Episodes

  • TO BREED OR NOT TO BREED: The Pros & Cons Of Having Kids vs. Not Having Kids

    TO BREED OR NOT TO BREED: The Pros & Cons Of Having Kids vs. Not Having Kids
    May 24 2022
    IN THIS EPISODE, we explore the biggest decision you can probably make in your life We dive into parenthood, looking at the landscape of it in culture and in personal life. We see how parenting has evolved from a social obligation to a personal choice. And we lay out a list of reasons you just might want to skip the Parent aspect of a long term relationship And reasons why you would want to embrace it. On today’s episode we are breaking down one of the most important choices you can make in your life, and how it impacts your relationship and the world This important choice is whether to become parents. This might sound ominous, and it is a topic that instantly causes controversy, especially in family circles. Who hasn’t nervously sat through the “when are you having a baby” interrogation, innocently administered by everyone from strangers at the grocery store, to casual friends, to your own anxious parents? So often, there’s this expectation when you are in a deep, committed relationship, that the next logical -and required- step is to start a family of your own. It’s a social script. It isn’t a real requirement in life, and really it never has been. Sure, in the agricultural age or earlier, the more kids you had the better, so the choice became more enforced, and the expectation became codified through law or religion. But we live in a different age. Thanks to science, children have a far greater chance of survival into adulthood; not just in the developed world but throughout most of the developing world too, children have far fewer fatality rates than in ages past. In fact, child mortality rates in the US alone have gone from 46% in 1800 to 0.7% in 2020 https://www.statista.com/statistics/1041693/united-states-all-time-child-mortality-rate/ Higher standards in the world of health, education, and even the relative liberation of women’s roles in much of the world have brought about a Golden Age of baby-making. It used to be your child had a 1 in 5 chance to see adulthood. Nowadays it’s closer to a 1 in 5 chance that they won’t. Just since 1990 alone, the child mortality rate (under 5 years old) has halved, and the childhood survival trend is still growing. https://ourworldindata.org/child-mortality All to say that a New Normal is here: Whereas the past dictated that we personally must procreate or humanity itself could face extinction, there are now enough people in the world, making enough babies, that we can truly see the wonders of parenthood as a personal choice we have the privilege of making, and not as a cultural obligation. But we are just at that turnover point in history where that is becoming true, only in the last couple of generations has the personal idea that you could choose not to become a parent started to take hold, and there’s still plenty of stigma surrounding that choice. Socially speaking, there really is a kind of dividing line between parents and non-parents. Parents normally seem to just assume that you want the same for yourself. And in social spheres, distance can grow quickly between friends who are parents and friends who are childless. This isn’t all due to conscious choices or some prejudice, a lot of it is logistical; lives become very different between the two groups. Priorities change, life-rhythms change… …Budgets change. Before we go further, I want to make clear that this isn’t a talk where we tell you you have to have a baby. We are also not telling you you shouldn’t have a baby. As usual, we strive for more nuance than that. We are exploring the pros & cons of each choice, and illuminating both paths in an attempt to help clarify what each choice entails. We honestly believe that this is a sacrosanct personal opinion, as important to the stability & health of your relationship as it could be for the stability & health of world. Either is a path not to take lightly, and it isn’t for us to judge which is right for you. If you feel you’re at some sort of crossroads and have to weigh the options, we hope our little chat can help with that. Getting started: THE PROS & CONS OF PARENTING: * Forget traveling! * I don’t mean the easy vacation, although that becomes harder too. * Talking about climbing the Himalayas, backpacking the amazon… * The risks are greater, and the cost is multiplied by having to bring kids (or not bring them, also a cost) * Just the logistics also get harder too. The baby seat, the potty breaks, the airplane trips… (train them way early, like 6 months or younger) * Harder to do an adult thing on a trip (like a cocktail in the lobby bar) if you have kids with you. * Caveat: it can be great to show kids the world, but it will be a lot harder and some stuff will be off-limits (lion safari? not kid friendly) * Career takes a backseat * especially women for stupid reasons (maternal expectations etc) * ...
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    57 mins
  • SEXY SPACE HACKS: Tips For Maximizing The Sexual Potential In Your Home

    SEXY SPACE HACKS: Tips For Maximizing The Sexual Potential In Your Home
    May 10 2022
    (NOTE: We have 3 episodes to go before we bring this show to a close. The journey has been very informative and we’ve made many friends along the way. However, our current life has so much activity in it, and demands on our time. It’s not like it was in the middle of the pandemic. We may pick up this podcast series again in the near future, but it really is up to you dear listeners. Let us know in comments or emails if you get enough benefit from this podcast for us to continue serving you.) IN THIS EPISODE, we make it smell good. We make it look good. And we show you how to make your space feel good. So you can feel oh-so-good! We are breaking down one of the most important variables in your love life, your environment and how to make it better. Today’s episode is a complement to our other 2 episodes in this vein, Tips For Spicing Up Your Love Life, and Tips For Having More Sex. This 3rd episode concentrates on the things you can alter in your physical space to make lovemaking more likely, more enjoyable, and more frequent. This might sound kinda silly and not worth bothering with, but trust me- hacking your space can really help you level up your love life. There are some pretty commonly-accepted turn-ons and turn offs in life. And even though people’s preferences vary a lot, it is certainly true that making changes in your home environment, bedroom environment, or wherever you prefer to make nooky will definitely help your chances. So we compiled a list of what works, without getting too in the details, since the details will change from person to person, and sex partner to sex partner We strove to reduce these tips down to general elements to ponder on, so you can decide how you best manifest their value in your life. Getting started: * Make it smell good * We mean clean of course, but also try different scents you & your lover both enjoy candles, incenses, sprays, oil lamps, aromatic dispensers are available * 1999 paper by Alan Hirsch and Jason Gruss published in the Journal of Neurological and Orthopaedic Medicine and Surgery suggests sex and smell have a long association:“Historically, certain smells have been considered aphrodisiacs, a subject of much folklore and pseudoscience. In the volcanic remnants of Pompeii, perfume jars were preserved in the chambers designed for sexual relations. Ancient Egyptians bathed with essential oils in preparation for assignations; Sumarians seduced their women with perfumes. A relationship between smell and sexual attraction is emphasized in traditional Chinese rituals, and virtually all cultures have used perfume in their marriage rites. In mythology, rose petals symbolized scent, and the word ‘deflowering’ describes the initial act of sex. * ….“The prominent connection between odors and sex among diverse historical periods and cultures implies a high level of evolutionary importance. Freud suggested that odors are such strong inducers of sexual feelings that repression of smell sensations is necessary to civilization.” * Studies have shown that the scent of lavender directly increases alpha waves, which acts to reduce anxiety, therefore easing the capacity for amorous and erotic interactions * There’s also a ton of material about the relationship of personal scent (perfumes colognes) and how they’re designed for sexual arousal. Check out this essay https://www.girvin.com/sexual-flavors-designing-sexuality-in-scent/ * Play sexy music * https://www.aimm.edu/blog/how-does-music-affect-your-mood * According to this blog we came across on the Atlanta Institute of Music and Media, “It was discovered that music can release dopamine in two main places in the brain, the dorsal and ventral striatum. When you are having a pleasurable experience, such as listening to your favorite song, these areas of the brain light up.” * Turns out that the rhythm of the song you're listening to can even influence your heart rate, so when people sing together, dance together, or make love with each, their breathing can become synchronized, which can obviously help stimulate positive emotions. * Choose a playlist that both (or all) of you enjoy that also encourages sensual movement of your bodies. Whatever that means for you. We enjoy deep house, sultry blues, classic jazz, or artists like Alt-J, Leonard Cohen, or even Thomas Dolby. * Control the lighting * https://blog.specshoward.edu/blog/how-lighting-affects-mood * https://www.tcpi.com/psychological-impact-light-color/ * As any photographer or videographer will tell you, it is ALL about the lighting. It can make a princess look like a troll, or toad look like a super sexy lizard. So, take a look at your space, is it welcoming? Or does it feel more business like? * If it feels like you’re at the dentist’s office about to endure an hour of invasive brain grinding pain, you need to...
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    27 mins
  • WOUNDED WARRIORS: BECOMING LOVERS - Interview With Veteran and Relationship Counselor Mark Cunningham

    WOUNDED WARRIORS: BECOMING LOVERS - Interview With Veteran and Relationship Counselor Mark Cunningham
    May 3 2022

    IN THIS EPISODE, we share our conversation with war veteran now therapist, Mark Cunningham.

    Mark sheds some light on what it is like having witnessed battle and what he learned from it that now informs some of his work with patients as he develops his couples counseling practice.

    He explains what a soul wound is.

    And he reveals what his secret wish would be if he happened across a magical genie in a bottle, and you might be terribly surprised to find out what it is!

    We were honored to interview Mark Cunningham, a couples counselor & sex therapist with specialization in healing trauma, helping other veterans through it, and guiding individuals and couples through the often difficult task of piecing together their lives after painful events occurred.

    The interview proved to be a rare look into a therapist’s own process within their practice, less shop-talk and more personal insight.

    As such, it became less a conversation about relationship techniques, and more of a glimpse into what happens in the mind of the counselor or therapist themselves.

    We also touched upon Mark’s history of military service, and in what ways his personal story impacts his work, both in relationship counseling and personal counseling for vets dealing with trauma.

    He shares some techniques he learned along the way, such as contact statements and emotional focusing, which help his clients get in touch with the store of emotions trapped within their physical bodies.

    He describes his upbringing, and how it affected his vision of sexuality & love. And he even shares what happened when his mom discovered his porn stash. And he discloses how that search for his sexual/romantic identity led him though some questionable avenues before finding the right path for himself.
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    1 hr
  • DISASTER POP: Crappy Love Songs And Their Terrible Advice!

    DISASTER POP: Crappy Love Songs And Their Terrible Advice!
    Apr 26 2022
    We are back from our two-week break! We had a very nice time! And we took a 100% complete break from all things podcast! But we missed you. Thanks for sticking around! IN THIS EPISODE, we are digging into the crates, we are revisiting some popular love songs in the history of pop music. It’s a playlist of dysfunction, codependency, and even mortal danger. We get critical with the lyrics to determine exactly what love lesson they’re trying to teach you. We had been thinking of what to do after our break to ease us back in a fun way, and we came up with the idea to break down some love songs You know how, you’re listening to a love song, and it sounds all pretty and then you REALLY listen and it’s kinda… wrong? Like the Stalker Song aka Every Breath You Take by Sting So we decided to hunt through the decades of Pop and find songs that had that quality in common; Bad Love Lessons. There were a lot of examples, it was hard to choose from so many! but we decided to bring out just 2 examples from each decade, starting in the 1960s and ending in the 2010s, and to address them chronologically, and ring the shame bell as we parade their messages naked in front of you It’s a little sad that these songs, beautiful as they are, are promoting what should generally be considered unhealthy relationship habits. But we can appreciate the art of songwriting even if we don’t agree with the lyrics right? They’re still good songs, just not songs you should consider healthy life lessons. Sing them in the shower all you want, just don’t try to emulate their relationship strategies because they’re nothing but trouble Here are, subject to all our snarky criticism, some Great But Shitty Love Songs! (ALRIGHT BMI OR WHATEVER MASSIVE CORPORATION OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THESE SONGS: Our inclusion of snippets of each song in this podcast, and our narration of the lyrical content therein, constitute quoting or excerpting a work in a review or criticism for purposes of illustration or comment, and are protected as Fair Use under U.S. Copyright Law, Article 17, Code 106,https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/17/106 SO DON'T SUE US BRAH) 60s Runaround Sue- Dion https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/2128/Runaround+Sue She took my love then ran around, With every single guy in town Now people let me put you wise Sue goes out with other guys * His problem: Emophilia - tendency to fall in love too easily, fast, and often * https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/slightly-blighty/202102/do-you-fall-in-love-too-easily * His response: Slut-Shaming * https://www.dictionary.com/e/slang/slut-shaming/ Slut-shaming is the practice of disparaging women, and occasionally men, for acting in a manner that violates “norms” regarding sexually appropriate behavior. These denigrations, which are often double standards, range from criticizing women for wearing sexy clothing or having multiple sexual partners to blaming sexual assault and rape survivors for their attacks. This can be very traumatizing to a woman, just ask Amber Rose. When a Man Loves a Woman- Percy Sledge https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/percysledge/whenamanlovesawoman.html * Classic case of PEDESTALLING: Needing someone who is unattainable so you can blame your unhappiness on not having that person, instead of confronting the actual source of it. https://www.dmarge.com/2021/08/pedestalling-dating-trend.html * Also a pretty good dose of codependency: “I gave you everything I have, Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love, baby, please don't treat me bad.” 70s Just the way you are- Billy Joel https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/3214162/Billy+Joel * the story: this man is telling his longtime partner that they don’t need to change anything… * It’s a tricky song where the sentiment begins in a positive but then it turns subtly sour & controlling * anxiety over personal evolution : “don’t change for me, *or* for you” * refusal to engage in deeper conversation, just “talk to” her, not with her. Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John https://genius.com/Olivia-newton-john-hopelessly-devoted-to-you-lyrics * Codependency: Losing your identity in a relationship fantasy * Obsessive: chasing a relationship when it’s clear the other person isn’t into it. * https://psychcentral.com/health/why-men-give-up-their-identity-in-a-relationship#causes * Some possible causes for losing your identity in relationships might include: * lack of boundaries * low self-esteem or self-worth * shaky sense of self * codependency 80s Saving All My Love For You- Whitney Houston https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/30043958/whitney+houston/saving+all+my+love+for+you * The story: a woman is being led around by a married man, she’s fixated on him & dedicates herself to his pleasure * Low Self-Confidence * Low Integrity * Self-delusional * Lack of proper emotional support….. the a dog or some shit. How Am I Supposed To Live Without ...
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    51 mins
  • 7 QUESTIONS ABOUT MASTURBATION - Everything you wanted to know about self-pleasure but were afraid to ask

    7 QUESTIONS ABOUT MASTURBATION - Everything you wanted to know about self-pleasure but were afraid to ask
    Apr 5 2022
    (NOTE: We’ll be off the air for the next two weeks celebrating our wedding anniversary! It’s lucky #12, bunnies! So you know we have to make it special. Yup, we take our romance quite seriously. We will be back as of Tuesday, April 26th where we will be taking on Shitty Love Songs. ) Masturbation! Is it healthy? Is it harmful? IN THIS EPISODE, we talk about touching ourselves. We answer 7 questions & address the changing attitudes toward this hard, slippery subject We share why it’s good to engage in self-pleasure, and ways it might be bad so you need to cut it out. & we give both vagina owners & penis owners some great hands-on techniques for making that alone time extra special! Masturbation is a touchy subject (ahem), with opinions ranging from the religious, to the scientific, the psychological to the spiritual, and everything in between. Some feel that it is cheating, some claim it a sin, and some just think it is unhealthy for our reproductive systems. Are they right? Or is it instead a healthy way to release some pressure, relieve tension, and stimulate a rush of happy chemicals all while enjoying some intimate time with our own bodies? Cum with us as we answer 7 questions about masturbation! 1. Is it Healthy for men to masturbate? What about women? In short, yes. Masturbation has many many benefits for both men and women with the release of endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin that result in: * better quality of sleep * stress relief * mood booster * reduces sensation of pain * can improve quality of sex * gain a better understanding of what works for you * mutual masturbation with a partner is a great way to be intimate without risk of pregnancy, STIs, etc. Or it could even be a fun alternative to mix things up and add more variety to your love life. Specifically for men, masturbating 1-3 times a week (especially if not having sex to completion with a partner) has been shown to improve erectile function, maintain healthy sperm production, and it may even help lower the risks of prostate cancer. This study even says to ejaculate 21 times a month to decrease your risk https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19520362/ejaculation-and-prostate-cancer-risk/ In regards to women flicking the bean, there are even more reasons for us to pleasure ourselves on the reg! It supports vaginal health due to increased blood flow, increases our base level of arousal, helps to relieve cramping, causes us be more sensitive to all the yummy sensations, and it can even mollify some of the more painful side effects of being pregnant, such as lower back pain or mild contractions. 2. Can it be harmful? Just like anything, if it is done to excess, of course it can be harmful to our well being. For example: * If you are a man and have too strong of a grip while masturbating, it can decrease sensation sensitivity, especially with a partner. So it is recommended to adjust your grip when you spend some time alone, to allow your member to feel more sensations. * You could also cause your penis to swell if you whack it too often, so if that starts happening you might want to give it a bit of a break. * If you use toys and don’t clean them properly you could earn yourself a lovely bacterial infection, and same goes with hands! So if you have a vulva, make sure that anything you plan to stick or allow in to your vagina has recently been sanitized, with a high quality toy cleaner, or a plain old thorough washing with soap. * Masturbation addiction is real and can create a lasting harm. Chasing that dopamine and endorphin high has led to people losing their jobs, negatively affecting their relationships (both intimate & platonic), and dropping the ball on life’s assorted responsibilities. If you have found yourself canceling plans to stay home and have a wank, if you find yourself unable to refrain from rubbing one out in a public or generally frowned upon environment, if you aren’t able to enjoy sexual intimacy with your partner because you’re comparing it to your solo flights, you may be addicted to masturbating. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Ashera DeRosa says ”If you’re finding it hard to control where and when you masturbate or are feeling alarmed about your fantasies or the kind of porn you are seeking out, it would be helpful to unpack this with a sex-positive therapist” There are resources for help, and plenty of healthy alternatives for relieving some pent up frustration if you are concerned things are getting out of balance. 3. If I’m in a relationship, is it cheating on my partner? Of course it depends on your relationship agreements, some consider it cheating for their partners to experience sexual pleasure with anyone other than themselves. However, we are of the mind that that is generally shortsighted, selfish, and comes from a place of deep insecurity. We are all born with our own sex life, dormant in our genes and ready to bloom in adolescence. We would’ve had our...
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    42 mins
  • 10 TIPS FOR HAVING MORE (& BETTER) SEX!

    10 TIPS FOR HAVING MORE (& BETTER) SEX!
    Mar 29 2022
    IN THIS EPISODE, we share 10 hot tips to enjoy more sex. We offer suggestions for setting the stage, becoming more conducive to sexuality, and working to earn it. (& We share with you our 3 favorite C-words) We love sex! Sex is good. And good sex is even better. And since so many people in the world feel similarly, sex is used as the motivating factor for much of what happens in our society. It’s used to sell just about everything, from crap we can buy to our personal self esteem. It’s also incredibly important for the vast majority of relationships to stay healthy and for the people involved to feel a deep sense of connection with each other. One survey https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/sexual-dry-spells/ found that people in relationships who are sexually inactive (without identifying themselves as asexual) were more prone to feelings of sadness & depression and self-images based on unattractiveness. familiarity can be injurious to the sex drive, we get used to each other. It becomes more of a challenge over time to inhabit that original state of constant attraction to your partner and that desire for sexual connection. So you gotta take matters into your own hands. Grab the bull by the horns. Be deliberate, find ways to generate that state of desire between you two (or three or whatever) To help make it easier for sexy motivation, we did a bit of internet browsing that we also compile with some methods that have worked well for us, and turned them in to a handy dandy guide for youse guys. Without further ado, here are Heather & Marco’s Top 10 Tips for Having More (and better) sex! 1. • get revved up! • erotica, porn, dirty talk, etc. • your sex drive is dependent on stimulation and conditioning, so help it be strong • invite eros into your life and be mindful/focus on making your love life grow 2. • talk about it! • Lack of communication is often what leads to sex droughts in a relationship • your wills & wont’s • your secret fantasies • how you self-love • what is your right level • work through the puritan programming & fear of judgement around it • men & women have very different sexual expectations, learn to strike a balance 3. • work out regularly (get fit) • developing a relationship with your own body helps develop one with your partner’s body • the endorphins we get from a good workout help make us happy, which not only turns us on but also makes us more attractive. • by staying healthy and fit, we stay physically attractive to our partners, and to ourselves. You know, confidence! 4. • masturbate! • self pleasure is key for knowing what feels good to us • it helps keep all those yummy chemicals rushing through our bodies, so we’re more inclined to be turned on by our partners. • relieves frustration & tension, making us less grouchy to those around us. • but be open & non-judgmental. this is intimate/delicate territory 5. • schedule it • may not sound sexy, but life gets in the way. • so tell your lover, “tonight, we are going to have a snack, take showers, and then win the date”. BOOM. • set a weekly date! but balance the dryness of scheduling it with flirtation & playfulness, don’t turn it into another chore 6. • set a sexy scene • hack your environment to make it conducive to amorous activity • What does that mean? Look around you. Is it super messy? Does it smell bad? Is the lighting harsh? • tidy up, light some candles your lover enjoys, shut off or throw a scarf over those ugly ass lights. • grab the lube, the condoms, the toys, whatever you enjoy including in sexy time to have ready and easily at hand, cuz having to leave the room to hunt things down invariably puts a damper on the mood! 7. • get out and have a new/exciting experience • dopamine rush can help reset your libido • dopamine & other brain chemicals are directly linked to physical attraction • your level of “extremeness” will vary, but do something that makes your heart pound • bonding over exciting new activity helps spark arousal 8. • take a sex class and dedicate the weekend to trying out your new skills • so many kinds of classes! • how to perform oral better, for men and women. • bondage, like Shibari, if that excites you. • even if it turns out not to be a kink, or even if you don’t learn a whole lot from it, it’s about making a conscious effort 9. • masturbate in front of each other (eek!) • for the truly adventurous • shows your partner what turns you on • a level of trust and vulnerability to share such a personal intimate moment with each other • allows your partner to see what you like & how you like it • but be open & non-judgmental. this is intimate/delicate ...
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    50 mins
  • RESILIENT TO ANTIFRAGILE - The Secret To Building A Strong Relationship

    RESILIENT TO ANTIFRAGILE - The Secret To Building A Strong Relationship
    Mar 22 2022
    IN THIS EPISODE, we explore three levels of relationship strength; fragility, resilience, and anti fragility. We see how these states differ from one another, and how that relates to the strength of one’s relationship. We discover how chasing happiness can make you miserable. & We touch on ways we can get past relationship challenges and emerge stronger from them. Books! Click the Amazon links below to get these great books for your library. They're affiliate links so a percentage of your purchase will go toward helping our show, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support! “Antifragile” by Nassim Nicholas Taleb https://www.amazon.com/Antifragile-Nassim-Nicholas-Taleb-audiobook/dp/B00A2ZIZYQ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2L0YEF4GTW0R9&keywords=antifragile&qid=1647893662&s=books&sprefix=%252Cstripbooks%252C242&sr=1-1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=f7be86d63273fd6ef54cfe567f045e6a&camp=1789&creative=9325 “Happier, No Matter What” by Tal Ben-Shahar https://www.amazon.com/Happier-Matter-What-Cultivating-Resilience/dp/B092B95X4N/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=tal+ben-shahar&qid=1647894048&s=audible&sprefix=tal+ben%252Caudible%252C329&sr=1-1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=4363786ce7217d4437d5da53b85f704f&camp=1789&creative=9325 “Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment” by Tal Ben-Shahar https://www.amazon.com/Happier-Tal-Ben-Shahar-audiobook/dp/B000RNKHKI/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=tal+ben-shahar&qid=1647894048&s=audible&sprefix=tal+ben%252Caudible%252C329&sr=1-2&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=ebb4a6bedc661cfeb1d67ff0ca70fc97&camp=1789&creative=9325 * What Is Resilience? * Simply put, resilience is the ability to experience pain, challenges, or stress and then find a way to bounce back. * How is it different from anti-fragility? * anti-fragility was coined by author, mathematician, & risk analyst Nassim Nicholas Taleb, in his book, “Antifragile”. * According to Taleb, anti-fragility is the ability for a system to grow or benefit from unforeseen events, mistakes, or chaos. * And according to author & former Harvard professor, Tal Ben Shahar, anti-fragility is resilience 2.0. Resilience 1.0 is withstanding stress, whereas the antifragile becomes better because of it. • Some of the common characteristics of resilience: • resilient people know that “shit happens” * helps one to avoid feeling discriminated against when adversity occurs * instead of “why me?”, think “why not me?”. - Shit happens to everyone * “shit happens” removes ego from the equation, it’s simple statistics * resilient people are good at choosing where they place their attention * focus on what they can change and accept what they can’t (that’s the essence of Stoicism btw) * Stoicism is about training yourself to handle worst case scenarios by contemplating on them with emotional detachment and practicing skills to deal with any situation effectively. Stoicism removes the fear (and hope) of your anxious thoughts about the future and allows you to accept the inevitable hardships and final end that all humans face. It does this by building up your mental fortitude to accept the present moment and the randomness of the next hour, whether it is one of pleasure or pain. Therefore it is a philosophy of acceptance, no matter who you are and where you are in life. * Seneca was a rich dude who practiced non-attachment & visualized tragic scenarios, to be prepared against them * (Stoicism is in a way a philosophy about building resilience. Resilience is a precursor to antifragility)) * don’t diminish the negative, but have worked out a way to tune in to the good (benefit finding) * make an intentional, deliberate and ongoing effort to tune in to what’s good in your world * generally optimistic- focus on the big picture, don’t allow slip-up to ruin day, focus on gratitude, and live in the present * stay open minded and flexible * open to new ideas, opportunities, etc * recognize that the greatest opportunities come when there is a lot of upheaval * ask themselves “is what I am doing helping or harming me?” * The happiness paradox * from Tal Ben Shahar * pursuance of happiness causes unhappiness and tends to lead to depression (valuing happiness) * happiness is best pursued indirectly
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    37 mins
  • LOVE & TRAUMA - How To Cope With Overwhelming Anguish & How It Affects Relationships

    LOVE & TRAUMA - How To Cope With Overwhelming Anguish & How It Affects Relationships
    Mar 15 2022
    IN THIS EPISODE we dive in to the deep dark waters of experiencing trauma. We break down the many ways trauma can affect not only our own lives, but the lives of those around us, and our most important relationships. We share methods and resources for working through different kinds of trauma. & We share some modern techniques & treatments, some of which might surprise you. ––––––◊◊◊◊◊–––––– #traumahealing #lovetips #relationhips #couplestherapy #couples Some links & references for ya: Books (click on the affiliate links below to buy from Amazon and help our channel at no extra cost to you!): The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?crid=259CKICJ3L8J4&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1647293987&s=books&sprefix=body+keeps%252Cstripbooks%252C363&sr=1-1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=a74405be115787b82e9c7a4cdcf2e633&camp=1789&creative=9325 Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience - Dr. Brené Brown: https://www.amazon.com/Atlas-Heart-Meaningful-Connection-Experience/dp/0399592555/ref=pd_sbs_28/141-3629085-5543902?pd_rd_w=hrLr9&pf_rd_p=dfec2022-428d-4b18-a6d4-8f791333a139&pf_rd_r=AFR3TRBBHDEGHP97ZTWW&pd_rd_r=a89aec35-6cc8-4e4a-ab1c-94922872b219&pd_rd_wg=cNfTD&pd_rd_i=0399592555&psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=a2a8d31ad0582e5c531baacc099123d7&camp=1789&creative=9325 Healing Secondary Trauma: Proven Strategies for Caregivers and Professionals to Manage Stress, Anxiety, and Compassion Fatigue - Trudy Gilbert-Eliot, PhD: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1641527560/ref=sspa_dk_detail_2?psc=1&pd_rd_i=1641527560&pd_rd_w=a2JRz&pf_rd_p=0c758152-61cd-452f-97a6-17f070f654b8&pd_rd_wg=rK04Q&pf_rd_r=MMH5MJVGWPFDWVC01B8C&pd_rd_r=a31e2223-d5b7-4356-8a1c-201a35f8349b&s=books&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzUFAzRkdWSE05TVk4JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMTM5NzQwM081QVA5S0Q5QU9BUSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNDE0NzMyMVA4RldVQjRHTkdWSCZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2RldGFpbCZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=&_encoding=UTF8&tag=howtolovefore-20&linkCode=ur2&linkId=4fbaa8b3612119b268a6535a59d52666&camp=1789&creative=9325 Links "The Love After War" screening at CSU: https://facebook.com/events/s/alvs-presents-love-after-war-s/3258654744357885/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-etY_-8ZIUw https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-it-all-falls-apart-traumas-impact-on-intimate-relationships-0211145 https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/coping-secondary-trauma-loved-ones-guide-0605137 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201908/how-traumas-create-negative-patterns-in-relationships https://www.researchgate.net/publication/233329449_Broken_hearts_and_mending_bodies_The_impact_of_trauma_on_intimacy “I’m just so lucky to walk through this hell with her”. Tommy Vietor https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glb2LEFHX_A&list=PLOOwEPgFWm_NHcQd9aCi5JXWASHO_n5uR&index=4 https://peaceaftertrauma.com/about-carolyn/ https://www.loveafterwar.org/ References Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US). Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2014. (Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, No. 57.) Chapter 3, Understanding the Impact of Trauma. Millán K. “Signs and Symptoms of PTSD”. Black Bear Lodge. Black Bear Rehab. N.d. Nielsen B. “How Unhealed Trauma Affects Highly Sensitive People”. Highly Sensitive Refuge. 10 February 2020. “Past trauma may haunt your future health”. Harvard Women’s Health Watch. Harvard Health Publishing: Harvard Medical School. February 2019. Yoder C. “Unaddressed trauma & how it impacts us”. Peace After Trauma. 2018. Effective psychotherapy is good for trauma patients, not to fix people, to paraphrase Dr Van Dr Kolk, but to be able to acknowledge the terrible scary things that happened and to find ways the patient can fix themselves. About Bessel van der Kolk: Bessel van der Kolk is a psychiatrist noted for his research in the area of post-traumatic stress since the 1970s. His work focuses on the interaction of attachment, neurobiology, and developmental aspects of trauma’s effects on people. His major publication, Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society, talks about how the role of trauma in psychiatric illness has changed over the past 20 years. Dr. van der Kolk is past President of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Professor of Psychiatry at Boston University Medical School, and Medical Director of the Trauma Center at JRI in Brookline, Massachusetts. He has taught at universities and hospitals across the United States and around the world, including Europe, Africa, Russia, Australia, Israel, and China. Check out Bessel van der Kolk's latest ...
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    54 mins