Forgiveness isn’t intended to be a heavy burden for those who have been deeply wronged.  Jesus’ invitation was, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you REST.” (Matthew 11:28-30)  The invitation of the Lord Jesus Christ is to come to Him and find REST for our souls!

Here's the definition of forgiveness: it’s a commitment by the offended to pardon graciously the repentant from moral liability, and to be reconciled — though it doesn’t mean that all consequences are necessarily eliminated.

What’s the hardest part of forgiveness? — To STOP THINKING about the offense; to keep going over and over it in one’s mind.  It’s a huge problem to be thinking about it, because then we’re DEFINED by the wrong committed against us.  Bitterness is like taking poison to get back at someone else.

By the way, this is where we need the Psalms; this is where we need the Psalter.  See Psalm 73 where Asaph is seeing how the wicked prosper, and he seems to have done the right thing for nothing.  If we move through this Psalm, it will change our world.

Steps to be free from bitterness and resentment after divorce, even if your husband has never repented:

1. Wait for God’s justice, and trust His providence.  Think of Joseph in Genesis: “You intended this for evil, but God intended it for good.”  This is why it’s SO CRITICAL to be in a local church with a high view of Scripture.
2. Listen to wise people — you need community!  And you need the community of the Redeemed. 
3. Pursue God’s blessing for yourself and those close to you.  Psalm 73:15 is the turning point of the chapter — “If I had said, ‘I will speak thus,’ I would have betrayed the generation of Your children.”  Also Hebrews 12:15 … “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.”  Bitterness can poison those around us, as well as ourselves!
4. Call bitterness what it is — it’s sin.  It’s not justified.  We don’t have a right to be defined by anger and hatred.  One of the most difficult times to repent of our own transgressions is when we’ve been deeply wronged… it’s a dangerous place to be.  Be careful, when you’re sinned against, that you don’t fail to deal with the things you need to deal with in your own world.

Also important: be in a good church, hear the Word preached, meditate on JESUS — you will NOT be disappointed. 

Please check out Pastor Brauns' book, Unpacking Forgiveness from Crossway: https://www.crossway.org/books/unpacking-forgiveness-tpb/

Visit his website here: https://chrisbrauns.com/

Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook

Send us a note at christdependentsinglemoms@gmail.com

Forgiveness isn’t intended to be a heavy burden for those who have been deeply wronged.  Jesus’ invitation was, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you REST.” (Matthew 11:28-30)  The invitation of the Lord Jesus Christ is to come to Him and find REST for our souls!

Our culture has fundamentally misunderstood forgiveness — we tend to regard it in a therapeutic way, seeing it as a private coping strategy for resentment and anger.  “Forgiveness is something you do for your own benefit,” some say  — but that’s not biblical forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not an emotional strategy; it’s a commitment by the offended to pardon graciously the repentant from moral liability, and to be reconciled — though it doesn’t mean that all consequences are necessarily eliminated.

What  do we do when the offense is grave, as in marriages that end in separation or divorce, and the offender does not display true repentance?  Pastor Brauns offers these principles:

1. Proactively show love — in abusive situations, how this will work out needs the wisdom of the local church.  Don’t do this alone!  There is such a great need for the community of the redeemed; we need that protection.  We do NOT put ourselves in a position to be abused further.  This showing of love will be situation-specific.
2. Take no revenge — "Never take your own revenge, beloved" (Romans 12:19), but
3. "Leave room for the wrath of God"— “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,” says the Lord.  We can trust God to see that justice is done.

Also, look at Psalm 37 and Psalm 73 when battling bitterness.  We're going to come back next week to revisit this topic!

Please check out Pastor Brauns' book, Unpacking Forgiveness from Crossway: https://www.crossway.org/books/unpacking-forgiveness-tpb/

Visit his website here: https://chrisbrauns.com/

Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook

Send us a note at christdependentsinglemoms@gmail.com

I’m going to be completely honest, I almost didn’t want to talk about what I’m going to talk about today.

A big reason is because this has been such a hard lesson for me to learn.  It has taken so much for me to let go of this issue and leave it in God's hands.

I have wanted, for many years, to retain control of work and money and material provision when it came to taking care of my family following separation and divorce as a Christian single mom. 

But what I have found is that when I have tried, by applying my human wisdom, to almost prayerlessly control my work (whether it was work from home or work outside the home) and my financial circumstances, refusing to completely release these matters to the Lord, things have gone so poorly.  

BUT, when God brought me to the place where I recognized that he knew better than I did exactly what I needed, and that I could absolutely, unreservedly obey God's instruction to "trust in the Lord with all your heart," (Proverbs 3:5-6) to provide for all my needs according to his riches in glory as Philippians 4:19 says, and when I began to affirm my trust in his provision day by day, literally just praying, “I trust in you Lord. I am looking to you to provide the income I need. Please show me the way. I rest in you.” … I have seen a huge weight lifted off and I have seen the faithfulness of Jehovah Jireh in a way that I have never seen before!  Will God provide?  A thousand times, yes!

So let’s talk about this matter — can we trust our heavenly Father to provide for us financially? (HINT: YES) Praying you are edified by these devotional thoughts!

Scriptures quotes in this episode:

• 2 Corinthians 9:8
• Matthew 6:31-32
• Matthew 6:33
• Psalm 34:10
• Philippians 4:6
• James 1:5
• Colossians 3:23-24
• Psalm 139:16

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Six Biblical Truths About Loneliness That Help You Apply Proverbs 3:5-6, And Trust In The Lord With All Your Heart In Separation, Divorce, Or Widowhood: A Devotional For Christian Single Moms

Hey! As I prayed about what to discuss this week, it was strongly on my heart to talk about learning to trust God with our futures, especially a future that may be filled with loneliness due to being single.

I know you’re going to be blessed by being reminded of what God says in his word regarding loneliness, and there are a few related books I’d really like to share with you that have had a big impact on me. 

In fact, we’re doing a giveaway this month of these three books as a bundle in a drawing for people who share a written review of our podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or any one of the podcasting platforms, then screenshot their written review, and post it in our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook Group.

The first book in the bundle is Elisabeth Elliot’s Suffering is Never for Nothing, the second is Mark Vroegop’s book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy, which explores biblical lament, and the third is Unpacking Forgiveness by Pastor Chris Brauns.  I highly recommend reading all three of these books if you want to be encouraged in your experience of suffering!

My friends, being on your own as a single mother is painful and dark at times. But remember that you’re not alone in your loneliness, God hasn’t abandoned you, God knows the longings of your heart, God is always with you, God has a plan for your loneliness, and he will give you the strength to endure, exactly one day at a time.

Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook

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Hi there! I can’t believe it’s September already. This year is definitely flying by. In honor of this new fall season, where most of us are watching the weather and the landscape start change, and people are getting back to school or homeschooling, we are offering a fall giveaway!  The book bundle that we’re offering is Elisabeth Elliot’s book, Suffering is Never for Nothing, Chris Brauns’ Unpacking Forgiveness— by the way, Pastor Brauns is going to be joining us on the podcast in a few weeks, very excited about that— and the third book is Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop, which we discussed on episodes 9 and 10, when we were talking about biblical lament with Ryan Higginbottom.  I know that all three of these books are going to be as much of a blessing to you as they have been to me, so if you’d like to be entered in in the drawing, go ahead and leave us a written review over on Apple podcasts or the podcasting platform of your choice. Take a screenshot of that written review and post it in our Facebook group Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood!

Apple podcast reviewers will get 2 entries, and all the other podcast platform reviews will get one entry. You can leave a written review for us on as many podcast platforms as you like! And if you’ve already done one, you can write a review on others - that’s totally fine!  Now, this is just for the month of September, so write those reviews now if you want a chance to get these excellent books for free!

Last week we had Kelli Russell with us, talking about what the Bible says about narcissists and narcissism, and today she’s joining us again to answer this question, “How do I spot a narcissist as I prepare for dating after divorce or widowhood?” 

This was such a great conversation. Two of the biggest takeaways I walked away with were to bathe the whole situation thoroughly in prayer, and to refuse to walk in fear, trusting that the Lord will lead and guide as we seek Him and use His wisdom in dating.

This is definitely an episode to share with people you know might benefit, so go ahead and be sure to send them a link!

For women who have had experience with narcissistic marriages or relationships in the past, remember - the heart-work (or healing!) needs to be done in *you* before you’re ready to date, and another essential element is building a safe community around you.  God’s people in our local congregations are indispensable here.

Never date someone in isolation.  Bring in godly, wise people to weigh in with their opinions.  Also, look at the man’s FRUIT (Luke 6:43-46), his FAMILY relationships, his FRIEND groups, and his CHURCH community.

Kelli mentions Warren Lamb’s book, Behind the Veil, as a great resource: https://amzn.to/3ATrbUA

For counseling information from Grace Matters, Kelli Russell's biblical counseling ministry, visit https://www.gracemattersministries.org/

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What does the Bible say about these people we call “narcissists,” what do they look like, and how can abuse-informed biblical counseling help in a marriage with a narcissistic spouse?

Listen to this episode and learn:

-One of the main things you DON’T see in a narcissistic individual

-One of the biggest signs a woman is in a narcissistic relationship

-Why marriage counseling doesn’t work when you’re married to someone with narcissistic tendencies

More takeaways:

We want to be cautious about using the term “narcissism” in the same way secular psychology does for a couple of reasons: first, we’re dealing with people created in the image of God, and second, there is always a possibility of change in Christ.  We’re not to walk in fear or hopelessness with these people, even if we end up needing to separate from them.

Narcissism is what the Bible calls selfishness and pride, and it occurs on a scale.  One thing that distinguishes narcissists from your average sinner who struggles with anger, selfishness, and arrogance is an unwillingness to receive counsel— they evade counsel time and time again.

A person can be narcissistic without being perniciously oppressive.  Oppression is a problem with power and control; narcissists don’t always evidence a problem with power and control, but they always demonstrate an exceptionally high desire for self-protection.  They want to be seen as “having it all together,” and will do anything to protect the image of who they are.

So, the two things that define narcissism are not so much the degree of pride and selfishness, but the self-protection and unwillingness to receive counsel.

Goals for individual (NOT marital) counseling: strengthen the base of the survivor, and hold the spouse with narcissistic tendencies accountable, that they may begin to see their heart the way God sees their heart.

For counseling information from Grace Matters, Kelli Russell's biblical counseling ministry, visit https://www.gracemattersministries.org/

Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook

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Hey friends! The more women I talk to, the more I see who find themselves between a rock and a hard place when it comes to their marriage.

An imbalance of power and control within a marriage can create constant fear, a sense of walking on eggshells, never knowing what’s going to happen next, and coming to believe that there is something inherently wrong with yourself — because clearly, if your husband is always unhappy with you, frequently angry at what you do, that would be the correct conclusion …. right? 

It can be hard to know what’s worse… the perpetual put-downs, the crazy-making, and the betrayal, or the physical violence that often occurs.

If you’re in a situation like this, or if you ever have been, know this: if you’re in Christ, God is for you, not against you.  He will never leave you nor forsake you, and his grace is sufficient for you. We have a promise in James 1:5 that He gives wisdom freely to all who ask, without reproach, and we know that much wisdom is needed within oppressive marriages.

One of the wonderful ways that God provides that wisdom is through other believers, and today we have Joy Forrest back with us, talking about the Called to Peace ministry once again, and how they help women who find themselves within a destructive marriage, whether we call those marriages oppressive or narcissistic or abusive, and how Called to Peace walks with them through the with them through the process as they make choices about what to do.

*******

The decision to leave, or stay in, a marriage where there’s an imbalance of power and control — an abusive marriage — is a weighty decision, but it ultimately needs to be made in a prayerful, Scripture-saturated, and counsel-seeking way *by the woman*; she ought not be TOLD to separate or divorce.

In this week’s episode, Joy shares about her journey out of abuse and PTSD into healing —  by the power of the Holy Spirit, through the Word of God.

She also talks about how Called to Peace offers highly-trained domestic violence advocates to women within, or coming out of, abusive or narcissistic marriages — to stabilize the woman’s situation, and have the best possible outcome.

She touches on how the way we talk about the abuse dynamic in court can make a big difference in the outcome of a separation, divorce, or custody case.  She shares how women should describe to the judge the top-five worst issues within the relationship, use the power and control wheel, and avoid the use of the word “abuse” or “narcissism.”  Judges have been trained to believe that claiming abuse is a way for a woman to get custody of her children.  By explaining the situation without using those trigger terms, a better outcome is possible.

Called to Peace is undenominational and broadly evangelical, working with churches of a variety denominations, and respects the theological viewpoints of those they seek to help, as long as women and children are being kept safe.

(Joy joined us from her daughter’s hospital room as she prepared to welcome a grandchild!  We’re so thankful she was willing to be interviewed under the circumstances!) 

You can find Called To Peace Ministries at https://www.calledtopeace.org/ 

Joy Forrest’s book, Called To Peace, can be purchased here: https://amzn.to/3CcrZ9o

Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook

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Hey friends!  We’re glad to be back after a brief hiatus. If you’ve ever been, or are currently in an abusive marriage relationship, but you’ve found that the church you’re part of — the church you love! — just doesn’t understand how an imbalance of power can be used to control, coerce, threaten, humiliate, and harm a married woman, you’re not alone.  In fact, in a recent poll in our Facebook community, 85% of respondents indicated they’d experienced domestic abuse within marriage, and most churches aren't equipped to handle it. Our guest today is a biblical counselor who started a ministry to help women in the midst of domestic abuse, and a unique aspect of the ministry is how they reach out to churches, helping those local fellowships to understand the dynamics of what’s going on, and showing them how they can protect the women and children involved, even if no divorce takes place.  I think you’re going to be very encouraged by today’s episode!   Here are a few of the things we cover in today’s episode: 

• Learn what abuse is!

• Understand how using the term “abuse” can initially be a red flag to church leadership— it’s often better to simply describe what’s happening, so the pastors can recognize the cruelty that’s occurring.

• Hear how abuse within marriage can often result in complex PTSD, and the woman’s stress symptoms and emotional response can end up being counterproductive when she’s trying to get help from her church leadership or pastors.

• Learn how the Power and Control Wheel is a visual that can help explain the dynamics of abuse.

• Hear how Called to Peace has pastors who are willing to go in, talk to local church leaders, and help them navigate these abusive situations.  What Called to Peace finds is that, although not every church “gets it,” 70%-80% of churches are willing to listen to what the liaisons have to say!  In fact, many churches are now reaching out to Called to Peace to help them understand and handle abusive marriage relationships.

• The number one thing the ministry tries to teach churches is that domestic abuse is NOT a marriage problem— it’s a sin problem with an individual.  Bringing in a couple for marriage counseling where one spouse is abusive is like expecting marriage counseling to help in a relationship where the husband is a heroin addict.  

• Realize that Called to Peace can teach women to maintain boundaries and be safe, but ultimately a marriage where there’s abuse cannot survive unless the abuser chooses to acknowledge the sin problem and decides to get the help necessary to change.

You can find Called To Peace Ministries at https://www.calledtopeace.org/ 

Joy Forrest’s book, Called To Peace, can be purchased here: https://amzn.to/3CcrZ9o

Join our Christ-Dependent Single Motherhood Facebook community, for Christian single moms like you, whether you're divorced, separated, widowed, or never married! https://bit.ly/CDSMFacebook

Send us a note at christdependentsinglemoms@gmail.com