I had a panic attack yesterday, and wanted to hide from my life but couldn't. I still had to participate. I thought it was going to be excruciating to be around people, because I didn't have the energy to be myself. But I may have stumbled across an insight, where if I don't have to be myself then there's a pain in being around people. If there's no attachment to being perceived a certain way, then I can be around people and feel totally free no matter how they perceive me. Prior to this, I've had a lot of fear of being around people when I'm feeling depressed, anxious, and bottomed out energy-wise. Now I'm starting to see that my fear is founded on my own need to be seen a certain way. To the extent that I create a picture I want people to see of me, that's how much pain I'm teeing myself up for when I can't maintain the picture. Tonight, there was no picture because I didn't have the energy to create it. Strangely, I still found myself joking around and even having fun, but it was spontaneous. At other times I felt scared and vulnerable. Exposed. Experience just flowed from one condition to another, and I watched this happen. But where was I? I could see my body and the world as always, but I couldn't find a sense of self. My internal landscape was completely unfamiliar, despite the outside world looking exactly as it would. This has happened before and I've felt distress at not feeling like my usual self. I felt disoriented, and a strong resistance to what was happening as far as my thoughts and emotions were going. But now I think I'm starting to get a little bit of a hint of what might be freeing about not having to adhere to a particular set of thoughts and feelings, or to have to project any specific persona in social situations.

I've been experiencing a terrifying and familiar blanket of misery for the past week or so, and struggling like hell to try to get out of it, to try to get back to how I was before — which was energetic, optimistic, positive, powerful. Just, in short, feeling good. And I've been feeling bad.

In the middle of a long drive, some insights have come up to reveal why I've been feeling the way I have and what I can do to return to a more authentic way of being in my life.

Perhaps depression is a strong signal that something is out of alignment. Maybe I'm somehow being untruthful in the world, or with myself, and I might not even know it... but for the lack of energy, the listlessness, the fear.

It might be that the way out of my own personal hell, is to let my own personal hell just be the way it is, and to let people in on that.

Pia Leichter is a creative partner, certified coach, author of 'Welcome to the Creative Club', and founder of Kollektiv Studio. A recovering nomad and chaos curator, she’s worked as an award-winning creative director for some of the biggest brands in the world. Now, Pia co-creates wild visions and ventures with unconventional dreamers and doers.

Get a copy of her book:

On Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Welcome-Creative-Club-Biggest-Project/dp/B0DPJ8L4NM/ref=sr_1_1

On Bookshop.org: https://bookshop.org/p/books/welcome-to-the-creative-club-make-life-your-biggest-art-project-pia-mailhot-leichter/22087658

And the audiobook: https://www.audible.com/pd/Welcome-to-the-Creative-Club-Audiobook/B0F6VZCWT4

Connect on social:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/pialeichter/

https://www.instagram.com/pia.leichter/

https://substack.com/@pialeichter

More about her work:

https://kollektiv.studio/

Book a chemistry call: https://calendly.com/kollektivstudio/coaching-exploration-call

Connect through weekly field notes: https://kollektiv.studio/newsletter

I currently feel like an arthritic porn star who made a name for herself deep-throating cheese graters. In other words, I’m in pain—and I think it’s probably a good time to talk about my experience while I’m in this state.

Because, honestly, most days lately, I’m walking around in a kind of bliss. My day-to-day life feels indistinguishable from what some might call Heaven.

And I genuinely believe that the idea of Heaven can only be this reality. Not something elsewhere, but right here. And to the extent that we open our eyes—and our hearts—to that possibility, we begin to live it. We live as it.

And yet, here I am—simultaneously having this very real experience of flu symptoms and body aches. Sensations that are unmistakably horrible.

So how can I justify saying this is still perfection? How can I continue to feel like there's really nothing wrong?

The truth is... I’m not sure I fully can.

In this session, I narrate (in real time) the process I go through when I feel flooded with anxiety, and decide to give it my full attention. At first, I struggle to locate anxiety in my body - but with time, unpleasant sensations become clearer. I'm able to work with my emotional bind, even just a little bit. Along the way, I realize just how fucked up my situation is - probably beyond any kind of lasting resolution. And at the same time, I discover a sense of that being totally fine, even in its fuckedness.

Leading into the new year, I experienced what felt like an uninterrupted depression for about 6 months. To date, this had been the darkest period of my life. But in some way which remains mysterious, it felt deeply necessary. And now, on the other side of it, I seem to be experiencing a level of childlike freedom I haven't known since childhood.