Why do some people jump into a new relationship almost immediately after a divorce or breakup, while others take years before they're ready to love again?

In this episode of Dating After 50 with Robin, we're looking beyond the usual advice about rebound relationships and asking a much more important question: What happens to our sense of self when a long-term relationship ends, and what can the space between relationships teach us?

Research on romantic breakups has found that the end of a relationship can disrupt what psychologists call self-concept clarity, our sense of who we are and what defines us. Studies by Erica Slotter, Wendi Gardner and Eli Finkel found that romantic partners often develop overlapping identities, routines and social worlds, which can leave us asking, Who am I without this person? after the relationship ends.

Research by Grace Larson and David Sbarra also found that improvements in self-concept clarity following a breakup were connected with decreases in breakup-related emotional intrusion and loneliness.

But here's the surprising part: research doesn't support the blanket assumption that getting into another relationship quickly is automatically unhealthy. Claudia Brumbaugh and R. Chris Fraley found that people in new relationships reported greater confidence in their desirability and more resolution regarding their former partners. Among people who had begun new relationships, moving on more quickly was associated with some measures of greater psychological and relational health.

So maybe the question isn't:

“How long should I wait before dating again?”

Maybe it's:

“What am I doing with the space between relationships?”

We'll talk about rebuilding your identity after divorce, the difference between choosing someone and using someone to escape loneliness, carrying unresolved relationship patterns into something new, and why being alone for a period of time can be an opportunity to develop the self-awareness and relationship skills that help create healthier love the next time around.

Because dating after 50 isn't about finding another relationship as quickly as possible.

It's about being able to recognize—and participate in—a healthy one when it arrives.

• Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L., & Finkel, E. J. (2010). Who Am I Without You? The Influence of Romantic Breakup on the Self-Concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

• Larson, G. M., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Participating in Research on Romantic Breakups Promotes Emotional Recovery via Changes in Self-Concept Clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science.

• Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Too Fast, Too Soon? An Empirical Investigation Into Rebound Relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

Research discussed