If you're the one holding the calendar, the grocery list, and every in-law's birthday in your head, you might have wondered, "How do I even figure out if a couples therapist can actually work with this?"

On this episode we're answering YOUR questions.

We talk about how to find a couples therapist who has done the work around misogyny and emotional labor, why a quick consult call is the perfect place to ask about it directly, and how one small phrase like "does your husband help around the house?" can tell you a lot about a therapist's assumptions.

Then we get into a question that's a lot more loaded than it sounds... why we became therapists! From a midlife career shift that started in the client seat to a twelve-year-old reading books about child abuse and needing to understand why people hurt each other.

We also talk about the winding paths through grad school, forensic work, and child advocacy that landed us both in private practice doing trauma work, and the moments in session we love most.

New episodes drop every Wednesday.

Submit a Question for the Pod here: https://beacons.ai/shadyuntamedpodcast

We're both licensed therapists, but this podcast is not therapy and we are not your therapists. It's education with a little humor mixed in, not clinical advice.

If you're in crisis, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741. If you're in an abusive relationship, you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!) https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/summer License code: MGPLFEEUIXGKQRU2

A trauma bond doesn't always look like a problem from the inside because it feels like chemistry, loyalty, and hope that things will go back to how they were.

On this episode we're pulling that apart.

We talk about the difference between bonding over trauma and what trauma bonding actually is, why a lot of what the internet calls a trauma bond is really codependency, and why there are two kinds of trauma bonds, one you can think your way out of with the proper support and one rooted in childhood that usually needs deeper reprocessing.

Then we get into the slot machine effect and how variable ratio reinforcement keeps you hooked, the breadcrumbs and "it'll be better once we get there" promises that keep you waiting, and why your brain would rather blame you than admit you were powerless.

We also get real about why toxic can feel like chemistry while healthy can feel boring AF at first, how boundaries built on your worth hold long after the anger fades, and why leaving the relationship is often the most dangerous time.

New episodes drop every Wednesday.

Submit a Question for the Pod here: https://beacons.ai/shadyuntamedpodcast

It's Not You Book Resource link: https://a.co/d/0dj50PzP

We're both licensed therapists, but this podcast is not therapy and we are not your therapists. It's education with a little humor mixed in, not clinical advice.

If you're in crisis, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741. If you're in an abusive relationship, you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!) https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/summer License code: MGPLFEEUIXGKQRU2

If the person who wants you feels boring and the one who keeps you guessing feels like home, your attachment style is probably running the show, and it's been running it since before you had words for anything.

On this episode we pick up where trauma bonding left off and break down the four attachment styles, secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, where they come from, and how they follow you into adult relationships.

We get into Harlow's wire mother and cloth mother study, why comfort is a primary need and not a bonus, and why a caregiver can be completely attentive and still misattuned enough to leave your nervous system convinced the world isn't safe.

Then we get real about why anxious and avoidant keep finding each other, why a secure partner can feel avoidant to someone who's anxious, and why disorganized attachment is the most confusing one to live in, because how you show up depends on who you're with. If relationships leave you feeling confused more than anything else, that might be your clue.

We also talk about how attachment styles are learned, which means they can be unlearned and relearned, and why so much of that shift happens inside healthy relationships, including the one with your therapist.

Plus a few book recs we mentioned in the pod:

The Neurobiology of We Audiobook: https://a.co/d/08yBcPzw

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker: https://a.co/d/04MWeJmB

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: https://a.co/d/04wYBclT

Want the attachment quiz we use in our own practices? Take it free at attachmentproject.com

New episodes drop every Wednesday.

Submit a Question for the Pod here: https://beacons.ai/shadyuntamedpodcast

We're both licensed therapists, but this podcast is not therapy and we are not your therapists. It's education with a little humor mixed in, not clinical advice.

If you're in crisis, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741. If you're in an abusive relationship, you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!) https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/summer License code: MGPLFEEUIXGKQRU2