SEASON 2, EPISODE 8: AM I DELUSIONAL ABOUT STAYING IN ACADEMIA?

This episode is about me trying to navigate the end of my postdoc.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in September 2014, when I had 4 months left on my extension to my contract. Believe it or not, I was still trying to salvage my academic career, despite it basically being impossible at this stage.

I reflect on how the delay between applying for a grant and getting the grant awarded made it impossible for me to salvage my academic career and what actually happens to your research when you leave academia.

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[03:23] Journal entry

[08:07] Trying to salvage my academic career against impossible timescales

[10:50] The postdoc was really a period of training, although I didn’t realize it at the time

[11:52] What happens to your research when you leave academia?

[14:09] Outro

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 7: SHOULD I STAY IN ACADEMIA?

This episode is about me trying to figure out how I can stay in academia. This journal entry reminded me that I actually tried really hard to stay and, today, I actually feel good knowing I tried my best.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in July 2014. This was just after the annual “Barn Seminar”, an annual tradition my boss used to host at his house. Leaving academia was not a straightforward decision. There was a lot of back and forth. In this entry, I was genuinely trying to figure out how to stay

I reflect on victim mentality, how I really didn’t want to apply for a grant, how being stuck in academia is like being stuck in a bad relationship, conflict between your gut feeling and your actions, the classic chicken and egg problem of needing a grant for research and needing research for a grant, a need for longer-term security, and how I feel about how hard I tried to stay in academia.

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[03:10] Journal entry

[08:36] I wasn’t allowed to work for more than 2 years

[09:44] Victim mentality

[12:47] I didn’t want to apply for a grant

[14:40] Being stuck in academia is like being stuck in a bad relationship

[15:29] Conflict between your gut and your actions

[16:35] Chicken and egg problem with staying in academia

[17:38] Is a need for a long-term plan linked to age?

[18:42] I’m surprised I was trying to hard to stay in academia

[19:52] Outro

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 6: GUT FEELINGS

This episode is about using your intuition to figure out what you want. Sometimes, what you want is in conflict with the demands of the environment around you.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in June 2014. I was coming to the end of the 5 month extension of my contract and I was trying to make decisions about my long-term future in academia…and whether I should stay in Germany as an expat.

I reflect on what happens when your intuition/gut feeling tells you one thing but the world around you pushes you a different way, why I wanted to keep living in Germany as an expat and why that was the right decision, realising I didn’t have original research ideas, and how I wish leaving academia would be normalized in academia…because it IS the norm!

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[02:50] Journal entry

[08:18] Wanting to stay still when things around you are forcing you to move forward

[09:41] Gut feelings that tell you that you are living inauthentically

[11:10] Why I wanted to stay living in Germany as an expat

[13:51] I realised I didn’t have original research ideas of my own

[15:33] Weaknesses in one context can be strengths in another context

[16:44] I wish there was more support for me to leave academia without it feeling like a failure

[19:53] The culture in academia about leaving academia needs to change

[20:33] Outro

For more information about the podcast, please visit https://a-postdocs-journal.captivate.fm/

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 5: ASKING FOR TIME OFF

This episode is about taking time off from work. I examine why I used to feel quite uncomfortable asking for time off while I was a postdoc and why I feel much more comfortable with it today.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in June 2014. There was a moment of calm at work, so I was thinking about taking some holidays. This is the shortest journal entry I’ve ever done, so I was surprised about how much material I was able to mine out of this one.

I reflect on how my precarious contract situations left me confused about how much time off I actually had, how fixed-term contracts pressure you into not taking time off, how awkward I felt about asking for time off, the habits I had around taking holidays, and how loneliness can play into not taking time off. In addition, I talk about how I feel about these topics today and I reflect on how I feel a lot better about taking time off these days.

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[03:36] Journal entry

[05:55] Precarious contract situation left me confused about how much time off I had

[07:13] Fixed-term contracts meant I had limited time to actually achieve my goals

[08:36] Feeling ashamed and insecure about asking for time off

[09:13] Not taking time off as a way to prove how hard I was working

[10:39] I never learned how to take time off and go on holiday

[11:56] Loneliness made it hard to take time off

[13:06] Today, I have a much better attitude toward taking time off

[14:04] But there were still challenges to taking time off

[15:47] Making myself suffer isn’t the best way to show loyalty

[16:16] I learned how to take time off and go on holiday

[17:39] I had too much unused holiday before I left academia

[18:26] Do I regret not taking more time off during my postdoc?

[20:32] Outro

For more information about the podcast, please visit https://a-postdocs-journal.captivate.fm/

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 4: DEPRESSION

This episode is my experience of depression. It is not as dramatic or as extreme as other accounts of depression you may have heard, but I think “moderate” depression doesn’t get enough attention.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in June 2014. I was hiding in the basement at work in the middle of the day, trying to figure out if I was depressed.

I reflect on that empty/numb feeling I got after submitting a paper, knowing academia wasn’t for me, whether seeking solitude is a good thing or not, the definition of “enough”, how “noisy” my experience of depression is, the importance of communication skills, the cyclical nature of depression, and my analytical approach.

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[04:00] Journal entry

[10:04] Submitting a paper just made me feel empty and numb

[12:00] I knew academia wasn’t for me

[13:37] Seeking solitude

[15:57] Trying hard, but being told that it is not good enough

[19:40] My experience of depression is noisy!

[21:02] I didn’t have the communication skills to talk to anyone about my feelings

[22:24] Depression is like a cycle

[23:58] My analytical approach

[26:24] Outro

For more information about the podcast, please visit https://a-postdocs-journal.captivate.fm/

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 3: ACCEPTANCE

This episode is about accepting the negative beliefs you have about yourself. By revisiting this journal entry, I realised that I still experience the same negative thoughts today that I wrote about in the journal entry over 10 years ago, even though I am not in academia anymore. I came to the conclusion that academia was only part of the problem—the other part being fundamental beliefs deeper inside me.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in April 2014. I was well into the 3rd year of my post doc at this point. I was in Amsterdam airport, on my way back to the UK for a conference.

I reflect on how much I used to love going to conferences as a PhD student; the value of conferences and community; dealing with negative beliefs like “I’m not good enough” through acceptance, avoidance, and/or overcompensation; having the same negative thoughts today, even though I left academia (maybe academia was never the problem???); developing my own philosophy about work; recording the good times; and rising tensions with my boss.

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[02:55] Journal entry

[07:44] First conference I attended as a postdoc

[08:33] Getting further away from a sense of community

[09:29] Acceptance, avoidance, and overcompensation

[12:17] Reframing the narrative for “healthy” acceptance

[12:59] I still have the same negative self-beliefs about myself today

[14:32] Developing my own philosophy on what was important to me

[15:44] It’s good to take the time to record the positive moments

[16:10] Things were getting tense with my boss

[16:38] Outro

For more information about the podcast, please visit https://a-postdocs-journal.captivate.fm/

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 2: COLLABORATION

This episode is about how uncomfortable I used to feel about collaboration during my postdoc and how I started to lose the joy in things I used to love. I was lonely, but all I wanted was to be alone. With hindsight, I now know that these were the early signs of me falling into depression.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in March 2014. This was the first journal entry into my 3rd year of my postdoc. I was still struggling to make progress on papers and I needed help.

I reflect on collaboration in academia, perfectionism, receiving help, not knowing what the rules were around conferences as a postdoc, and the early signs of depression (losing passion for things I normally loved doing) and social anxiety (being lonely, but always wanting to be alone).

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[02:43] Journal entry

[06:21] Collaboration in academia

[07:54] Being ashamed about receiving help

[08:50] Underestimating your own contribution

[09:05] Navigating conferences

[11:22] Losing passion for things I normally love to do

[12:58] Being lonely, but just wanting to be alone

[13:33] Outro

For more information about the podcast, please visit https://a-postdocs-journal.captivate.fm/

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SEASON 2, EPISODE 1: TAKING BREAK MIGHT NOT BE THE ANSWER

This episode is about returning to a stressful situation after taking a break. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to fall back into the thought patterns and behaviours from before you left. A holiday is not always the answer.

I revisit a journal entry I wrote in January 2014. This was the first journal entry of the year, just at the end of my initial 2 year postdoc contract. Within a week of returning to Germany after a Christmas break in the UK, I received an email that made me feel like a total failure.

I reflect on the academic value system (again!), how we outsource our opinion of ourselves to others, defining your own success, the need men have to be of value, the need to be good at everything in academia, how to take advice, and how weakness can be strengths in a different context.

Timestamps:

[00:00] Intro

[02:51] Journal entry

[05:41] Returning to an unhappy situation after a break

[07:16] A reminder about the academic value system

[09:26] Outsourcing our opinions of ourselves to other people

[10:30] Defining your own success

[11:14] Masculinity and the need to be valuable

[12:16] Impostor syndrome is still there

[13:15] The need to be good at everything

[15:10] How to take advice

[16:37] Weaknesses are just strengths in a different context

[18:19] Outro

For more information about the podcast, please visit https://a-postdocs-journal.captivate.fm/

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