All too often, nostalgia seduces us into remembering things better than they actually were. But every once in awhile, the opposite occurs, and we get to re-experience something that turns out to be far better than our memory somehow maligned. Listen as Javi, Paul, and the ever mystical Producer Brad return to the days of high adventure as their dread is transmuted into delight by the startling revelation that the Conan sequel does not actually suck, but is kind of awesome! Arnold Schwarzenegger returns as Conan (with more lines!) to embark on a perilous quest with the promise of the ultimate reward. Joining the fray alongside the returning fountain of wizarding wonder that is Mako are iconic Grace Jones, imperious Sarah Douglas, impish Tracey Walter (cosmically transported from Repo Man), impetuous Olivia D’Abo, and imposing Wilt Chamberlain. And while the absence of Milius and Stone is certainly felt, we get rollicking D&D campaign scored by Basil Poledouris (if with less robust orchestra) elevated by an unexpected feminist twist, alongside more impalements than one would ever expect for a PG rating, not to mention one of the gnarliest monster killings ever committed to celluloid (thanks to a fantastic creature design by the great Carlo Rambaldi). Glory to Crom! And bring on King Conan!

Show Notes:

US Theatrical Release Date: July 29, 1984

Weekend Domestic Box Office Chart for June 29, 1984

1984 Top-Grossing Movies - The Numbers

AFI|Catalog - Conan the Destroyer

Roger Ebert's "Conan the Destroyer" movie review

FILM:SCHWARZENEGGER IN NEW 'CONAN' - The New York Times

Theme music by Mike McGuill

Additional voicework by Russell Bentley

Summer of '84 voiced by Colby Elliott

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Between the blockbuster successes of Airplane! and The Naked Gun!, Jim Abrahams and the Zucker Bros. took a more scattershot satirical turn with Top Secret!, which parodies everything from Cold War spy thrillers to Elvis rock and roll musicals to WWII espionage dramas to ’60s beach party movies to an entire flashback remake of The Blue Lagoon. Skillfully surfing these crashing waves of colliding genres is none other than an impossibly young, beautiful, and charming Val Kilmer in his film debut, deftly demonstrating he can do pretty much anything with dazzling aplomb, including a show-stopping oner shot backwards. Kilmer plays Nick Rivers, an anachronistic American rock star on a cultural exchange to East Germany who gets caught up with an inexplicably still-active French Resistance to rescue an imprisoned scientist forced to build a diabolical doomsday weapon. Join Javi, Paul, and the cunningly clandestine Producer Brad as they go skeet surfing through this tsunami of sight gags that includes a giant pooping pigeon, an underwater saloon fight, and the greatest on-screen performance ever by a cow wearing boots.

Show Notes:

US Theatrical Release Date: June 22, 1984

Weekend Domestic Box Office Chart for June 22, 1984

1984 Top-Grossing Movies (Inflation-Adjusted) - The Numbers

AFI|Catalog - Top Secret!

Roger Ebert's Top Secret! movie review & film summary

FILM: 'TOP SECRET!', PARODY OF SPY MOVIES - The New York Times

1984 Sears Christmas Wish Book (with Fred Savage modeling)

The First Giant Restaurant Chain: Howard Johnson's: Rise and Fall

The Most Unsung Leading Man of His Generation: Val Kilmer (1959-2025)

Pinto Madness – Mother Jones

Theme music by Mike McGuill

Additional voicework by Russell Bentley

Summer of '84 voiced by Colby Elliott

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