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What if pain isn’t a warning to stop? What if it’s a doorway? A way of stripping away everything we don’t need, the doubt, the shame, the critic? Until all that’s left is the truth: I can keep going. Even when I think I can’t.

Stagecoach 100 was a point-to-point ultra that stripped away everything except the truth I didn’t know I was looking for. It left me with questions I can’t shake:

What happens when the pain gets louder than the critic? What’s left of us when ego is gone?

I’m still trying to understand what I found out there.

Come with me into the dark and the dust to see what remains when everything else falls away.

visit my instagram page to see photos from the race: https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

Music/sound effects in this episode:

construction metal lumber.wav by cognito perceptu -- https://freesound.org/s/32734/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

outdoor_party.wav by isohoo -- https://freesound.org/s/503156/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Heater.mp3 by bmusic92 -- https://freesound.org/s/232919/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Wind blowing and howling in an antenna and its wire on the top of the chilean cliff. by felix.blume -- https://freesound.org/s/147599/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

4000 Hz beeps by AlaskaRobotics -- https://freesound.org/s/221085/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Crowd Cheer.wav by deleted_user_2104797 -- https://freesound.org/s/324892/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Interesting, pensive guitar by AlmightyPsyche -- https://freesound.org/s/751605/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

cowbell3 by Azvinz -- https://freesound.org/s/506134/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

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The messy middle isn’t just pain on the trail. It’s the storm we all try to shortcut. In this episode I dig into the temptation of hacks, pills, and perfection. From chasing sobriety with medication, to chasing races with training plans and calorie cuts, I kept looking for the magic pill that would silence the beast.

But shortcuts don’t conquer it. They just make it hungrier.

This isn’t a polished success story. It’s relapse, shame, perfectionism, weight obsession, and the ugly parts no one shares out loud. If you’ve ever asked “why isn’t this working?” or wondered if you’re the only one drowning in the middle — this one’s for you.

Addiction, mental health, and crisis support

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)
  1-800-662-HELP (4357)
  Free, confidential treatment referral and information service available 24/7 in English and Spanish.
  
  
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
  Find a meeting near you: https://www.aa.org/
  
  
• SMART Recovery
  Provides support groups and resources for those overcoming addiction: https://www.smartrecovery.org/

Mental Health and Depression Support

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (now 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
  Dial 988 for 24/7, free, and confidential support for individuals in distress.
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
  Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
  Website: https://www.nami.org/

Eating Disorder Support

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
  Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
  Online chat support: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
• Overeaters Anonymous
  Find support for food-related behaviors and patterns: https://oa.org/

General Crisis Support

• Crisis Text Line
  Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor in the U.S.
• Veterans Crisis Line
  Dial 988 and press 1, or text 838255 for specialized support for veterans.

Music used in this episode

Sadness cosmo.mp3 by Bruno_ph -- https://freesound.org/s/109409/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

heart beat increasing 116642.wav by klankbeeld -- https://freesound.org/s/181805/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Type 2 Sad Violin Piano Music High by rahulsawla_ -- https://freesound.org/s/759032/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Emotional Dramatic Piano for Sad Moments by LolaMoore -- https://freesound.org/s/759785/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
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What we listen to while we run says something. Music can be a painkiller, a punch in the gut, and a time machine all at once. Sometimes it’s noise, and worst of all, a crutch.
This episode is made up of songs, stories, and one quiet truth:
Music is powerful. How we choose to use it can make all the difference.

Here's my Spotify playlist, 'Hold Fast and Run like You own it.'

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0vixdeIiXK7dcfv7FLkBEy?si=88e730acd51d430c

The list is arranged where the first 20 songs are hard hitting songs that get me through the dark times, and the pain. They include the songs referenced in this episode.

Music used in this episode

Metal Band Jam 5 Thrash .wav by RutgerMuller -- https://freesound.org/s/50741/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Metal Band Jam 6 Midtempo Hardcore.wav by RutgerMuller -- https://freesound.org/s/50742/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

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This one’s personal. It’s about the part of the story most people skip—the messy middle. The part between the breakdown and the breakthrough, when everything hurts, your mind’s screaming, and you’re still somehow moving forward, even though the wheels are falling off. This episode started with a facebook comment and unraveled into something bigger. I talk about pain, silence, performative vulnerability, and what happens when people respond to your struggle but don’t really know how to sit with it. No advice, no clean wrap-up. Just real talk from inside the storm. if you’ve ever felt like you’re the only one barely holding it together—this is for you.

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
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Every ultramarathon has a map. But there’s another one we never talk about, the emotional topography.

In this episode, share the noise and the quiet moments of my experience at the Canyons 100K: a race along the Western States trail that became less about climbing mountains and more about surviving the terrain inside my own head. What started as a hopeful return to long-distance running turned into a raw, unfiltered confrontation with the voices in my head.

This isn’t a story about triumph. It’s about tension—between ego and doubt, pain and pride, quitting and continuing.

No music. No sound effects. Just me. And the voices I run with.

This episode contains strong language and references to mental health struggles, including suicidal thoughts. Please take care while listening. And remember—you’re not alone.

Addiction, mental health, and crisis support

• SAMHSA’s National Helpline (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration)
  1-800-662-HELP (4357)
  Free, confidential treatment referral and information service available 24/7 in English and Spanish.
  
  
• Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
  Find a meeting near you: https://www.aa.org/
  
  
• SMART Recovery
  Provides support groups and resources for those overcoming addiction: https://www.smartrecovery.org/

Mental Health and Depression Support

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (now 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline)
  Dial 988 for 24/7, free, and confidential support for individuals in distress.
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
  Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
  Website: https://www.nami.org/

Eating Disorder Support

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
  Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
  Online chat support: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
• Overeaters Anonymous
  Find support for food-related behaviors and patterns: https://oa.org/

General Crisis Support

• Crisis Text Line
  Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor in the U.S.
• Veterans Crisis Line
  Dial 988 and press 1, or text 838255 for specialized support for veterans.

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and
https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en

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In this follow-up discussion, we go beyond the story and unpack the deeper lessons. Is quitting really failure, or is it sometimes the strongest choice? What are the warning signs we ignore—on the trail and in life? And what “race” are you still running, not because you love it, but because you don’t know how to stop? Join us as we explore endurance, self-identity, and the moments that force us to rethink everything.

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We’re taught that endurance is everything—push harder, suffer through, never quit. But what if endurance isn’t always the answer? What if knowing when to stop is the real strength?

In this episode, I reflect on a race I never expected to DNF, the ghost of my past self on the trail, and the fine line between resilience and self-destruction. Whether on the course, in careers, or in relationships, when does perseverance serve us—and when does it trap us?

What race are you still running, not because you love it, but because you don’t know how to stop?

Progression of my Bandera 100k Finishing times

• 2020: 18:59. My first 100k. I wanted a Western States lottery ticket.
• 2021: 15:40. Redemption for the 2020 19:00hr finish.
• 2022: 15:30. Proof—because I had improved, and I needed to prove I could do it again, faster.
• 2023: 15:22. Strength—because I was finally strong enough to push even harder.
• 2024: 16:44. Doing it, because.
• 2025: DNF. stuck—afraid to stop

Music in this episode

Mysterious Music Box Atmosphere by Universfield -- https://freesound.org/s/773658/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Emotional Dramatic Theme by tyops -- https://freesound.org/s/436060/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Monday Lookin Back Again by audiomirage -- https://freesound.org/s/577518/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

epic intro 0U_32m by Setuniman -- https://freesound.org/s/165765/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

viramiller__soft-piano-and-acoustic-guitar (freesound.org)

erh__swell-pad (freesound.org)

Ghost Music Box BGM (Rev. 1) by ChristmasKrumble666 -- https://freesound.org/s/753583/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

DSGNDron_Eerie Exasperating Horrible Drone 15_EM by newlocknew -- https://freesound.org/s/733217/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

logicmoon__only-the-winds-guitar (freesound.org)

Melancholic Atmosphere with Piano and Strings by Nancy_Sinclair -- https://freesound.org/s/750738/ -- License: Creative Commons 0Heartbeats 61.wav by patobottos -- https://freesound.org/s/369017/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Dramatic Acoustic Guitar Music for Cinematic Scenes by LolaMoore -- https://freesound.org/s/755888/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

tomhannen__howling-wind-through-window-in-tower (freesound.org)

almightypsyche__melancholy-melody-11-9-21.1 (freesound.org)

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Six months after quitting a virtual 50-miler, I set out to run a 50K training run—no race, no medal, no finish line celebration. Just me, the trail, and the question: Can I show up and push myself when no one’s watching? What started as a test of physical endurance became something more—a shift in how I viewed running, purpose, and accountability. This is the story of how a failed race, a not-so-quiet 31 mile run redefined what truly matters.

piano_05.wav by nerzalt_33 -- https://freesound.org/s/468872/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Short Classical Guitar Improvisation by alomsound -- https://freesound.org/s/688462/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Reverse acoustic guitar 0.flac by lewk -- https://freesound.org/s/114702/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

Acoustic guitar in B minor - A major by ValentinSosnitskiy -- https://freesound.org/s/218210/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

aimless 1C87 by Setuniman -- https://freesound.org/s/200431/ -- License: Attribution NonCommercial 4.0

acoustic picking guitar 100bpm key of C.mp3 by ajubamusic -- https://freesound.org/s/320800/ -- License: Attribution 3.0

Acoustic guitar harmonics by itinerantmonk108 -- https://freesound.org/s/763182/ -- License: Creative Commons 0

Acoustic Guitar G-D-C by alomsound -- https://freesound.org/s/765330/ -- License: Attribution 4.0

Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/exploits_of_a_nobody/
and
https://www.instgram.com/shutter_se7en