you chase, evades you.

A quick question

Say you slept 3 hours last night and you feel like crap this morning. And then today you win the lottery. Three billion dollars.

(Or your child is born).

How would you feel?

Probably pretty amazing, right? On the same 3 hours of sleep. Your whole state changed in one second, and nothing about last night changed.

I use this with my clients because it shows something important. The hours you got don’t decide your day on their own. What’s going on in your life and where your attention goes matter just as much.

Why chasing good sleep keeps the alarm on

Here’s the other half of it. Even when you get the thing you were waiting for, you get used to it pretty fast, and it stops feeling special.

We do this with everything, not just sleep. The new job. The new house. You want it for years, you get it, and a few months later its just normal.

Sleep works the same way. I see it with my clients all the time. They get a few good nights in a row and they feel amazing. Then the fear comes back. What if I lose this?

And that fear alone is enough to wake the old alarm back up. A few bad nights follow, and it feels like the progress is gone.

It’s not gone. But it does tell you something. As long as good sleep is the one thing your whole life depends on, your brain still sees the night as something to protect. And as long as there’s something to protect, the alarm stays switched on.

That alarm has to come down first. Sleep returns after that, not before.

Aim at the day insteadS

o stop aiming at tonight, and aim at today.

Do things that matter to you, even tired. Small ones count too. Time with your family. The gym. Your work. A walk outside.

Those things are your values, and you can act on them on any day. Good night or bad night. You don’t have to feel like a million bucks to do them.

The goal here is to care less about sleep. And when you care less, your body stops seeing the night as a threat, and sleep starts to happen on its own.

One thing to keep in mind here.

You’re not doing them to sleep better tonight. The second you turn it into a trick for sleep, it becomes another Sleep Effort, and your brain feels the pressure again.

You do them because that’s the life you want back. The better sleep is what shows up later, once the alarm is off.

What I’d tell you to do this week

Write down 2 or 3 things that matter to you. Not the things you think should matter. The ones that actually do.

Then do them this week, no matter how you sleep.

Some of those days will be rough. Rough days pass.

At the end of the week, look at what you did instead of the hours you got. Confidence comes from evidence, and the evidence you need is a week of days where you showed up anyway.

That’s the switch that starts to turn the alarm off. And once it’s off, the sleep comes back on its own.

If you want my personal help ending insomnia, start a 7-day FREE trial of the End Insomnia Program on Skool and recover within 12 months or get a full refund 👇

Start Your 7-Day FREE Trial on Skool

To peaceful sleep,

Ivo at End Insomnia

Why should you listen to me?

I recovered from insomnia after 5 brutal years of suffering. I've now coached 100s like you to end their insomnia for good, 100% naturally, by fixing the root cause: hyper-arousal.