What do you do when you ask for an accommodation and the answer is no? And what if you never asked, because you read the room and decided it wasn’t safe?

In this conversation, Nikki and Pete take on both sides of that story, starting with a client who was denied exam accommodations twice, psychological evaluation and all, and how she found a way to keep moving toward her goal. From there: what the ADA does and doesn’t require, why requests get turned down, the survey numbers behind why most people never ask, and the way a denied request can start to feel like a verdict on who you are.

Then the part you can use tomorrow. Accommodations you can give yourself without anyone’s sign-off. Two tools Pete leans on for meetings and reading. A five-minute breathing technique with Stanford research behind it. And a listener’s addition to the garden metaphor, for anyone who’s just been told they have to grow radishes.

Nikki’s new download, My Accommodation Map, is available right here!

Links & Resources

• Job Accommodation Network (Ask JAN)
• CHADD: Asking for Workplace Accommodations
• Understood.org Neurodiversity at Work survey (2024, The Harris Poll)
• Stanford Medicine: Cyclic sighing can help breathe away anxiety
• Wispr Flow
• Speechify
• Todoist
• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (00:51) - Become a Member at Patreon.com/TheADHDPodcast
• (02:15) - Accommodations
• (27:24) - The Reframe

Ever leave a conversation and realize, somewhere on the way to the car, exactly what you should have said? There’s a French term for that feeling, and ADHD brains know it intimately.

This week, we explore why saying the hard thing in real time is so difficult with ADHD, from the blurt-or-freeze problem to the research on variable reaction time and emotional dysregulation that makes it make sense. We get into how pace gets used against slower processors in an argument, and how to claim the room you need without walking out.

Then the practical side: naming your state, five “slow sentences” to keep in your back pocket, the Gottman rule for taking a real break, and a trimmed-down version of DBT’s DEAR MAN that you can actually remember when it counts.

Links & Notes

• Support the Show on Patreon
• Dig into the podcast Shownotes Database
• Kofler et al. 2013, reaction time variability meta-analysis
• Anker, Ogrim & Heir 2022 summary
• Shaw et al. 2014, emotion dysregulation in ADHD
• Ben-Dor Cohen et al. 2023, J. Attention Disorders
• Gottman: flooding and breaks
• Gottman: repair attempts
• Lieberman et al. 2007, affect labeling and ScienceDaily write-up
• DEAR MAN overview
• Wordorigins: l’esprit de l’escalier

• (00:00) - Welcome to Taking Control: The ADHD Podcast
• (02:08) - Saying the Hard Thing
• (21:51) - Asserting Your Slow-Downs
• (30:43) - DEAR MAN...

I once printed my computer’s contacts onto paper sized to fit my Franklin Quest binder. I loved that binder enough to make a computer work for it. Keeping the system current was practically a hobby, which was convenient because it required quite a lot of my participation.

Decades later, I still enjoy arranging software. I have less enthusiasm for remembering to check every place I’ve put something important. The personal AI agents I’ve been using can carry an assignment between conversations, with ongoing checks where I’ve set them up. That has started to change my working day. I can teach them what matters, correct a misunderstanding, and find that the next round of help reflects what I’ve explained. So far, the useful work has substantially outweighed the mistakes. I’m getting things finished that I’d been putting off.

This public edition is a taste of Placeholder, our member-supported show about the tools we use while we wait for something better. Join us on Patreon for the full episode and to help keep The ADHD Podcast going. I’d be glad to have you there.

• (00:00) - Welcome to Placeholder
• (00:20) - The Fancy Binder
• (03:14) - The Things We're Handing Over
• (04:56) - Introducing Muse
• (09:19) - Become a Supporter at Patreon.com/theadhdpodcast