Trump posts an AI image of himself perp-walking a chained alien — one cuff, no caption, total chaos — while the New York Post tries to convince subway riders that four alien species have been pulled from crashed UFOs (the source: an 89-year-old who didn't see anything but believes the people who told him). The Epstein "suicide note" finally turns up, Rob runs through every unanswered question that note doesn't fix, and FBI Director Cash Patel apparently went snorkeling at Pearl Harbor — the scandal nobody will take credit for.

Plus: Trump's $750M in stock trades and the conflicts of interest behind them, the Cars for Kids charity that wasn't funding the kids, the COVID origins hearing where senators openly admit there's no way to hold the intelligence agencies accountable, and a pitch for "Denters" — the dent-friendly car brand.

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The Hantavirus is back, the alien files just dropped, and questioning the Iran war is officially treasonous. Rob runs through the simplest solution to two world problems at once (military industrial complex + vermin), explains why the most transparent administration in history can't stop telling you its real-time thoughts, breaks down Trump's "nobody respects you without a nuke" foreign policy doctrine, watches Netanyahu try to "wean Israel off" U.S. aid live on 60 Minutes, and gets to the AI throuple ad targeting Thomas Massey. Plus porches, plenty of porches.

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Day 60 of Operation Epic Fury — except it's not called that anymore. Or a war. Or active kinetic bombing. We track every name the administration has given this thing depending on who's asking and what court they're standing in. Trump tells Congress the ceasefire stopped the War Powers Act clock, calls the seized Iranian oil tanker situation "a very profitable business," and compares the U.S. Navy to pirates. We do the actual math on that profitable business — spoiler: $6 billion in denied Iranian revenue vs. $25-58 billion in U.S. costs, 13 dead service members, gas at $4.39, and Spirit Airlines becoming the first U.S. casualty airline. Plus: Project Freedom paused after less than 24 hours, the Dark Eagle hypersonic gets called up at $15 million per missile, Iran says peace talks need a Lebanon ceasefire (good luck), Israel "didn't know" a deal was close and has "a series of targets ready," Powell refuses to leave the Fed board, Republicans want $1 billion in taxpayer money for Trump's privately-funded ballroom, and Howard "Lord of Commerce" Lutnick can't recall why his family lunched on Epstein's island.

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Paywalled: a JPMorgan banker's threesome lawsuit, Bryan Johnson rates his girlfriend's V microbiome, dating apps by credit score, and the Sarajevo human safari book.