In this episode of How to Have a Bloody Good Conversation, Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelam tackle the difficult workplace conversations many of us would rather avoid: what to do when your boss's behaviour is affecting your confidence, your team and your ability to do your job.

They answer specific listener questions by exploring three common difficult-boss scenarios: the emotionally volatile boss who leaves everyone walking on eggshells; the fearful or anxious boss who becomes controlling and starts micromanaging; and the boss who subtly undermines you in meetings or questions your decisions.

If you're wondering about the signs of a toxic boss, how to handle a micromanaging boss, or how to manage up when your boss is difficult, this episode offers practical ways to approach the situation.

You'll hear how to:

• Stop taking your boss's behaviour personally
• Separate their emotional issues from your own
• Have a difficult conversation with your boss
• Give feedback without making assumptions about their intentions
• Stick to facts rather than interpretations
• Manage up and reduce micromanagement
• Create systems that give an anxious boss reassurance without constant interruptions
• Use 360-degree feedback to give a leader a clearer picture of their impact
• Handle subtle workplace undermining and microaggressions
• Respond rather than react when a difficult boss pushes your buttons
• Consider handling a bad boss without going to HR
• Know when you've tried enough and it's time to consider your options

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Previous episodes mentioned

1. The Best Conversation Is the One You Have With Yourself – Series 2, Episode 4
2. Why Good Conversations Feel So Hard Right Now (and what to do about it) – Series 2, Episode 1
3. How to Negotiate Like a Hostage Negotiator – with Scott Walker - Series 1, Episode 10

> You can find them here.

> Apple podcast listeners can find us here.

> Spotify listeners can go here.

Contact Victoria at www.thesuccesssmith.com

Conversation prompt mugs - a conversation starter on the front, a follow-up prompt on the back – https://www.etsy.com/shop/conversationwarmers

Use codes BREWFORTWO and TEAFORTHREE for multibuy discounts.

Doctor Dolittle dreamed of talking to animals and having them talk back. It was a fantastical notion. Except that some pet owners are already living it. Today!

Pet owners, like Nina Leipold and her talking cat, Flounder.

This very clever kitty uses over 120 words on a soundboard, has a favourite film she watches on repeat, a toy mouse with his own opinion button, and a bravery tutu she asks for before thunderstorms. She has also diagnosed her own illness, reminded her owner to pick up wine, and painted a picture. Oh, and there’s so much more, as you’ll hear.

In this episode, we (that’s Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelum) are joined by Nina, an animal behaviourist with 15 years of mammal training behind her, and occasionally Flounder, to explore what happens when you give a pet a way to communicate. Nina has enrolled Flounder in a university scientific study at UC San Diego, where researchers confirmed that Flounder processes words, not just body language. The episode covers how pet communication buttons work; the difference between receptive and expressive vocabulary in animals; why umbrella words are the key to managing a 120-button soundboard; what Flounder’s relationship with Mouse Toy reveals about play therapy in animals; and what happens to pet behaviour when you give them genuine agency.

We also put to Nina the questions that a survey of 2,000 pet owners said they most desperately want answered: Are you happy? Do you like your life? Do you love me or is it just cupboard love? Do you understand every word I say? What's your favourite thing we do together? Are you secretly judging me? Are you jealous? And, especially for the cat owners like Victoria, are you plotting something? Nina's answers might surprise you.

The lessons Nina has learned from teaching Flounder to talk turn out to apply just as much to human relationships as to animal ones. Which is why this episode is called How To Talk To Your Pets And Other Family Members.

Nina Leipold: animal behaviourist with 15 years of mammal training experience and owner of Flounder, a cat enrolled in a university scientific study into animal language and communication at UC San Diego.

Nina runs a free mini course and a full course on teaching pets to communicate using buttons - floundercat.com/button-mini-course

Instagram: @flounder_meatloaf - follow along to see Flounder progress. It really is mind-blowing.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

The university study

• The study is run through UC San Diego (University of California, San Diego) and is currently focused on data collection from thousands of dogs and cats. It needs funding to continue, Nina mentions this in the episode. Visit https://cclab.ucsd.edu/donate/ to donate and https://cclab.ucsd.edu/pet-cognition-communication/ for more information about the study.

Concepts mentioned in this episode

• Receptive vocabulary - words an animal understands when they hear them
• Expressive vocabulary - words an animal is able to communicate back
• Umbrella words — a single word covering multiple related concepts to reduce button overload (e.g. ‘hug’ for anything Flounder wears)
• Operant conditioning - the learning process Victoria references (Pavlov’s dog; reward-based behaviour training)
• Play therapy - the framework Nina uses to understand Flounder’s relationship with Mouse Toy
• Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) - the broader field of communication tools that pet buttons draw from, originally developed for humans

• Conversation prompt mugs - a conversation starter on the front, a follow-up prompt on the back – https://www.etsy.com/shop/conversationwarmers

A third of adults have never once talked to their partner about sex. Not once. Is that because we've never been taught HOW to have THAT conversation?

We think so, and it's one of the conversations we struggle with too.

That being a good enough reason to tackle this subject aside, here's another reason: the cost of not talking about it isn't just bad sex, it's needs quietly going unmet, resentment slowly building, and eventually someone deciding they'd rather find what they need elsewhere.

This is an important episode for an important conversation and to help us navigate it, we (that's Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelum) are joined by Amy Terwilleger, a licensed US attorney and certified sex and relationship coach, to talk about why the conversation about sex is so hard, how to actually talk to your partner about it, what it costs us not to have it, and what it actually takes to start. Amy works with individuals and couples across the full spectrum of modern relationships, from intimacy and desire to conflict, separation, and rebuilding after divorce. She is, it turns out, exactly the person you want in the room when two rather British women are trying to get over their knickers-in-a-twist discomfort about the whole subject.

This episode covers the shame and stigma that keeps the conversation locked down; why our sex education left a gap that pornography filled badly; the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire (and why the pizza analogy helps explain it); the bucket list but for sex; why faking orgasm is a communication problem; what body image is doing to our sex lives; how to have the conversation when your partner doesn't want to; and what Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity tells us about mystery, separateness, and why time apart might be the best thing you can do for your sex life.

Victoria admits to palpitations. Sarah admits to being quieter than usual. And Amy's closing line is one of our best!

⚠️ This episode contains adult content and is intended for mature audiences. It also includes an honest discussion of sexual trauma and its impact.

Amy Terwilleger - licensed US attorney and certified sex and relationship coach. Amy helps individuals and couples navigate the full spectrum of modern relationships, from intimacy and connection to conflict, separation, and rebuilding. She works with clients on communication, desire, body image, sexual confidence, and ethical non-monogamy.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Esther Perel – Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence https://www.estherperel.com/books

Mugs that make connections with a conversation starter on the front, and a follow-up prompt on the back. Perfect for keeping the tea and the conversation flowing. Buy them here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/conversationwarmers

Before you said a single word today, someone had already formed an opinion about your competence, your status, and whether you could be trusted. We've all been told never to judge a book by its cover, and yet researchers tell us we do it anyway, in a fraction of a second, before a handshake, before a hello.

So what exactly are your clothes saying? And more importantly, is it what you intend?

In this episode, Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelum are joined by Stacie Baillie - an ICF-trained coach, leadership advisor, image consultant, certified makeup artist, and founder of Radiant Mirror, who has spent 30 years inside some of the world's largest global organisations watching how the way people show up quietly makes or breaks careers. The conversation covers the secret language of clothing: why 93% of communication is non-verbal and what that means for what you put on in the morning; the sumptuary laws of medieval England (yes, you could be fined for wearing the wrong colour); how the post-Covid collapse of formal dress codes has made the unwritten rules harder to read, not easier; and why a well-fitted jacket can literally change your posture and therefore how the world responds to you.

Along the way: a Savile Row tailor's verdict on why fit matters more than labels; why King Charles may have worn chalk stripe to the US Senate on purpose; the VP who was being held back not by her work but by her wardrobe; and the single button on a senior woman's blouse that research shows was enough to reduce perceptions of her competence significantly.

This episode also wrestles with the tensions that sit underneath all of it: between self-expression and conformity, between dressing for yourself and dressing for others, between the freedom to wear what you like and the reality that you will be judged for it regardless. Stacie's closing advice is both practical and kind.

Part two - what specific items of clothing and colours are actually signalling to the people around you - is coming. But start here.

Stacie Baillie: ICF-trained coach, leadership advisor, image consultant, and certified makeup artist. Founder of Radiant Mirror, which offers coaching, leadership development, and influence and image consulting. Stacie spent 30 years working in senior roles at some of the world’s largest global organisations, including banking and consulting, before founding Radiant Mirror to help people bridge the gap between how they see themselves and how the world sees them. You can contact her via her website: www.radiantmirror.ca

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Do you find talking to strangers a challenge?

You're not alone.

Researchers at the University of Chicago put commuters on trains and buses and asked some of them to strike up a conversation with the stranger next to them. The ones who did reported significantly happier journeys, every single time. And yet when they asked a separate group beforehand whether they’d enjoy it, almost everyone said no. They predicted feeling awkward or unwanted. They were wrong, but the fear was so convincing, they believed it anyway.

And yet, for the sake of your health and sanity, you need to find a way to overcome that fear of striking up a conversation and building rapport - connecting - with anyone.

One in six people worldwide is now affected by loneliness. Around 100 deaths happen every hour as a result. The WHO has declared social connection a public health crisis on a par with obesity and smoking. And yet 75% of us say nothing replaces human connection. We have more ways to reach each other than any generation that has ever lived and we are lonelier than ever.

In this episode, hosts Sarah Wright and Dr Victoria Stakelum are joined by Anitra Irrera - BBC Radio Kent broadcast journalist, reporter and producer - to explore the art and science of rapport: what it actually is, why we find it so terrifying, and what it takes to build genuine connection with a complete stranger. Anitra has spent her career doing the thing most of us dread - walking up to people she has never met and getting them to open up, whether that’s a grieving family, a hostile politician, or a reluctant celebrity who clearly doesn’t want to be there.

This episode covers the neuroscience of eye contact, smiling, and mirror neurons; why mirroring someone’s energy and pace builds instant trust (and why this is both a teaching tool in NLP and, some would argue, a dark art); how the fear of rejection is wired into us at a survival level, and how to override it; the Norwegian approach to directness and what the British can learn from it; why digital connection is not the same as the real thing neurologically; and the single most powerful thing you can do to build rapport with anyone, anywhere. Spoiler alert - it involves swearing but not in the way you might think.

If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone to avoid making eye contact on the tube, this one’s for you. Because every person you’ve ever loved was once a stranger. Every single one.

Anitra Irrera - BBC Radio Kent broadcast journalist, reporter and producer. Originally from Bergen in Norway, Anitra holds a degree in Psychology and Anthropology and has spent her career building rapport under pressure: from music interviews to political reporting to live broadcasting. She is also a teacher.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Research mentioned in this episode

• University of Chicago commuter study - Epley & Schroeder (2014), ‘Mistakenly seeking solitude’, Journal of Experimental Psychology: General
• WHO report on loneliness as a global public health priority (2023)
• Mirror neurons and social connection - Rizzolatti & Craighero (2004), Annual Review of Neuroscience

NLP and rapport

• NLP World — introduction to matching, mirroring and rapport – https://www.nlpworld.co.uk
• Psychology Today — The Science of Rapport – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/rapport

The 100 days of rejection experiment

• Jia Jiang – ‘Rejection Proof’ TED Talk https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection

Loneliness and social connection

• WHO — Social isolation and loneliness – https://www.who.int/teams/mental-health-and-substance-use/promotion-prevention/social-connection
• Campaign to End Loneliness (UK) – https://www.campaigntoendloneliness.org

You know the one. It starts the moment you wake up at 3am, or maybe it’s the reason you woke up in the first place. Not good enough. Not clever enough. Not doing enough. Most of us are having a conversation with ourselves that we would never tolerate from another person. And it’s doing real damage: to our confidence, our relationships, and for many of us, our sleep.

In this episode, hosts, Sarah Wright and psychologist Dr Victoria Stakelum, explore why our brains default to negative self-talk, what it is physically doing to our bodies, and what we can do to change it. Victoria explains the science behind negativity bias - the evolutionary survival mechanism that causes the brain to scan for threat and, in the absence of real danger, manufacture it - and why the stories we tell ourselves at night are particularly potent. In a wakeful sleep state, the body can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a vividly imagined one. The catastrophic 3am thought spiral is, quite literally, a self-induced stress response.

The conversation covers the physiological cost of chronic self-criticism (inflammation, disrupted sleep hormones, reduced immunity), the origins of the inner critic in childhood programming and social comparison, and the research showing that how we speak to ourselves directly shapes what becomes possible for us. Victoria also opens up about her own relationship with perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking - a reminder that even the psychologist is working on it.

You’ll come away with a step-by-step process for building kinder self-talk from the ground up: from the one sentence that can de-escalate a 3am spiral, to body scan techniques, to the most powerful reframe of all: responding to yourself as you would to someone you genuinely love.

Be part of the conversation. If you have a conversational conundrum or a question, please do get in touch via our email: abloodygoodconversation@gmail.com.

Sarah’s book

• Get Back to Sleep: A Recovering Insomniac’s Practical Guide to Beating Insomnia – Available on Amazon

CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia)

• Sarah refers to this course that helped her: ReSleep.

Self-talk and self-compassion

• Self-Compassion - Dr Kristin Neff’s research and free self-compassion exercises https://self-compassion.org
• Psychology Today - What Is Negative Self-Talk, and How Can You Change It? https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/self-talk

Negativity bias

• Verywell Mind - What Is the Negativity Bias? https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618

Mindfulness and body scan

• NHS Every Mind Matters - Mindfulness and body scan audio guides: https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/mindfulness/

In this episode, Sarah Wright and Dr. Victoria Stakelum explore the inner dialogue that shapes everything: your confidence, your decisions, your relationships, and your ability to have difficult conversations.

We unpack where your inner critic comes from (spoiler: it was formed in childhood, and it thinks it's helping), how to tell the difference between fear-based chatter and genuine gut instinct, and what to do when that voice in your head is holding you back.

You'll learn why trying to silence your inner critic backfires, what you can do so it loses its grip, and the ABC technique for regulating yourself in the moment. Plus: the surprising power of giving your inner critic a name, why affirmations can make things worse if you don't believe them, and how journaling with your non-dominant hand might unlock answers your conscious mind can't reach.

If you've ever beaten yourself up after a meeting, talked yourself out of something you wanted, or wondered why you can't just think more positively—this one's for you.

Topics covered:

• What a “conversation with yourself” really is and why we’re all doing it (whether we notice it or not).
• Why the tone and volume of your self-talk matters for wellbeing and relationships.
• How to spot when you’re being hijacked in a conversation (mental and physical signs).
• A simple regulation framework you can use anywhere: Awareness → Breath → Choice.
• How to work with (not against) your inner critic, including naming it and understanding what it’s trying to do for you.
• Why “positive affirmations” can backfire and how to do realism-based positivity instead.
• Practical ways to externalise your thoughts: journaling, speaking out loud, and prompts that take you deeper.

Guest Information

• Dr. Victoria Stakelum - Psychologist & Mindset Coach
• Sarah Wright - Communications & Creative Strategist
• Victoria's Oracle Cards: Available at thesuccesssmith.com under Launchpad

Contact / listener questions

Have a conversational conundrum or a question sparked by this episode? Email the show at ABloodyGoodConversation@gmail.com .