This episode was recorded March 26th, 2023. Like so many of the of these earlier episodes while Sharon was dealing with her medical challenges, at this time, as yet unknown, I’m posting the episode out of order.

Sharon and I listened to it together tonight and decided it needed to go out now.

There’s no “rational” or “logical” reason. Not really.

It just felt like something that we needed to do.

Around the four-minute mark I talk about November 2nd, 1994. My suicide attempt. And what it means to have gone from that night to a Sunday morning in March 2023 where I can say — I didn't know you could feel this light. This whole. This free. This “unencumbered.”

I genuinely didn't know that such things existed for someone like me.

And then I cry.

On the recording.

I'm fucking leaving it in.

I’m leaving it in not because I want your sympathy.

Not because I'm “performing” some bullshit vulnerability schtick. But because the person who needed this episode is the one who has spent years telling himself that wanting to feel okay, and loved, and wanted, and cherished was some weak-ass, fucked-up shit that only “other” people did.

That needing something to change means something was wrong with me.

That feeling and believing myself to be broken was all that I was ever going to know. Or be.

It wasn’t.

It isn't.

I know that because I lived that life for a very long time.

And I know what it costs.

And I know what's on the other side of it.

You're not broken.

You may not believe that right now.

And that's okay; you don't have to believe it yet.

Just listen.

And decide for yourself.

It's 10:40pm on a Saturday in March 2023. I don't usually record this late. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to say. Two guests at the day job today.

The first one had a situation that was straightforward to fix but she'd already run every worst-case scenario in her head before I got there. The second one had a situation that was genuinely more complicated and her attitude was essentially — it's just a thing, I'm not letting it ruin my day.

Same world.

Completely different relationship to it.

The second one said something that stopped me. Her friends worry about her when she doesn't answer the phone. She said whatever they're thinking is none of her business. She's living her life. That's it. That's the whole thing right there.

My brain goes way the fuck over there sometimes — squirrel nuts just hanging out — and then eventually I bring it home. That's what this podcast is. That's what this episode is. How good could it be if you stopped catastrophizing what's in front of you and gave your attention to what you actually want instead?

Doesn't mean that I want squirrel nuts, but when you see them, it's hard to forget.

And those are the moments that we so often miss until a "later" time...

I'm going to go curl up next to my wife now.

I didn't sleep well last night. Don't know why. Maybe the cereal I ate too late. I just know I didn't sleep well and today I've been a little off.

I came to the microphone anyway because that's the commitment — not to show up only when I've got the right energy and the right affect and something positive to say. That would be disingenuous. I haven't reached a level of spiritual consistency where I don't have days like this and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

Here's what I wanted to say today. A reset doesn't require sleep. It doesn't require a new day. It's available in any breath, any moment, so long as you're alive.

And the moments where you're tired, scratchy, a little off balance — you don't have to root around trying to find the reason. You don't have to suppress it or pretend it isn't happening. You just get to acknowledge it, sit in it briefly, and breathe into the next moment.

This too shall pass. My grandmother said that. She was right.