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The Sheep Podcast

The Sheep Podcast

Written by: Andrew Bolton
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 Get news in a fun satirical format that doesn’t push a narrative. . . unless it’s funny.Copyright 2020 All rights reserved. Politics & Government
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  • Ep. 242- The Pen Is Not Mightier Than The Sword

    Ep. 242- The Pen Is Not Mightier Than The Sword
    Sep 2 2022
    Monkey hunters accidentally shoot tranquilizer into woman who reported rogue ape   They missed the target by a few million years of evolution. A monkey hunting mission backfired spectacularly after a bumbling gunman accidentally shot a woman with a tranquilizer dart — knocking her out for an hour. The comedy of errors was set in motion after reports surfaced of a Japanese macaque — also known as a snow monkey — lurking near Fujikawa Station in Fuji City, Shizuoka Prefecture, SoraNews24 reported. In response, the city hall dispatched three municipal employees and one simian-hunting specialist equipped with tranquilizer rifles to apprehend the rogue ape. Unfortunately, their monkey hunting mission turned catastrophic after one of the gunmen accidentally shot a woman they were interviewing about the fugitive primate. Reports state that the hunters were taping their rifles to avoid air escaping, whereupon one of the bozos accidentally discharged their weapon. As a result, the hapless woman was struck in the arm with a dart — which was reportedly packed with enough sedative to subdue a 33-pound money — putting her out like a light. Following the ludicrous misfire, the victim was rushed to the hospital, where she awoke an hour later, Sora reported. However, it took another full hour before the patient was lucid enough to speak coherently. The Fuji government has since apologized to the woman and has pledged an investigation and policy review to avoid another such disaster. Unfortunately — albeit perhaps unsurprisingly — the problem macaque remains at large.     Philly EMT Kevin Pressley charged with exposing and photographing ‘semi-conscious’ woman’s breasts   Pennsylvania police announced on Monday that an EMT is facing charges after allegedly exposing a “semi-conscious” woman under his care in the back of an ambulance and snapping photos of her breasts.  Kevin Hakeem Pressley, 24, of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, was taken into custody on Saturday and is charged with indecent assault, invasion of privacy and related charges.  The Brookhaven Borough Police Department said it initiated an investigation Friday into an alleged assault that occurred the day prior.  The victim reported that she was being treated at a medical facility in Brookhaven when she became “semi-conscious.” An ambulance arrived, and during transport, Pressley — while caring for the victim in the back of the ambulance — reportedly exposed the woman’s breasts and took photos of her while she was in a “semi-conscious state.” Pressley was employed as an EMT by the Brookhavan Fire Company Ambulance at the time of the alleged incident. He has since been arraigned, and his bail is set at $100,000 cash.      Indian teen dies after being set on fire by alleged stalker she rejected   A teenage girl in India has died after she was set on fire by an alleged stalker — who became irate when she rejected his marriage proposal. Ankita Singh, 19, was asleep in her bed near an open window around 4 a.m. August 23 when a man doused her body in gasoline and tossed a lit match, the BBC Hindi reported. Singh was rushed to the hospital with severe burns but died Sunday as a result of the heinous attack. Before she died from her injuries, Singh identified the man as Shahrukh Hussain, telling authorities he had been following her and harassing her, the outlet said. The teen described how Hussain called her about 8 p.m. the night before and “told me that he would kill me if I did not talk to him.”   “I informed my father about the threat after which he assured me that he would talk to the man’s family on Tuesday,” she told cops, according to the Mirror. She then described waking up to “a sensation of pain on my back” and “could smell something burning.” “I found [Hussain] running away when I opened my eyes,” she told authorities. Two videos of Singh in the hospital have since gone viral online, causing uproar in India. She suffered burns to 45% of her body. The teen’s father, Sanjeev Singh, confirmed that Hussain lived in their neighborhood. He said the man’s unwanted attention sometimes forced his daughter to miss school. “Shahrukh used to tell her— ‘Marry me, accept Islam, else I will make your life hell,’ ” he told Swarajya magazine. “He kept on forcing my daughter to marry and convert for months. He was a one-sided lover, a stalker.” Police arrested Hussain and an accomplice last week. Both men are reportedly facing murder charges.  Singh’s death sparked outrage across Hindu-majority Jharkhand.  Amber Lakra, the police superintendent of Dumka, told the BBC that while the crime is not considered religious in nature, “[police] are being especially vigilant as the boy and girl belong to different religions.” In the days following Singh’s death, several politicians took to social media to express their disgust at Hussain’s actions. “After the crafty meted ...
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    1 hr and 31 mins
  • Ep. 241- Fight Inflight

    Ep. 241- Fight Inflight
    Aug 29 2022
    Florida man arrested for trying to buy 8-year-old girl for $100,000   A Florida sex offender was arrested after he allegedly tried to “purchase” an 8-year-old girl for $100,000 at a grocery store, police said. Hellmuth Kolb, 85, approached the child’s mom at a Winn Dixie in Port Orange Thursday and made the indecent proposal, according to the Port Orange Police Department. Kolb was on probation and was banned from having contact with children after trying to buy a different child in Walmart in 2018, according to WESH-TV. Lauren Benning told the station she thought Kolb was just a lonely old man when he approached her and her daughter. “He just came up and he started making comments about how pretty she was and how good her dancing was and how he could never have children and he wanted children,” Benning reportedly said. But the interaction soon took a dark turn, Benning told the station. “Approached me in the parking lot. Actually chased me down in the parking lot and said ‘hey, I want to make a deal with you.’ I’d like to buy her for $100,000. I was in complete shock.” “He needs to be locked up and not allowed to be around our children,” she reportedly said.     Florida man arrested for calling sex worker on his honeymoon   A Florida man was arrested on his honeymoon after he answered an ad for a prostitute, according to a local report. Paul Turovsky, 34, left his new bride sleeping in their hotel room in Tampa and went out to meet a prostitute he had connected with online, authorities said. When the self-employed businessman arrived at the Hyatt Hotel, he was placed in handcuffs, caught up in a sting operation by local police to crackdown on sex trafficking. “The only question here was, as a wedding guest, was it too late to get the gifts that they gave returned back to them,” said Hillsborough County Sheriff Chad Chronister, adding that Turovsky was one of 176 men arrested in the sting operation.     A Catholic charity hired a man to simulate a mass shooting at their building, complete with actors covered in blood. The drill ended with his arrest.   A Nebraska man hired by a local charity to simulate a mass shooting has been charged with making terroristic threats. The Omaha World-Herald reported that John Channels was advised by Catholic Charities, an organization with branches across the US, to make the drill realistic — which he did, complete with paid actors covered in blood. Unfortunately, the simulation caused chaos among employees who thought the shooting was real. The news outlet reported that bloodied actors laid in hallways throughout the office building. One employee told the World-Herald she heard shots behind her and jumped off a retaining wall to try and hide in a dumpster. The incident, which occurred on May 19, 2022, began with Channels firing at a conference room window of the office building in which employees happened to be gathered, according to the news outlet. One elderly employee told police she thought she was going to die. "This is it," she told the World-Herald. Channels' lawyer, Erin Wetzel, told the publication that Catholic Charities requested the 27-year-old conduct the drill in that specific manner. "It's important to note that several of (the directors) went along with it, and while it was happening, they were not informing employees of what was going on, even as they were asking," Wetzel said. Omaha Catholic Charities' executive director, Denise Bartels, said in a statement that the group hired Channels "based upon recommendations from respected sources, and he clearly misrepresented himself and his qualifications." Channels' LinkedIn page states he's a police officer for the Offutt Air Force Base in Nebraska and that he's also the CEO of a security firm called Exousia Protection Agency. Neither organization responded to Insider's requests for comment. The Daily Beast reported law enforcement said they weren't alerted to the drill and responded as if it were an active crime scene. Don Kleine, the attorney for Douglas County told the news outlet that "police came, they didn't know this was happening. They thought it was a real active shooter. There were people calling 911." Local news station KMTV reported that Channels identified himself to police as an Offutt Civilian Police Officer. On Tuesday, Channels was arrested and charged with five counts of making terroristic threats and one weapons count, according to the World-Herald. This isn't Channels' only run-in with the law. In May, he was arrested and charged with three felonies which included first-degree sexual assault of a child, visual depiction of sexually explicit conduct of a child, and attempted intentional child abuse. It's unclear if the charity knew of his prior charges. Catholic Charities, Erin Wetzel, the Douglas County Attorney's Office, and the Omaha police department did not immediately respond to Insider's request for comment.         Australian soccer club ...
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    1 hr and 7 mins
  • Ep. 240-Avert Your Eyes

    Ep. 240-Avert Your Eyes
    Aug 26 2022
    Nightclub bans ‘staring’ without ‘verbal consent’ in new ‘woke’ policy   The days of checking someone out at a club are over. An Australia nightclub said it will remove people who are caught staring at someone without that person’s consent. Club 77 in Sydney included unwanted attention from strangers in its updated “zero-tolerance policy” on harassment. The venue posted the woke update on its Instagram account, saying the club is “not a place to come to if your sole purpose is to ‘pick up.’ ” “As a nightclub, we encourage you to interact with strangers, however any engagement MUST begin with verbal consent,” the statement read. “This also applies if you are, for example, staring at someone from afar.” The club has hired designated “safety officers” — who will be wearing a pink hi-visibility vest — to handle complaints and concerns. “If we receive reports of any behavior that has made someone feel uncomfortable, the reported individual will be removed from the venue and the police will be called,” the statement said. Club 77 said in the statement it will “encourage feedback” — which patrons were quick to provide, with comments including “RIP to social interaction” and “not allowed to look at people now.”       Florida man on trial for attempting to murder, rape ex-wife axes lawyers and cross-examines her A Florida man on trial for attempted murder abruptly axed his lawyers Wednesday so he could personally cross-examine the alleged victim — his ex-wife. Trevor Summers, 45, is accused of sneaking into the home of his then estranged spouse, Alisa Mathewson, in March 2017 to carry out a murder-suicide plot. Prosecutors said Summers hogtied Mathewson — the mother of his five kids — with Christmas lights and raped her during the two-day ordeal. The victim appeared badly shaken Wednesday after realizing that her tormentor was set to interrogate her at his leisure. “Good morning, Ms. Mathewson,” Summers said, as his ex-wife teared up and looked away without a response. The defendant quizzed her about their sex life before prosecutors objected — and challenged the claim that he had raped her after entering her residence through a window. “You broke into my home in the middle of the night… attacked me and tied me up,” Mathewson said after one of his questions. “Yes, you threatened me to have sex with you. You raped me!” “So you’re calling it rape?” Summers responded. “It is!” Mathewson said. “That is the definition of rape. To come into someone’s home and attack them and tie them up and then have sex with them! That is the definition of rape!” According to prosecutors, Summers later left the home and drove with Mathewson in search of a secluded marina where he planned to charter a boat, kill her, and then himself. But the captive seized an opportunity to flee when Summers stopped at a Walmart. Mathewson sneaked out of the car and ran around the parking lot while screaming for help. An employee called police after spotting Summers frantically shoving her back in the car and speeding off, prosecutors said. Mathewson testified Monday that Summers drove her to a secluded area and slashed her wrist to punish her for the escape try. The saga finally concluded with Summers cutting his neck and attempting to strangle Mathewson with a rope before officers arrived at the scene and placed him in custody.     Italian man tests positive for COVID-19, monkeypox and HIV all on the same day   An Italian man has become the first in the world to test positive for COVID-19, monkeypox and HIV all on the same day. The unidentified 36-year-old first developed a fever, sore throat and headaches nine days after returning from a trip to Spain where he had unprotected sex with other men, according to a case study in the Journal of Infection. He first tested positive for COVID-19 on July 2 — then within hours started getting a rash and “small, painful” blisters around his body, legs, face and butt, the study said. He went to an ER, and on the second day there again tested positive for COVID-19 — as well as monkeypox. That same day, July 6, he also learned that he had HIV, despite being negative when he last tested, in September, the study said. “As this is the only reported case of monkeypox virus, SARS-CoV-2 and HIV co-infection, there is still not enough evidence supporting that this combination may aggravate [a] patient’s condition,” they wrote. The researchers said that the “case emphasizes that sexual intercourse could be the predominant way of transmission” of monkeypox. “Therefore, complete [sexually transmitted infection] screening is recommended after a diagnosis of monkeypox. “In fact, our patient tested positive for HIV-1 and, given his preserved CD4 count, we could assume that the infection was relatively recent,” they noted of the patient, who previously also had syphilis. While it is the first known...
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    1 hr and 14 mins
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