May means many things to many people. In California, USA, it is Cheese Month! Here in the US and some other countries, it brings Mother's Day. For those with histories of trauma and neglect, Mother's Day may be a day of bittersweet or even only bitter memories. My husband an I are not parents and both of our mother's are long passed, so it is a regular Sunday. But admittedly I cannot think of May without remembering the fateful day of May 25, 2020 when George Floyd was murdered by police in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I think of him throughout the year.

Recently I heard an announcement about a designated "Martyr's Day", scheduled for July to commemorate the many lives lost in the long and enduring fight for Civil Rights. I also learned that there was a Martyr's Day declared on January 30 to memorialize the date of Mahatma Gandhi's assassination in 1948.

This year on May 8th we will observe Martyr's Day in our house. All those visible and invisible who made great personal sacrifices of one kind or another in the service of a better world.

Giving and receiving are delicate matters for survivors of neglect trauma. Many, if not most, are much more comfortable on the giving side of the equation - up to a point. Equation is an apt word here, because often, there is some sort of conscious or unconscious calculus of what the gift is “worth,” what it merits or warrants in return, or what it means.

It is especially tricky when it comes to gifts to or from the therapist. There is a wide range of philosophical, theoretical and ethical standpoints on this, and a world of varying experiences.

In this week’s video we dip in to that deep subject.

In this week’s video we make a short foray into one aspect of repair that is elusive and potentially harmful. When I say short, I mean that we could discuss it for many hours, and it spills into a subject that is very powerful and dear to my heart, the delicate task of forgiveness, which I have a whole book in me about!

So this is a passing glance at best, from the standpoint of “confronting of perpetrators and those who have hurt us." It is controversial at best, but again my attempt to learn from experience, and share what I have learned the hard way.

Also a shout out for my dear friend and brilliant colleague Janina Fisher's upcoming live Q&A.

You can register at https://therapywisdom.com/ask-me-anyt... to join live or to ensure you receive the limited-time replay if you aren't able to make it to the live Q&A.

This week I am delighted to welcome special guest Prentis Hemphill. I have seen Prentis, perhaps from afar for a number of years. They seemed to embody so many of the values I hold most dear: healing, social justice, somatics, non-binary gender and sexualities, and "walking the walk."

Of course in my neglect survivor way, I was perhaps intimidated by someone this awesome. However I later discovered, you can add humility to the list. They are delightfully approachable.

What did it was reading their book, What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World. When I read the chapter where Prentis welcomes their daughter, I knew I had to approach them, to talk about that with all of you. It is an honor to welcome them!

This week’s video is a triple celebration, we celebrate International Women’s Month and a universe of precious women; we celebrate Janina Fisher, an exemplary woman (and I can celebrate twenty years of knowing and then friendship with her); and another celebration for Janina’s book launch: Embracing our Fragmented Selves. Three cheers as we welcome our special guest!!

Janina's new book can be purchased here: https://www.amazon.com/Embracing-Our-Fragmented-Selves-Therapists/dp/1683738918

Janina's website: https://janinafisher.com/

A few years ago, I read a then new novel called Klara and the Sun, by Kazuo Ishiguro. I have found Ishiguro’s work interesting and provocative. Although I have never been fond of science fiction or fantasy, something about how he incorporates other worlds with existential themes, has been compelling to me. And does not gnaw against questions of credibility. This book, about human-like dolls and their relationships with each other and with humans, I found fascinating. Of course, relationship in general can be engaging and interesting. At the time, (2021) I had no idea what was coming.

Living in the San Francisco Bay Area in the USA, I am in the heartland of technology and AI. Artificial Intelligence is of course the big buzz now. I resisted it for a while, especially as I saw the proliferation of what I call “ghost cars,” the self-driving electric vehicles speeding driverless seemingly everywhere. They give me the creeps, although a number of my neglect clients actually use them and like them as they prefer not having to interact with a live human driver.

However, as a writer, I have found that AI can be handy, for finding citations, or formatting footnotes, or asking a quick logistical question, like” is this a postal holiday?” I would not dream of asking ChatGPT to write something for me. I am way too vain for that! Admittedly I have a hard time not saying please and thank you to the bot. It is so friendly and seemingly generous with me. I also began to hear stories from clients, interacting with it rather like friends or “counsel” on matters that they might not want to bother me or another human with. I don’t mind that, as long as it does not become a simple and painless substitute for the hard work of relationship, which is of course the nemesis of neglect survivors.

I have become concerned, that the chatbot can become an easy bypass for authentic relationships with human and non-human living beings. Although I have not investigated yet, I know that every new technology ever, has become a market -place for sexual relationship. I shudder to think about where AI will go with sex, if it has not already. Anyway, it seemed like a good time to review the Dilemma Without Solution, the heart of neglect trauma.

At the core of neglect trauma is loss. Even loss of what was perhaps never there in the first place, but should have been. This week we will talk about two topics that rarely get spoken of: one's intimate sexual life, and aging. We will touch on both of these often secret or uncertain worlds, that way too often are navigated alone, or with a measure of shame.

On the subject of aging and shame, when you watch the video you will see I have not one but two senior moments! Where my mind goes blank! Here is everything I could not remember!

The 6 Principles: Consent, Non-exploitation, Honesty, Shared Values, Protection from Sexually-Transmitted Infections, Pleasure.

My Golden Rule: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, who what good am I? If not now, when? Now go and study!

Sallie Foley's Book: Sex & Love for Grownups: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion.

Hope Will Not Be Cancelled

Healing from trauma and neglect can feel endless, and in a way it really is. Not infrequently, and even after all these years, I am humbly reminded: “Oh there it is again.” The experience of time standing still, emptiness, is a signature of the neglect experience. In a universe of nothing, nothing changes, which is why waiting and boredom are so excruciating and unbearable to survivors of neglect. It feels like deadness. There is no future.

The state of the world is so bleak these days. Here it is, a new year. I wondered what can I talk with you about today? I remembered back in the early Pandemic days, it seemed as if time stood still. It was unreal. Solitary confinement is an internationally recognized form of torture and we were all virtually in it. It seems like a distant dream now. It did pass. And so will this.

During COVID, things were getting cancelled right and left. I remember coming across the slogan Hope Will Not Be Cancelled. It was heartening to me, and I made a sticker of that slogan and pasted it all over everything. I figured that would be our topic for today. Please be sure to listen to the song today. It really says it better than anything I could. And let’s stay connected and keep hope alive.