Episodes

  • 458: How to Have Hard Conversations

    458: How to Have Hard Conversations
    Jan 26 2026
    Colette Jane Fehr a marriage counselor, EMDR therapist, and author of "The Cost of Quiet." With over two decades of experience helping individuals and couples navigate relationship challenges, Colette specializes in teaching people how to communicate vulnerably and assertively in their most important relationships. Episode Overview In this powerful conversation, Dr. Debi Silber sits down with therapist and author Colette Fehr to explore why speaking up in relationships is essential for healing, growth, and genuine connection—especially after betrayal. Colette shares her personal journey from childhood trauma to relationship betrayal, and how these experiences shaped her understanding of healthy communication and the devastating cost of staying quiet. Key Topics Discussed The Origins of Conflict Avoidance How childhood experiences with parental conflict shape our relationship patterns The difference between destructive conflict (screaming, fighting) and constructive conflict (honest, vulnerable communication) Why some people mistake silence and "keeping the peace" for relationship health The concept of parentification and how it impacts adult relationships Understanding "The Cost of Quiet" Quiet as a euphemism for conflict avoidance Different forms of conflict avoidance that people don't recognize: Self-silencing and sweeping things under the rug Criticism disguised as "expressing feelings" Bickering about surface issues instead of deeper needs Why avoiding vulnerability doesn't actually protect you from pain The Four Bad Communication Report Card Responses (The Four D's and an F) Dismissiveness - "It's no big deal, why are you so upset?" Defensiveness - Getting reactive instead of receptive Distancing - Shutting down, stonewalling, pulling away Fixing - Problem-solving instead of listening and connecting Vulnerability as Strength Why vulnerability is actually the strongest choice you can make How to build the courage to be vulnerable after betrayal Connecting with your inner child before difficult conversations The only way through fear is action—building the vulnerability muscle Self-Connected Communication The importance of I-statements over you-statements Connecting to deeper emotional needs beyond surface complaints Speaking from your "core sage self" (wise, loving adult) rather than reactive parts The distinction between being nice (self-abandoning) and being kind (self-honoring) When to Speak Up Why waiting longer than 24 hours allows resentment to grow Common excuses that keep us from addressing issues (wrong time, they're tired, etc.) Most conversations don't need to be long—short, clear, vulnerable statements work best You can't control your partner's response, but you can control showing up for yourself Building the Assertiveness Muscle Why successful women often struggle with assertiveness in intimate relationships Starting small with low-stakes vulnerable moments The confidence boost that comes from speaking your truth How assertiveness differs from aggressiveness The Meta-Conversation Strategy When your partner repeatedly responds poorly to vulnerability: "I notice that I try to bring up things and share my feelings. I'm taking great effort to say things in a way that's tactful and diplomatic, but honest, and it seems like when I do, I get a defensive or dismissive response. I don't really know where to go from here. Have you noticed that? What's going on with you? Are you willing to work on this with me?" Signs It's Working Reduction in fear when bringing up difficult topics Growing confidence in expressing yourself Your partner responding with openness rather than defensiveness Feeling closer and more connected after vulnerable conversations Even if they don't respond well—you're getting information faster and can make empowered choices After Betrayal: Special Considerations Why vulnerability feels especially terrifying after intimate partner betrayal The connection to Stage 3 of the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (doing the same thing expecting different results) How moving into Stages 4 and 5 requires having uncomfortable conversations Being vulnerable doesn't guarantee you won't get hurt, but not being vulnerable guarantees disconnection
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    32 mins
  • 457: Worthiness and Self-Compassion After Betrayal

    457: Worthiness and Self-Compassion After Betrayal
    Jan 19 2026
    In this episode, Dr. Debi explores two fundamental aspects of healing from betrayal that don't get enough attention: worthiness and self-compassion. She reveals how early conditioning shapes our sense of worth, how betrayal amplifies these wounds, and why the shattering experience of betrayal offers a profound opportunity to rebuild yourself intentionally. Key Topics Covered The Roots of Unworthiness How worthiness issues often start in early childhood The ways institutions, religion, and caregivers may have taught you to "earn" your worth Why some people had a vested interest in keeping you feeling unworthy How these early beliefs follow us into adulthood unquestioned When Betrayal Meets Unworthiness Why betrayal can feel like confirmation of unworthiness The dangerous cycle: tolerating what shouldn't be tolerated, accepting what shouldn't be accepted How feeling unworthy can set up conditions for future betrayals The missed opportunity when we don't question who we were and who we're ready to become The Intuition Factor Why we sometimes turn down our intuition before betrayal happens The fear of "pulling the thread" that might unravel everything How questioning one thing means questioning your entire life setup Understanding why this is so difficult (and not your fault) The Beauty in the Shattering Why betrayal's complete destruction is actually an opportunity How to intentionally rebuild rather than just return to who you were The power of questioning decades-old beliefs as an adult Dismantling beliefs that no longer serve you The Self-Compassion Struggle Dr. Debi's personal story: tying worth to productivity and achievement The belief that "if you're having fun, you're not being responsible" Why we're compassionate to everyone else but brutal to ourselves The familiar pattern: "If I spoke to a friend how I spoke to myself, I wouldn't have a friend in the world" Changing the Internal Dialogue Dr. Debi's "adorable" practice: replacing self-criticism with kindness Why being "easy on yourself" feels wrong (and why it's actually right) The revelation: best ideas don't come from grinding at the computer How rest and being (versus constant doing) actually increases productivity The Bicoastal Shift How moving between New York and California helped break the "hustle and grind" pattern Recognizing deeply ingrained conditioning that needs undoing The experiment: testing whether self-compassion affects productivity (spoiler: it improves it) Key Quotes "If nothing changes, nothing changes" "Everything is energy" (referencing Masaru Emoto's water crystal experiments) "Hard now, easy later. Easy now, hard later. Take your pick." "Why in the world would you just want to go back to who you were?" "You're worthy just because you exist—that's enough of a reason" For Coaches and Practitioners Critical reminder: Betrayal is a different type of trauma requiring a different way to heal. The right tools at the wrong time will set clients back. Beautiful tools that work with other clients may not work with betrayal clients. If your tools aren't working, there's very likely betrayal at the root. Action Steps Question your worthiness beliefs: Where did they come from? Do they still serve you? Experiment with self-compassion: Try replacing one critical thought with kindness Test the productivity myth: Take intentional time away and observe what happens Pull the thread: Start questioning beliefs that no longer serve you Rebuild intentionally: Don't just heal—decide who you want to become Bottom Line Betrayal shatters everything, which means you get to intentionally rebuild. Take on worthiness. Take on self-compassion. You're healing from one of the most painful human experiences—you deserve both. If you're a coach, healer or practitioner interested in learning how to effectively guide clients through betrayal recovery, learn more about PBT Certification at https://thepbtinstitute.com
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    23 mins
  • 456: Why Betrayal Is Different From Other Traumas

    456: Why Betrayal Is Different From Other Traumas
    Jan 12 2026
    Dr. Debi breaks down the fundamental differences between betrayal and other types of trauma, explaining why traditional trauma recovery approaches often fall short for betrayal survivors. Key Insights The Three Core Discoveries from Dr. Debi's PhD Research: Betrayal is a different type of trauma that requires a different approach to heal Most people who've been betrayed experience symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome® There are five predictable stages of recovery, with most people getting stuck at Stage 3 Why Betrayal Trauma Is Unique The Dual Rebuilding Process Unlike other traumas where you rebuild your life, betrayal requires you to rebuild both your life AND your sense of self. The core aspects that get shattered include: Confidence Worthiness Trust Belonging Sense of safety Complete Reality Disruption With other traumas (car accidents, natural disasters, loss), your perception of reality stays intact. With betrayal: Your entire worldview gets destroyed Past memories become tainted and questioned Every moment you shared is reexamined through a new, painful lens Your trust in the person who was supposed to be your safest person is shattered The Self-Trust Crisis When the person you trusted most proves untrustworthy, you immediately question yourself: "How did I not see this?" "What's wrong with my judgment?" "Can I ever trust my own decisions again?" This creates a paralyzing fear about moving forward and engaging with others. Identity Destruction Betrayal triggers a complete identity crisis: Your roles are questioned Your sense of self is shattered You take it personally, wondering if you're lovable, worthy, or deserving Everything you thought you knew about yourself comes into question Why Traditional Trauma Treatment Fall Short When it Comes to Betrayal Standard trauma approaches focus on: Processing the event Reducing fear Building coping skills Increasing sense of safety But these don't address: The shattering of self-trust The identity crisis The complete disruption of reality and worldview The unique isolation that comes with betrayal The Isolation Factor Unlike other traumas where communities rally together (like natural disasters or loss of a loved one), betrayal creates unique isolation: People don't know what to say, so they say nothing Friends and family may distance themselves out of discomfort Some may minimize the betrayal to avoid dealing with it The betrayed often suffers in silence, embarrassed and ashamed Many cover for the betrayer to maintain appearances, suffering at their own expense The Impossible Burden After betrayal, people who've been betrayed are expected to: Continue caring for children and elderly parents Maintain their careers Keep up with daily responsibilities Function normally in society All while their entire world has been shattered and they're questioning everything about themselves and their reality. For Coaches and Practitioners This is what your clients may be experiencing even if they haven't explicitly told you about a betrayal. They may be: Struggling and suffering in silence Unable to hold coherent thoughts
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    32 mins
  • 455: Why Your Best Coaching Strategies Fail When Betrayal Is at the Root

    455: Why Your Best Coaching Strategies Fail When Betrayal Is at the Root
    Jan 5 2026
    In this episode, Dr. Debi shares why unhealed betrayal is the hidden barrier preventing your clients from achieving breakthrough results—and how the PBT® (Post Betrayal Transformation®) Certification equips coaches, healers, and practitioners to create deeper, more predictable transformations. What You'll Learn: Why time doesn't heal betrayal (and what actually does) The shocking statistics: How unhealed betrayal impacts health, work, and relationships Why your best coaching strategies fall short when betrayal is at the root The research-backed framework that moves clients through the 5 predictable stages from betrayal to breakthrough How PBT® certification complements (not replaces) your existing coaching tools Simple diagnostic questions to identify unhealed betrayal in your clients Key Statistics Revealed: 84% of those who've experienced betrayal struggle to trust (impacting team collaboration and leadership) 81% feel a loss of personal power (leading to self-sabotage) 68% can't focus or concentrate (reducing workplace productivity) 47% experience weight and digestive issues (that no diet can fix) 80% are hypervigilant (preventing intimate connections) Who This Certification Is For: Life, health, business, and leadership coaches Relationship and mindset coaches Healers, therapists, counselors, psychologists HR leaders working with impacted employees Practitioners using modalities like yoga, reiki, EMDR, or EFT Benefits of PBT® Certification: Specialize in a massive, underserved niche Increase income (specialist vs. generalist positioning) Gain 4 ICF CEUs Join our certified coaches directory for client referrals Access retreat opportunities, podcast features, and ongoing mentorship Bring research-backed credibility to your practice Current Enrollment Bonuses: $500 discount with code GIFT500 Listing in the PBT® Certified Coaches Directory First 10 enrollees: Guest feature on the top 1.5% ranked "From Betrayal to Breakthrough" podcast PBT Pro Program Add-On Includes: Featured spotlight in the directory Podcast guest feature Discounted retreat pass ($1,800 value) PBT® Assessment Toolkit with 5 ready-to-use client assessments Learn More: Visit thepbtinstitute.com/get-certified Dr. Debi Silber is the Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, a PhD researcher who discovered Post Betrayal Syndrome®, and creator of the 5 Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough™ framework. With 34+ years of experience, she's helped thousands transform their most painful experiences into unprecedented growth.
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    59 mins
  • 454: From Ghosted to Empowered: How to Heal When Someone Disappears

    454: From Ghosted to Empowered: How to Heal When Someone Disappears
    Dec 29 2025
    Join host Dr. Debi as she sits down with Gretta Perlmutter, a certified PBT® coach who specializes in helping people heal from ghosting. Gretta shares her personal journey from being ghosted multiple times to becoming an expert in understanding this painful form of betrayal and helping others move forward with confidence. Key Topics Covered Gretta's Personal Story Being ghosted multiple times in business, friendships, and dating The shocking experience of being ghosted after a multi-day trip invitation The mental health toll and unhealthy coping mechanisms The journey from self-blame to self-empowerment Turning pain into purpose through coaching and content creation Understanding Ghosting Why People Ghost: Avoidance - Unwilling to experience the emotional labor of difficult conversations Malicious Intent - Using silence to hurt and control others Accidental - Truly unable to reach out (medical emergencies, lost contact info, tech glitches) Warning Signs Someone Might Ghost You: History of ghosting others Regular use of the silent treatment Consistent avoidance of conflict and emotional conversations The "slow ghost" - gradually fading from your life Actions that don't align with their words The Emotional Impact Feelings of unworthiness and invisibility Grief over the loss of the relationship and imagined future Anxiety, sadness, and confusion Physical symptoms like inability to eat or sleep The shock of going from feeling seen and heard to feeling deleted The Healing Journey Key Realizations: Ghosting says nothing about you and everything about the ghost You're not responsible for other people's behaviors Your worth doesn't depend on anyone else's approval or actions Not everyone shows up in the world with the same level of kindness and respect Practical Steps to Heal: Take care of your mind, body, and heart Honor your emotions without judgment Focus on people who are actively choosing you Reach out to understanding friends, family, or specialized coaches Stop analyzing the ghost and focus on your own healing Give yourself what you wanted from them If You Think You're Being Ghosted: Reach out casually 2-3 times maximum Give them the benefit of the doubt initially Don't keep messaging into an echo chamber End the relationship on your terms with a clear, dignified message Example: "I haven't heard from you in a while, and I'm not sure why. I'm disappointed that you haven't communicated with me. This dynamic isn't working for me, so I'm ending this relationship. Take care of yourself." If the Ghost Returns: Take your time deciding how to proceed Remember: You don't owe them anything People can change, but they often don't If you choose to reconnect, do it slowly after investing in your recovery They need to show they've changed and are trustworthy Build an entirely new relationship with clear boundaries The Power of PBT® Coaching How the five stages of betrayal recovery framework applies to ghosting The importance of not ghosting yourself during the healing process Moving from analyzing the betrayer to focusing on personal healing
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    30 mins
  • 453: From Betrayal's Breaking Point to Breakthrough: The Untold Story Behind The PBT® Certification Program

    453: From Betrayal's Breaking Point to Breakthrough: The Untold Story Behind The PBT® Certification Program
    Dec 22 2025
    After 450 episodes, the podcast takes a new direction as host Dr. Debi shares the deeply personal story behind the Post Betrayal Transformation® (PBT®) Certification Program—the only research-based program for healing from betrayal using the Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough. What You'll Learn The Personal Journey How childhood betrayal and later spousal betrayal led to a transformative healing journey The decision to pursue a PhD in Transpersonal Psychology while barely functioning Discovering the Five Stages of Betrayal Recovery through rigorous research and personal implementation The vulnerable choice to share this private story to help others heal The Research Behind PBT Why there was no deep-dive study on the lived experience of betrayal How the "Fab 14" women contributed to groundbreaking research The moment a study chair recognized a documented process in the findings Moving from theory to proven methodology through personal experience Physical and Emotional Healing Understanding Post Betrayal Syndrome® symptoms and their impact How healing affects sleep, immune system, weight, and overall wellbeing Why traditional therapy often keeps people stuck in the same patterns The difference between staying in Stage 3 (quicksand) versus moving to Stages 4 and 5 The Certification Program Why teaching coaches and practitioners creates exponential healing How the certification includes personal healing work before teaching others Real transformations: new businesses, restored health, rebuilt relationships The vision of reaching thousands through trained practitioners rather than one-on-one work Impact on Different Professions Life Coaches: Helping clients who can't focus or move forward Business Coaches: Supporting entrepreneurs who can't sell or promote themselves Health Coaches: Understanding why clients sabotage healthy protocols Leadership Coaches: Addressing trust issues that lead to micromanaging Parents: Becoming role models of resilience for their children Key Takeaways Betrayal is uniquely traumatic—it shatters trust and creates physical symptoms Healing is possible through a structured, research-based approach The Five Stages can shorten decades of pain into a manageable healing journey Transformation creates access to a version of yourself you didn't have before Sharing your story, despite vulnerability, can create mass healing Memorable Quotes "Get out of the way. Your ego and pride are preventing people from healing." "This work can shorten someone's pain by decades." "Stage 3 is quicksand—it's where most people get stuck." "Nothing was as painful for me as betrayal, and nothing feels better than transforming from it." Resources Mentioned PBT® (Post Betrayal Transformation®) Certification Program The PBT® Institute Previous TEDx talks: "Stop Sabotaging Yourself" and "Do You Have Post Betrayal Syndrome?" Book: Trust Again About Post Betrayal Syndrome® Post Betrayal Syndrome includes symptoms such as: Sleep disruption and fatigue Weakened immune system Weight gain (especially around midsection) Inability to focus or concentrate Emotional overwhelm and triggers Who This Episode Is For
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    35 mins
  • 452: Letting Go and Moving Into Your Next Best Chapter

    452: Letting Go and Moving Into Your Next Best Chapter
    Dec 15 2025
    Guest Dr. Rosenna Bakari - Psychologist, Entrepreneur, and Transformational Guide Episode Overview In this powerful conversation, Dr. Rosina BaKari shares her wisdom on letting go of what no longer serves us and stepping into our next best chapters. As a psychologist and entrepreneur, Dr. BaKari brings both professional expertise and personal experience to guide listeners through the challenging but essential process of transformation after betrayal and life's hardest moments. Key Topics Discussed The Journey to Entrepreneurship How becoming an entrepreneur forced Dr. BaKari to stop hiding The challenge of working alone and the fear that kept her isolated Recognizing when "personality traits" are actually fear-based responses Understanding and Navigating Fear Why action is the only way through fear How fear gnaws at us when we avoid what needs to be done Taking baby steps instead of giant leaps The Art of Letting Go Why "just let it go" doesn't work The 7X Framework: Seven areas that prevent us from moving forward Betrayal and silence Emotional dependency Stagnant relationships Complacency Indoctrination Loss of passion and purpose Ego and identity Forgiveness vs. Acceptance Why you shouldn't rush to forgive Letting forgiveness arise naturally from healing Striving for acceptance before forgiveness Meeting yourself where you are instead of where you think you should be Radical Self-Centeredness What it really means to be radically self-centered Why serving from an empty cup doesn't work Centering yourself in your own healing journey The importance of self-preservation over people-pleasing Seeds of Disempowerment How childhood conditioning shapes our adult responses The concept of "disempowerment by 1,000 cuts" Recognizing subtle experiences of emotional disempowerment Why we acquiesce in adulthood based on childhood patterns The Morning Practice Starting your day with five minutes of intentional self-reflection Deciding who you want to be before your day begins Creating self-awareness throughout the day Noticing when you drift from your intentions Rebuilding After the Crash Why betrayal can be a catalyst for transformation The opportunity to create something radically different Not wasting trauma by just trying to get back to "normal" Building a life that's bigger and more beautiful than before Key Quotes & Insights "If it were that easy, we'd all do it right? It's the processes that matter." "Don't rush forgiveness. Let forgiveness arise from the healing." "Be where you are. So often we don't allow ourselves to just be in the present moment." "You can't pour from an empty cup. The more full you are, the better for everybody." "Why would you rebuild what you had? Give it everything the old house didn't have." "There's a gap between what we want and what we really want. Spend time digging into what really brings you joy." Actionable Takeaways Practice the Morning Five Minutes: Before getting out of bed, spend five minutes deciding who you want to be that day Identify Your X Factor: Determine which of the seven areas is blocking your progress Take Baby Steps: Don't try to transform overnight; take the next closest step in the right direction
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    29 mins
  • 451: Helping Clients Through Betrayal During the Holidays

    451: Helping Clients Through Betrayal During the Holidays
    Dec 8 2025
    The holiday season can be especially challenging for those who've experienced betrayal. This episode explores how coaches and practitioners can help clients navigate the pain that surfaces during this time and introduces the strategic framework of the five stages from betrayal to breakthrough. Key Topics Covered The Holiday Challenge The holidays bring up complex emotions for those who've been betrayed: Memories of past celebrations become painful Questions arise about what the betrayer was thinking during previous happy moments The season amplifies unresolved trauma How Unhealed Betrayal Shows Up Betrayal affects clients across all coaching specialties: Health Coaches: Clients may struggle with emotional eating, binging, or sabotaging healthy protocols due to underlying betrayal trauma. Digestive Health Practitioners: 45% of betrayed individuals develop gut issues (Crohn's, IBS, diverticulitis, constipation, diarrhea). Even excellent protocols may fail without addressing the root betrayal. Business Coaches: Clients may sabotage success, struggle with confidence, avoid promoting themselves, or have difficulty delegating due to shattered trust. Life Coaches: Clients appear stuck, unable to find clarity or purpose because they're trapped in betrayal trauma. The Five Stages Framework Understanding where clients are stuck is crucial: Stage 2: Nervous system dysregulation prevents clients from hearing suggestions Stage 3: The most common stuck point where clients settle for "solid ground" rather than pursuing growth Stages 4 & 5: Where transformation happens—new health levels, passion projects, businesses, and relationships become possible Signs Your Protocols Aren't Working Client demonstrates patterns of self-sabotage Excellent strategies fail to produce results Client seems unable to move forward despite wanting to Symptoms persist despite proper treatment The Transformation Process When betrayal is addressed: Health protocols begin working effectively Confidence returns for business pursuits Trust rebuilds systematically Physical symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome disappear Clients look years younger as chronic stress reduces Common Pitfalls to Avoid Therapy Without Betrayal Expertise: Well-meaning therapists may keep clients feeling heard but stuck in Stage 3 Couples Counseling Issues: Often minimizes betrayal, lacks accountability, and frustrates the betrayed partner Support Groups: Can inadvertently encourage people to sabotage healing to maintain their community Numbing Behaviors: Medication, substances, work, or scrolling prevent actual healing Why People Stay Stuck Fear of outgrowing their support system Fear of outgrowing their betrayer Settling seems safer than risking more pain Not knowing there's a roadmap forward The Power of PBT Coaching Certified coaches use the five-stage roadmap while bringing their unique strengths: Some work with couples, others with individuals Specializations include military families, faith-based approaches, empaths, men, women All share the strategic framework while applying personal gifts Results of Moving Through the Stages New levels of physical health and vitality Transformed or new relationships Passion projects and new businesses Access to opportunities not visible while stuck Deep sense of fulfillment and purpose Upcoming Opportunity Free Masterclass: Becoming a Certified PBT Coach or Practitioner Date: December 11 at 11am Pacific For: Coaches, practitioners, HR professionals, therapists, doctors, counselors Special Offer: Holiday bonus gifts available (details revealed in masterclass) Register: ThePBTinstitute.com/certification-masterclass Note: Replay available to all registrants Key Takeaway Whether you're struggling with betrayal during the holidays or you're a professional who wants to help others heal, there's a proven roadmap that shortens years of pain. The goal isn't just to return to the old life—it's to create something richer, healthier, and more fulfilling. "The more coaches certified with their own spin, talents, and strengths, the more people get the help they need to move through something they never saw coming."
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    30 mins