Episodes

  • Fun Facts About Happiness

    Fun Facts About Happiness
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about happiness—one of those elusive topics that seems to be on everyone’s mind, yet is so difficult to define. Most of us want to be happy, but what does that actually mean? Is it a fleeting feeling, a lasting state, or something deeper altogether? Today, we’re going to explore the phenomenon of happiness from several angles: what science tells us, how our minds can trick us, and why chasing pleasure might not be the answer. We’ll also look at some surprising research findings, reflect on the role of our upbringing and beliefs, and consider what it really takes to cultivate a sense of well-being that lasts. So, whether you’re someone who feels generally content or you find yourself often searching for that next boost of joy, I hope you’ll find something here that resonates. Let’s dive in. Happiness is a topic that’s fascinated philosophers, scientists, and ordinary people for centuries. We all know those moments of euphoria—maybe after a good workout, a delicious meal, or a big success at work. But does that mean we’re truly happy? Or is happiness something that runs deeper than those bursts of positive emotion? Research suggests that happiness isn’t just about feeling good in the moment. For example, studies show that physical activity can significantly boost our mood by increasing the production of serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins—those feel-good chemicals in our brains. But even then, the happiness we feel after a run or a dance class is temporary. It fades, and we return to our baseline. One particularly interesting study from Northeastern University in the US suggests that two ingredients are essential for happiness: first, filling your life with new and satisfying experiences, and second, appreciating what you have rather than focusing on what you lack. It’s a simple formula, but not always easy to live by. On the flip side, there are also factors that seem to block happiness. Long-term research from the University of Maryland found that the more television people watch, the less happy they tend to be. In contrast, those who spend time reading or socializing report higher levels of happiness. Age and gender also play a role. A report from the University of Ulster in Ireland found that boys are generally less happy than girls in childhood, but this trend reverses as people age. Women tend to be happier than men until around age 47, at which point men report feeling happier, while women’s satisfaction tends to decline. Of course, there are many exceptions to these patterns, but they offer some food for thought about how happiness shifts over the course of our lives. Money is another topic that always comes up in discussions about happiness. How much money do you really need to be happy? According to a study published in Nature Human Behaviour, the answer depends on where you live. Generally, wealthier people need more money to feel happy, while those with less are often content with less. And here’s a surprising fact: people over 65 tend to be happier than those in their late teens and early twenties. This might be because younger adults face more life decisions and challenges, while older people have often settled into a rhythm and have fewer major upheavals. There’s also evidence that happiness can actually help you live longer. People who describe themselves as happy are less likely to get sick and seem to age more slowly. They also tend to make healthier lifestyle choices without even trying. So, happiness isn’t just a nice-to-have—it’s a factor that can shape the quality and length of your life. But what exactly is happiness? Is it just a series of pleasurable moments, or is it something more stable? Some traditions, especially in the East, suggest that happiness is a kind of baseline—a level of well-being that stays relatively constant, regardless of life’s ups and downs. You might rate your happiness on a scale from one to ten, and while it can fluctuate, it tends to return to a certain set point. This idea is supported by studies comparing lottery winners and people who have experienced serious accidents. Initially, those who win the lottery report a huge surge in happiness, while those who suffer major setbacks, like losing the ability to walk, report a sharp drop. But after about a year, both groups tend to return to their previous levels of happiness. This phenomenon is known as hedonic adaptation. It means that no matter what happens—good or bad—our happiness tends to stabilize over time. So, if chasing external success, pleasure, or possessions only brings temporary happiness, what should we focus on instead? This is where the wisdom of Buddhist monks and modern psychologists often overlaps. Matthieu Ricard, a former cell biologist who became a Buddhist monk and author, argues that happiness is not about external achievements or fleeting pleasures. Instead, it’s about cultivating a stable sense of well-being ...
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    17 mins
  • Atlas of the Heart

    Atlas of the Heart
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about emotions and emotional intelligence. Today, we’re diving into the fascinating world of our feelings—how they shape our thoughts, our health, and our relationships. Most of us, if we’re honest, don’t really know how to pinpoint exactly what we’re feeling, or why. But here’s the good news: emotional intelligence isn’t something you’re either born with or not. It’s a set of skills you can learn and practice, just like tennis or computer programming. By giving ourselves permission to truly experience all of our feelings, we can reduce stress, improve our well-being, and build richer connections with others. If we suppress or ignore our negative emotions, they only grow stronger and more toxic. So, in this episode, let’s explore what it means to become emotionally intelligent—why it matters, how we can develop it, and what happens when we start to see our emotional lives with more nuance and depth. I’m so glad you’re here. Let’s get started. Let’s begin with a simple truth: emotions are central to our lives. They influence our thinking, our physical health, and the way we relate to others. Yet, most of us haven’t really learned how to identify or understand our feelings. We might assume that because we’ve had emotions since birth, we must be experts by now. But the reality is, emotional intelligence isn’t something we’re born with. It’s not tied to IQ, and even people who are naturally sensitive or compassionate can struggle to navigate their own emotions. In fact, researchers tell us that emotional skills are something we need to practice throughout our lives. There’s no graduation day from the “school of feelings.” Instead, we’re all lifelong students, learning to explore, understand, and manage our emotions as we go. So, what does it actually mean to be emotionally intelligent? At its core, emotional intelligence is about learning to identify and manage our feelings. It’s about giving ourselves permission to feel both the pleasant and the difficult emotions, without judgment. It’s also about recognizing the role emotions play in our social lives—how they affect our relationships and how we can support others in handling their own feelings. To do this, we need to become what some call “emotionally aware” or “emotion researchers.” This means being open-minded and curious, not labeling feelings as good or bad, but simply noticing them, understanding where they come from, and learning how to regulate or express them in healthy ways. It’s important to note that emotional intelligence doesn’t mean we’ll never lose our temper or say something we regret. We’re still human, after all. But it does help us recognize why we react the way we do, and gives us tools to handle those triggers more skillfully next time. The encouraging part is that emotional intelligence can be taught and learned—by adults, by children, in classrooms, and in workplaces. For example, studies have shown that even just 16 hours of training can significantly improve people’s ability to recognize and name their emotions. That’s a small investment for such a big payoff. Today, I want to take you on a journey through what you might call an emotional map or atlas—a way of understanding the landscape of our feelings. This idea is inspired by Brené Brown’s book, “Atlas of the Heart,” where she explores 87 different emotions. Compare that to the 16 basic emotions some psychologists work with, or even the 200-plus states recognized in Buddhist traditions. The point isn’t to overwhelm ourselves with labels, but to recognize that our emotional lives are far more nuanced than we often realize. Brené Brown calls this “emotional granularity”—the ability to notice and describe the subtle differences between our feelings. It’s about being aware of our emotions, but also being able to explore the shades and layers within each one. Think of it like this: just as a material can be broken down into smaller and smaller parts, our emotional states are often made up of many different thoughts and feelings working together. Emotional granularity is about understanding all those parts, seeing the full picture of what we’re experiencing. Brown uses a powerful metaphor to explain what it’s like to lack emotional awareness. Imagine standing in complete darkness, seeing a light in the distance, but having no idea what obstacles lie between you and that light. You stumble around, bumping into things you can’t see, feeling lost and disoriented. That, she says, is what it’s like to move through life without understanding your emotions. You’re missing the map, the compass that helps you navigate your inner world and connect with others. When Brown surveyed 7,000 people and asked them to name the emotions they’d felt in the past year, the average person could only list three: sad, happy, or angry. Three words, out of a possible 87—or ...
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    21 mins
  • The Cure for Anxiety & Restlessness

    The Cure for Anxiety & Restlessness
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about anxiety, worry, and the ways we can meet our inner unrest with curiosity and compassion. Today, we’re diving into a topic that touches nearly everyone at some point in life—anxiety. Whether it’s a fleeting sense of unease or a persistent, disruptive force, anxiety is something most of us know all too well. In fact, about 15 percent of people will experience anxiety at a level that qualifies as a disorder in any given year, and even more will go through periods of stress, worry, or psychological discomfort. But what if there were some universal principles—simple, but not always easy—that could help us navigate this labyrinth? That’s what we’ll explore together in this episode. So, wherever you are, take a deep breath, settle in, and let’s begin this journey into understanding anxiety—and ourselves—a little better. Anxiety is a phenomenon with many faces. There are countless subtypes—generalized anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, specific phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder. Each has its own flavor, but they all share a common thread: a sense of inner tension, worry, or fear that can be hard to shake. And we live in a world that seems, in many ways, to be growing more anxious. Some even talk about an “anxiety epidemic,” as more and more people are diagnosed with anxiety disorders. In Norway, for example, it’s estimated that one in four people will experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. Why is this happening? There are many possible explanations, but one idea that stands out is the paradox of safety. In our quest to make life ever safer—padded playgrounds, endless regulations, constant monitoring of risks—we may inadvertently be creating more anxiety. When we focus so intensely on safety, we also become hyper-aware of everything that could go wrong. To know what’s safe, we must also know what’s dangerous. And when we’re always scanning for danger, it’s easy to become anxious. This is especially apparent in children and young people. As we try to shield them from every possible harm, we may also be teaching them to be afraid. The intention is good, but the result can be more worry, more avoidance, and more anxiety. It’s a bit like trying to suppress a thought—when you tell yourself not to think about something, that thought becomes even more persistent. The same goes for anxiety: the more we try to avoid it, the more it sticks around. To understand anxiety, it helps to look at how our brains work. We often talk about two main parts: the “reptilian brain,” the ancient, reflexive part that handles basic survival responses like fight, flight, or freeze; and the prefrontal cortex, the newer part responsible for planning, self-reflection, and predicting the future. When the prefrontal cortex doesn’t have enough information to predict what’s coming, it generates a sense of unease. That’s anxiety—a signal that something is uncertain, unpredictable, or potentially threatening. But here’s the tricky part: when anxiety flares up, our rational brain—the prefrontal cortex—often shuts down. Logical reasoning becomes hard, if not impossible. That’s why it’s so difficult to “think your way out” of an anxiety attack. The goal in therapy, then, isn’t to convince yourself that your anxiety is irrational or wrong. Instead, it’s about rewiring those deep, automatic responses in the older parts of the brain. But how do we do that? One useful way to think about anxiety is as a kind of addiction. Not in the sense of substance abuse, but in the sense of habitual, automatic responses to uncomfortable feelings. Addiction, in this broader sense, is anything we do that we know isn’t helpful in the long run, but we do it anyway—buying things we can’t afford, scrolling endlessly on our phones, drinking to numb discomfort. These are all ways of coping with emotional pain, and they often provide short-term relief at the cost of long-term well-being. With anxiety, the habitual response is often worry. When we feel uneasy, our brains leap into action, trying to solve the problem by worrying about it. Worry gives us the illusion of control, the sense that we’re “on top of things.” But in reality, worry just distracts us from the original feeling and often creates even more anxiety. It becomes a loop—a habit that’s hard to break because it feels, on some level, like it’s helping. Our brains are wired to create these habit loops. When something works—even once—the brain remembers it and stores it away as the default response for similar situations in the future. Over time, these patterns become automatic, running in the background without our conscious awareness. Some researchers estimate that up to 50 percent of our behaviors are driven by these unconscious loops. That’s why it’s so hard to change them: we’re not even aware they’re happening most of the time. To ...
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    18 mins
  • Willpower

    Willpower
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about the psychology of willpower—why self-control feels so hard, how it gets depleted, and what that means for our everyday lives. I’m glad you’re here, because today we’re going to take a deep dive into the hidden mechanisms behind why we get so tired, why resisting temptations can feel impossible, and how the demands of modern life might be draining our mental energy in ways we don’t even realize. Whether you’re struggling to resist checking your phone, trying to stick to a diet, or just wondering why you feel so exhausted after a day at the office, this episode is for you. Let’s explore together how willpower works, why it sometimes fails us, and what we can do to manage this precious resource a little better. Let’s start with a simple but unsettling idea: your brain lies to you. Everything you experience is filtered through layers of unconscious biases and neuroses. In fact, much of what you think and feel is shaped by hidden corners of your mind, and if you’re not careful, you can end up believing things about yourself and the world that just aren’t true. But if you pay close attention, there’s a real chance to understand yourself better—and maybe even change how you use your willpower. So, what exactly is willpower? At its core, willpower is the ability to override immediate impulses in order to achieve a long-term goal. It’s what helps you say no to cake when you’re trying to eat healthier, or resist the urge to check your phone when you’re supposed to be working. In psychological terms, this is called self-regulation. And here’s the thing: willpower is a limited resource. Just like a muscle, it can get tired if you use it too much. If you spend your day constantly resisting temptations—whether it’s sweets, distractions, or emotional reactions—you’ll eventually run out of steam. Researchers at the University of Oslo have found that willpower has declined dramatically in the Norwegian population. We live in a society where everyone expects their needs to be satisfied immediately. Think about how different things were for our parents or grandparents, who might have saved for years to buy a new sofa or apartment. Today, we want everything now. Professor Paul Kraft, who has spent over 20 years studying willpower, says that our ability to wait for rewards is much weaker than it used to be. And that has big consequences—not just for individuals, but for society as a whole. Why do some people seem to have strong willpower, while others struggle? Part of it is genetic. Some people are born with more self-control, just like some people are born with more physical strength. But environment matters too—especially how we’re raised. And crucially, willpower is a finite resource. If you use it too much, you’ll get mentally exhausted and need to rest. Maybe we’re living in a world that demands so much self-control that we’re constantly stretching our willpower muscle to the breaking point. Let’s look at an example. Imagine you’re trying to resist checking your phone every time it buzzes. Even if you succeed, it takes mental energy to ignore those notifications. You might feel proud for not giving in, but that effort drains your willpower, leaving you with less energy for the next challenge—like resisting dessert after dinner, or staying patient with your kids. Just like your physical muscles, your mental muscles can be trained to endure more over time, but they also need rest. I didn’t always think much about willpower, until I read Roy Baumeister’s book on the subject. It opened my eyes to just how central this ability is in our lives. Baumeister describes willpower as a kind of energy that can be used up, and he backs it up with some fascinating experiments. One story that really illustrates this is about the musician Amanda Palmer. She’s known for her wild, chaotic stage persona—think of a punk rock Lady Gaga or a provocative Madonna. But to create that kind of character, she needed an incredible amount of self-discipline. In 1998, when she was 22, she started performing as a living statue in Boston, dressed as an eight-foot-tall bride. She would stand perfectly still for hours, giving a rose to anyone who put money in her box. It sounds simple, but it’s actually one of the hardest things you can do—not physically, but mentally. Imagine standing there, staring at a fixed point, while people you know walk by, or someone tries to distract you, or even spits at you. She had to resist every impulse to react, to scratch her nose, to respond to provocation. After a few hours, she was completely drained—not physically, but psychologically. She felt empty, unable to think, needing to go home and collapse before doing it all again the next day. What Amanda Palmer was really training was her willpower. And willpower, it turns out, behaves a lot like a muscle. Use it too much, and you get a kind of psychological ...
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    15 mins
  • Fundamental for Self-Realization

    Fundamental for Self-Realization
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about Maslow and the core ideas of humanistic psychology. Today, we’re diving into what it really takes for a person to grow, to develop, and maybe even reach a level of self-actualization that goes far beyond the average. We’ll explore what Maslow meant by this “cosmic” or transcendent form of consciousness at the top of his hierarchy, and what it might mean for us in our own lives. Along the way, I’ll share some personal reflections, practical examples, and hopefully leave you with some new perspectives on what it means to become your best self. So, whether you’re curious about psychology, looking for inspiration, or just want to understand yourself and others a little better, I’m glad you’re here. Let’s get started. When I first encountered Maslow, I’ll admit, I thought he was a bit boring. I only knew about his hierarchy of needs, that famous pyramid we all see in textbooks. It seemed so simple, almost too basic—food, safety, belonging, self-esteem, and finally, self-actualization at the top. But as I dug deeper, I realized there’s so much more to his ideas. Maslow wasn’t just about ticking off boxes on a pyramid. He was interested in what it really means to thrive as a human being, and what it takes to reach those rare heights of fulfillment and awareness. Maslow himself was an extraordinary person—by some accounts, he scored an almost unbelievable 195 on an IQ test. But what’s more important than his intelligence is the warmth and humanity that comes through in his work. He’s one of the leading voices in what’s called humanistic psychology—a branch that, for me, brings out the best in us. When I read cognitive psychology, I sometimes become a bit harsh, telling myself to just think differently, to get it together. But when I read humanistic psychology, I become more patient, more compassionate, more open to myself and others. That’s the spirit I want to bring into this conversation. Let’s talk about the hierarchy of needs, because it’s still a useful way to think about what we require to grow. But I want to stress: these needs aren’t just steps you climb one after another. They’re more like parallel currents in your life, each one needing attention and care, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on where you are and what you’re facing. At the very base, of course, are the physiological needs—food, water, shelter, rest. If you’re hungry or exhausted, it’s hard to focus on anything else. Anyone who’s ever been “hangry” knows how quickly a lack of food can make you irritable or anxious. But once those basics are met, our attention shifts to psychological needs. The first of these is safety and attachment. For children, feeling safe is the foundation for all development. If a child doesn’t feel safe—if they’re afraid of being attacked or abandoned—all their mental energy gets tied up in fear and anxiety. There are two main fear systems at play: the fear of being harmed, and the panic of being left alone. If you grew up with parents who were abusive, you might react with fear. If your parents were emotionally absent, you might panic at the thought of losing their care. Either way, your focus becomes survival, not growth. But when you do feel safe, something wonderful happens. You become curious. You want to play, to explore, to learn about the world. There’s an innocence and enthusiasm that comes with this—what I like to call the “innocent archetype.” I remember summers as a child, feeling safe and free, exploring with friends, meeting new people, and just enjoying life. That sense of safety is what allows us to be open, to take risks, to grow. Our attachment styles—how we relate to others—are shaped by these early experiences. If you didn’t get enough attention or care, you might develop a style where you cling to others, always seeking reassurance. If you experienced a lot of fear, you might become avoidant, skeptical of others’ intentions, always expecting to be let down. Some people oscillate between these styles, and in cases of mental health struggles, a lot of energy gets trapped in these fear systems. It becomes hard to assert yourself, to stand up for your own needs, because you’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned. But if you’re lucky enough to have a secure attachment—to feel truly seen, loved, and cared for—you have a stable base from which to explore the world and discover yourself. If that base is unstable, your focus narrows to doing whatever it takes to keep that fragile sense of safety. And if safety comes and goes unpredictably, you might develop what’s called an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style, making it harder to form lasting, healthy relationships. Secure attachment, then, is a marker of good mental health. Insecure attachment makes everything harder—it’s difficult to regulate your emotions, to trust others, to build deep connections. That’s ...
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    19 mins
  • The Architecture of Self-Esteem

    The Architecture of Self-Esteem
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about the architecture of self-esteem. Today, we’re diving deep into what it truly means to have healthy self-esteem. Is it just a vague sense of being “good enough,” or is there something deeper—something that shapes the way we live, think, and relate to others? In this episode, we’ll explore the psychology of self-esteem, guided by the influential American psychologist Nathaniel Branden. Branden argued that self-esteem isn’t something you either have or don’t have—it’s a practice, a set of attitudes and actions you cultivate over time. In his book, “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem,” he lays out six foundational pillars that together form the basis for a healthy, sustainable sense of self-worth. These pillars aren’t just about how we feel—they’re about how we live: how conscious we are, how honest we are with ourselves, whether we take responsibility, and whether we dare to stand up for ourselves in the world. So, if you’re curious about how self-esteem is shaped—not just as an idea, but as a lifelong project—I hope you’ll join me for this deep dive. We’ll explore the very foundation of our psychological self-understanding, and maybe, just maybe, find some keys to becoming a little more secure, a little braver, and a little more at home in ourselves. Welcome. Let’s start with a simple but profound question: What is self-esteem? Is it just about feeling good about yourself, or is there more to it? When I first started writing about self-esteem, I came across a definition from William James, one of the founding fathers of psychology. He proposed a kind of formula: self-esteem equals success divided by ambitions. Think about that for a moment. If your ambitions are sky-high, you need a lot of success to feel good about yourself. But if you adjust your ambitions downward, you don’t need as much success to have high self-esteem. It’s a playful idea, but it also reveals something important about how we relate to ourselves in a society that constantly pushes us to want more, achieve more, and be more. Many psychologists, myself included, tend to be skeptical of the way our culture—especially in capitalist societies—feeds us a sense of inadequacy. We’re encouraged to believe we’re not enough, so we’ll buy more, work harder, and chase more success. If your ambitions are always rising, you’ll always feel like you’re falling short. In that sense, the very engine of our economy depends on us feeling a little bit “not enough.” If you want to be truly radical today, maybe it’s about being content with who you are. That’s the real rebellion—a person with healthy self-esteem, satisfied and at peace with themselves. But is self-esteem really just about what we achieve? In that formula, it seems to be about performance. Nathaniel Branden, who wrote extensively about self-esteem, saw it differently. He argued that feelings are really just value judgments we’ve made at some earlier point in our lives. In his view, there’s not such a big difference between thinking and feeling—our emotions are automated responses to situations we’ve already evaluated. For example, if you met a scary dog as a child, you might automatically feel fear around dogs for the rest of your life, even if you never consciously re-evaluate each new dog you meet. That’s how we can end up with phobias—or, in the case of self-esteem, with deeply ingrained beliefs about our own worth. If you grew up with a lot of criticism, neglect, or bullying, your sense of value as a person might have become “automated” in a way that’s not helpful. That’s one way to define self-esteem: how we fundamentally experience our value as a human being. This is different from self-confidence, which is more about what you can or can’t do. Self-esteem is about your essential worth. If you’ve been overlooked or criticized a lot, you may have internalized the belief that you’re not good enough. And that’s a tough place to start from. We often hear that we should “love ourselves” or “work on our self-esteem,” but that’s easier said than done in a system that seems designed to undermine it. There are many incentives in our culture that depend on us not having great self-esteem. But here’s the thing: people with healthy self-esteem aren’t the ones who go around boasting or needing to prove themselves. In fact, they’re often the best among us—the people who don’t need to impress others, and therefore have more capacity to listen and be genuinely interested in others. Think of it this way: an ego in deficit is always trying to compensate, always striving to get what it feels it lacks in order to feel whole. When you don’t feel good enough around others, you try to assert yourself, to be the funniest or the most interesting. That struggle for attention and validation makes you self-centered in those situations. But people with healthy self-esteem ...
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    24 mins
  • Relational Strategies

    Relational Strategies
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about attachment theory and the crucial role our relationships play in both our psychological and physical health. Today, we’re diving deep into the ways our connections with others shape us, regulate our emotions, and even buffer us from life’s challenges. If you’ve ever wondered why some relationships feel like a safe harbor while others leave you anxious or distant, or if you’ve noticed patterns in your own ways of relating that you can’t quite explain, this episode is for you. We’ll explore the science behind attachment, the different styles we develop, and how these patterns influence our lives from childhood through adulthood. Whether you’re a parent, a partner, or simply curious about what makes us tick as social beings, I hope you’ll find some clarity—and maybe even a bit of comfort—in understanding how attachment works. So, let’s get started. Humans are, at our core, social creatures. Few things impact our mental and physical wellbeing as much as the quality of our relationships. Secure relationships act as a psychological buffer, helping us manage stress, regulate our emotions, and create a sense of belonging and meaning. Our nervous system is wired for social interaction, and research shows that lacking secure relationships can lead to serious psychological and even physical health issues. Trust and cooperation have always been essential for our survival. From an evolutionary psychology perspective, our species’ niche isn’t strength or speed—it’s our ability to form strong bonds and cooperate within complex social structures. When we feel safe in our relationships, our minds are freed up for creativity, exploration, and learning. Without that sense of security, our bodies activate stress responses, leaving us in a constant state of alertness that can undermine both our physical health and cognitive functioning. But how do we actually establish this sense of safety? And what happens when we don’t have it? That’s the heart of today’s episode. I want to start by saying that many of us don’t really know what our own attachment style is until we dig into it. I used to think I had a secure attachment style, only to discover I lean more toward the avoidant side. Every time I read about attachment theory, I realize just how foundational it is—arguably one of the most influential psychological theories since Freud, but with far more evidence behind it. Since John Bowlby began identifying different attachment patterns in the 1970s, the field has only grown. Attachment is so crucial for our mental health that it can’t be overstated. I’ll admit, I never felt particularly adept at understanding attachment theory, but after making a more dedicated effort, I found it both eye-opening and, honestly, a bit heartbreaking. Looking at ourselves through the lens of attachment can be painful—whether we’re parents or reflecting on our own childhoods. Most of us have been in one or both of those roles. I’ve seen firsthand how discussing attachment theory can bring a room to silence, even to tears. It’s powerful stuff. But it’s not always so heavy. Sometimes, learning about attachment just helps clarify things—it shines a light on why we relate the way we do, and that can be incredibly valuable. For this episode, I’ve drawn on the book “Attached” from 2010, but these are well-established ideas. The key is to get a clear picture of what the different attachment styles are, and why attachment matters so much. In essence, attachment is a bond that two people share over time—a bond that creates a special need to stay connected. Having a close, personal relationship gives us emotional security. If we have a strong, secure relationship with someone, we’re better able to handle difficult situations, regulate ourselves, and stay calm. Attachment is, at its core, a regulatory system. There’s plenty of evidence for this. For example, studies show that if you put someone in a stressful situation and they have a secure attachment to a sibling, partner, or close friend—and they’re able to hold that person’s hand—their stress response, measured in the hypothalamus, is significantly reduced. On the flip side, lacking that kind of attachment leads to increased stress and difficulty calming down. So, secure attachment isn’t just emotionally important—it’s physically important, too. Other studies have compared how people with secure versus insecure relationships handle stress. Those with secure relationships—even if their loved ones aren’t physically present—can often regulate themselves by recalling that sense of safety. Those without that foundation struggle more, becoming easily overwhelmed by emotions and finding it harder to calm down, especially if their attachment style is disorganized. It’s easy to dismiss the importance of relationships as just “nice to have,” but it’s so much more than that. For many ...
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    28 mins
  • The Meaningful Demands Willpower

    The Meaningful Demands Willpower
    Jan 11 2026
    Welcome to a new episode about willpower and meaning. Today, we’re diving into the fascinating and complex world of self-control—what it really is, how it shapes our lives, and how it connects to the deeper sense of meaning we all crave. We’ll look at why it’s so hard to do what’s truly important instead of what’s easy or tempting in the moment, and how our modern environment—especially our phones—might be draining our willpower without us even realizing it. So, whether you’re struggling to resist that extra piece of chocolate, procrastinating on a big project, or just wondering why it’s so hard to stick to your long-term goals, you’re in the right place. Let’s explore the psychology of willpower, and how we can use it to build more meaningful lives. Willpower is one of those qualities that seems both mysterious and essential. It’s the ability to do what matters, even when it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient. It’s what helps us resist immediate pleasures in favor of something better down the line. But why is it so difficult? And can we actually train our willpower, or is it just something we’re born with? One of the most famous experiments on willpower is the marshmallow test. Maybe you’ve heard of it: children are given a marshmallow and told they can eat it now, or wait a while and get a second one. Some kids manage to wait, distracting themselves in creative ways, while others give in to temptation. The study found that kids who could delay gratification tended to do better in life—they were healthier, happier, more successful, and even lived longer. But the marshmallow test isn’t perfect. For kids growing up in uncertain or resource-scarce environments, it might actually make more sense to take what’s available now, rather than trust that more will come later. So, context matters. Still, the ability to delay gratification—to resist the pull of immediate rewards—shows up again and again as a predictor of well-being. People with strong willpower tend to have better physical health, more satisfying relationships, and greater financial stability. But here’s the catch: willpower isn’t limitless. It’s more like a muscle. The more you use it, the more tired it gets. There’s a classic study by Roy Baumeister that really drives this home. Participants were divided into three groups and asked to fast for a day. One group was put in a room with freshly baked cookies and radishes, but told they could only eat the radishes. Another group was allowed to eat whatever they wanted, and a third group was put in a room with no food at all. Afterwards, everyone was given an impossible puzzle to solve, and the researchers measured how long they persisted before giving up. The group that had to resist the cookies gave up much sooner than the others. The takeaway? Resisting temptation drains your willpower, leaving you with less energy for the next challenge. Now, think about our daily lives. If resisting cookies for a few minutes is exhausting, what about resisting the constant lure of our smartphones? Every ping, every notification, every scroll is designed to grab our attention and satisfy our immediate desires. If we’re always fighting these urges, it’s no wonder we feel depleted when it comes time to tackle something meaningful or difficult. So, what exactly is willpower? Some psychologists break it down into three parts: “I won’t,” “I will,” and “I want.” The “I won’t” part is about resisting temptations—saying no to things like junk food, alcohol, or distractions. To figure out your biggest “I won’t” challenge, ask yourself: What habit is hurting my health, happiness, or career that I most want to give up? But willpower isn’t just about resisting. It’s also about doing what you don’t feel like doing right now for the sake of a better future. That’s the “I will” part—pushing yourself to go for a run, finish a project, or eat something healthy. To identify your “I will” challenge, ask: What important task do I keep putting off that would improve my life if I just did it? Finally, there’s the “I want” part—your long-term goals and desires. This is about remembering why you’re making sacrifices in the first place. When you’re gasping for air during a tough workout, it’s the vision of a healthier, happier you that keeps you going. This is where meaning comes in. As Viktor Frankl said, humans are driven to find meaning, but meaning often requires us to endure discomfort in the present. Here’s the tricky part: our environment is constantly working against our willpower. Our brains are wired for quick rewards—think sugar, social approval, or novelty—because in the past, these things were rare and valuable. Now, they’re everywhere. The same dopamine-driven circuits that helped our ancestors remember where to find berries now make us crave sweets and check our phones compulsively. Since the rise of ...
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    16 mins